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Even if people pay attention to the game, there are still those that manage to miss important quests or otherwise hidden gems.⁴⁾ This page aims to list all the quests.⁵⁾

Note that the Quest Guide will contain a few minor spoilers. Proceed with caution if you like the Joy of Discovery.

Also note that quests in the same chain (under the same heading) require the previous quest to be completed.

They are, in quasi-requiremental order:

The most important story on the Island, in three acts. And it'll only cost you two cigs.
Triggers and requirements: Buy a mount from Mike's Chop Shop in NewHome. All three acts will happen over the course of a few days.
Reward: A one way trip to hell. And you thought eating the pope was bad. Also, be prepared to buy another mount.

Mr. Stern is always interested in sharing his stories with those interested in the history of the Island. Ever keen on improving his museum, he'll ask you to bring back a memento from the council offices in every outpost except Improbable Central.
Triggers and requirements: Visit every item in the NH museum to start this quest.
Reward: Ten cigarettes.
This is a requirement for most other story quests.

Havelock has you risking your life once again as he uses you to pass illicit messages back and forth.
Triggers and requirements: You need to have finished the other fetch-quest to do this fetch-quest.
Reward: Blisters from walking. Also, a warm, fleeting, gooey feeling.

This lone Robot wandering about in Cyber City 404 will tell you a chilling tale of man/machine relations.
Reward: A new friend and one cigarette.

A lovely monster-filled stroll across the island, filled with lewd conversations and gestures.
Triggers and requirements: Visit the Glass and Mirror in CC404 as a non-Robot. You also must have completed Mr Stern's Fetch Quest.

Not knowing the island has an advice columnist, Rohit turns to you to write him some.⁶⁾ You, being ignorant, ask others about the subject.
Triggers and requirements: Visit the NH museum at level eleven or above, as a non-Robot, to start this quest.(Or receive distraction from Stern at level 10 calling you to help him)
Reward: Gloat about how awesome your message to Rohit was in this thread.

Jill is, like you are, a rookie. Offering you a cup of coffee and tempting you with her Nudity, she'll play you like a fool and leech on you like a stoner friend that just won't move off your couch.
Triggers and requirements: Reach level 2 and this broad'll come pestering you for Req and advice. Even though you have three shots of helping her reach her goal, you should bring a large sack of grenades⁷⁾ and search for easy fights.
Reward: A handful of cigs and a booty-call.⁸⁾

Jill heads off to explain the joke. Poor soul.
Triggers and requirements: Reach Level 7ish and be in New Home.
Reward: Immaterial.

In this chapter, we gain a small insight in to who the Watcher is, and she flexes her muscles for us.
Triggers and requirements: You get this when you reach level.. 3? No other requirements, no way to avoid/run/miss.
Reward: Some insight into the Watcher⁹⁾.

In the second installment, the Watcher/Plonker-relationship is further strengthened as she nicks a cig.
Triggers and requirements: You need to have 3 DKs. No other requirements, no way to avoid.
Reward: -1 cigarettes. Yay!

The third piece of the story further emphasizes how much of a Plonker you really are as you dare to critique the Mistress of Death and TV's choice of wardrobe.
Triggers and requirements: 5 DKs. You need to be on the FailBoat, talking to the Watcher to ask about how shiny she is.
Reward: A free trip to the mainland.

What Do You Do With a Drunken Watcher?
Triggers and requirements: 14 DKs, Find the Watcher in Improbable Central. Requires the Stranger quest.
Reward: A day of free drinking at the Prancing SpiderKitty, courtesy of Dan, and an instant New Day.

A tale¹⁰⁾ about the best of intentions ¹¹⁾ and Thieving Squat Bastards. It all pans out in the end.
Triggers and requirements: The third of the Watcher plot-points is one of the requirements. This quest starts in Maiko's, and you may need to have taken some cookery lessons.
Reward: An instant New Day.¹²⁾

Note: Like most quests, you can run, but it's not the smartest thing to do.
Triggers and requirements: 10DKs, Maiko's Pan and Watcher Plotpoint 3 is required.
Reward: A new friend that is so polite, so gentle. A painful eye and only a slight amount of radioactivity.

Two old friends of yours make acquaintance in this harrowing tale that stars mannequins.
Triggers and requirements: 12 DKs, Maiko's Pan, and (currently) having not run from the Stranger in Part 1.
Reward: Knowledge!

You can dance if you want to…
Triggers and requirements: Be a human with at least 16 DKs and have completed the Stranger/Stern Substory
Reward: Inventory ClutterA pretty ribbon to remember him by.

So delightful!
Triggers and requirements: Be level 15. Find the laboratory the Drive is in, possibly by crowd-surfing there on your fans. If you do not find it, it will find you. Try not to die.
Reward: 1 Improbability Point. Yay!¹³⁾

'Giz twennie crap meat or looz yer teef.'
Collect twenty pieces of Crap Meat for the Skronky Tribe or else…
Triggers and requirements: Topple the Skronky Pot.
Reward: Your dignity back.

Mandatory eBoy.
eBoy gives us a glimpse in the ruthless cut-throat auctioneering business. Your participation is obligatory for an advertisement for Wriggley's Nicotine gum.
Triggers and requirements: eBoy('s sponsor) only wants high profile Contestants. 12 DKs.
Reward: A one-shot teleporter.

Swabbing the Deck on the Failboat
The Watcher, fed up with your constant Failing and bleeding all over her lovely Retraining Vessel, has you scrubbing the deck under her watchful eye.
Triggers and requirements: Visit the failboat twenty-five times in one DK.
Reward: A kick in the bum.

Shearing Crazy Audrey's Kittens.
A story of honour, valour and hedgeclippers that warms the cockles of your heart.
Triggers and requirements: 4 DKs, a pair of shears, and a donation 5 req to Crazy Audrey's Fund For The Rehabilitation of Wayward Kittens.
Reward: A small buff and a warm fuzzy feeling.¹⁴⁾

Annual Check-Up
In accordance with union rules for Contestants, all participants of the Improbable Island TV-Show are subject to an annual physical check-up in the hospital tent.
Triggers and requirements: Be on the Island for a year of gametime.
Reward: A free healing pass that'll last the rest of your DK.