The Improbability Drive

“Nothing's Impossible. Just highly Improbable.”
-A very wise doorknob

The Improbability Drive, also know as “Horatio Entwhistle” for some arcane and forgotten reason, was created by Joseph Hawton and ~~David Abraham~~ his companion, Robot the Robot, to kick ass, chew bubblegum, and prevent the heat-death of the universe by controlling probability. Due to an alarming lack of bubblegum,¹⁾ it now operates by increasing the chance that the most Improbable events happen, often through death, in one form or another.²⁾³⁾⁴⁾ It doesn't really exist.⁵⁾ Well, at least not in this reality.⁶⁾ It might have the power to control the flow of time, which is really useful. However, it completely refuses to cooperate with bakers of any sort to create time pies. Of course, it doesn't really need to, because you can make time pies simply by enjoying yourself.⁷⁾ The Drive never appears in Improbable Central.

Not to be confused with the Infinite Improbability Drive. We have enough Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy related lawsuits already, thanks.

Appearance

“A six-foot tall metal cylinder, bristling with copper heatsink fins.”
-Caveman Joe

Only three things are known about the Drive's appearance: the above quote, the fact that it used to have a tail, and the fact that we know three things about the Drive's appearance. ⁸⁾

Once upon a time, some rubes decided they'd like to know what Horatio looked like under its make-up. This was a bad idea and they all died.

Years later, some lunatic named Full Metal Lion claimed he had seen the face of the Drive and lived, burning a four-hundred foot mural into the grass to solidify his claims. He disappeared that same day without a trace, but no one has yet provided photogrammic proof to the contrary of his design.⁹⁾¹⁰⁾

A note from The Committee for Notifying People of Things: The accusations against the esteemed Joseph Hawton's work are under close scrutiny by our legal department in light of this latest diagrammatic¹¹⁾ evidence supplied by our French agents: the Improbability Drive. Please note the heat sink fans absent in the alleged forgery.¹²⁾

¹⁾

not to mention sanity

²⁾

mostly to newbies, a species that seems to have a refined taste for death, and has at least one helping everyday.

³⁾

On other occasions, the Drive likes to put on a dress and high heels because that makes it feel pretty, insists that you call it Eleanor, and then kicks your ass at tennis until you cry. This is also known as Rank Seven.

⁴⁾

Bastard Rank involves lumber jacking. It's not pretty.

⁵⁾

Alas, poor Horatio. I knew him well, Yorick.

⁶⁾

However, in another reality, it is the greatest waiter ever.

⁷⁾

That was a pun. No, I'm not going to explain it. Figure it out yourself.

⁸⁾

“Oh, but Mr. Tellworthy,” I hear you cry, “Surely we also know that we know four things about the Drive's appearance!” Well, we don't. So shut up.

⁹⁾

In actuality, it looks nothing like his drawing, but we haven't quite got our giant orbital laser wolf trained on Full Metal Lion yet, to destroy him for suggesting he has a monopoly on the appearance of the Drive. And forgetting the damn heat sinks! AND FOR BURNING MY LAWN TO DRAW HIS DAMN MURAL!

¹⁰⁾

But what powers such an enormous laser wolf? TRADITION!

¹¹⁾

yet, sadly, not photogrammic

¹²⁾

I do not want an Improbably Drive. Improbability is a very dangerous creature, and the Drive is very cumbersome. Where I live, everything is very small. What I need is a sheep. Draw me a sheep.