Hi! I'm Full Metal Lion, and I… somehow got myself an advice column, like “Ask [knowledgeable person]” or “Miss Manners”¹⁾, to publish weekly! Every newspaper needs one, right? Anyhow, here's where you tell everyone your personal problems, then I assign you a humorous pseudonym and ridicule you for it offer you good advice. Gohere, or Distract Full Metal Lion to submit a question. Need some examples? Well here they are!

Full Metal Lion is not a doctor, psychologist, or pool boy, so don't follow his advice. No, really. This is a humor column,²⁾³⁾ where you will intentionally receive poor and/or lukewarm advice. Full Metal Lion is also probably not like the person he writes like he is.

dear Full Metal Lion

my friend Rohit is asking me to help him build a that is supposed to try and help him get along with other people.. essentially to be able to feel more human. so hes asking me for advice….

my question is if you have any advice that i would be able to give him? –An Android's Assistant

Short answer: No.

Let me explain: you thought you had found a problem you could ask me about, and I applaud you for deferring to my obviously superior judgment, but I am unfortunately just too good at my job to be able to do my job.

You see, I was, as usual, right when I proclaimed I had solved all the problems on Improbable Island; I have received hundreds– if not tens–⁴⁾⁵⁾ of letters just like yours,⁶⁾ asking me to advise their friend Rohit on how to get along with other people. And if the bastard has that many people who'll call him “friend” behind his back, he must be doing something right.

But never fear, gentle reader, for I am always happy to wax philosophical! Have this flowchart about human nature I prepared earlier:

Full Metal Lion wishes you guys would send in more letters. He's bored. It's kind of a Sherlock Holmes situation. Y' know… Sherlock Holmes likes solving murders, but eventually everyone dies, so what's the point really? That's how Sherlock Holmes went, right? I've never read it.

Dear Full Metal Lion,

My life is great. I mean, it's just amazing.
I love hunting through the jungle for monsters, and getting req for it is a bonus! I'm happy with my girlfriend, she doesn't even knee me in the tender bits! And I don't miss the world outside of the island, because honestly, the world sucks and the island rules.

So, my question is,
What is it that I should ask you?

Sincerely,
Naturaly Happy in NewHome.

I totally agree! The island is so cool! In fact, I've had to fight off its awesomeness on some occasions, to keep my head from exploding. Good times.

I read this letter in NewPitts today, and a robot lady⁷⁾ happened to read this over my shoulder. After punching a nearby Joker a few times, she concluded that you had actually asked the question you should've. But answering that again would be boring, so I asked her to come up with a better question anyone could ask.

And, after punching that Joker more, I'm proud to say that she did!
Full Metal Lion hasn't seen you in a while, Nat. How's it going?

Dear Full Metal Loin,

Long-time reader, first-time writer and I'm totally a huge fan of yours! I really dig the whole metal-bad boy-walk on the wild side vibe you have. If you were, like Silicon Loin, that'd be so geeky and a real turn-off. Or Full Ferret Loin would be, like, illegal in five states. But you got the whole, full (or Full) metal thing going on and…oh. I suppose I should ask my question.

I'm a Kittymorph and I've fallen like big-time for a human. I know, right? Totally unexpected. But he's got like a thing for my tail. Well, not a “thing”, per se, but he's like totally freaked about it. And I'm all like, “Dude!” and he's all like “Dude!” and I'm all like “I'm not a dude, dude!” and he's all like “Dude! Fur! I can't tell! And….tail, Dude!” and I'm all like, you know, Like!

Like, what can I do???!?

Love and kisses,
Totally all angst and like emo Kittymorph.

Man, the Drive sure does give a whole new meaning to “chasing tail”, huh?

Now, as some of you will remember, Week 6 was a while ago. So imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning and found I was a dead goat! Also, this letter. It's nice, though.⁸⁾ Keeps me from going completely bonkers. I suppose I should get on to the question, hmm?

I remember the first time I realized other people thought about KittyMorphs romantically. It was an interesting conversation, though probably not for both parties. I was all like “Oh,” and she was all like “Yes, I prefer the company of ladies,” and I was all like “Not that,” and she was all “What?” and I was all like “…Cats.” Good times, good times.

Now, still being of a situation resembling that of the object of your affection's, I knew I could not, though obviously being the tantamount of knowledge that I am⁹⁾, give you the sort of effective and ethical answer I pride myself on¹⁰⁾. Therefore, I decided to use my phone-a-friend on Mr. Stern, curator of the NewHome Museum. If you haven't already, you should check out the museum sometime. Read all the exhibits. Expand your mind.

It was a long trek to NewHome, filled with Lions and Watchers and Bears Strapped to Bears¹¹⁾, and when I got there, the museum was crowded! I couldn't even see Stern, so I ducked into his back room to wait. When there, my eyes fell upon an item inscribed with a set of instructions so helpful, so useful, so pertinent to your problem that I immediately scribbled them down. Here they are:

1. Boil water
2. Pour freshly boiled water over tea bag
3. Steep 4-6 minutes
4. Remove tea bag
5. Sweeten if desired

I hope that helps!

Full Metal Lion sees people seem to do what he tells them not to. In that case, you shouldn't give him all your Req, now.

Dear Full Metal Loin,
It is so nice to know that I am not the only person named Loin out there. We should meet up some time to share commiserating stories about our parents messed up sense of humor.

Also, how do you get shronky stains out of silksteel? Right now mine are so bad it's almost like camo.

Sign,
Loin

Sorry Op just informed me that your name is actually Full Metal Lion! Ignore the first part please.

Ooo! A request and a question! A requestion! Wait, no, that sounds stupid. Also, you do realize I can't make up a humorous pseudonym for you if you tell me your name in the message, right? I mean, you eschewed the traditional format of putting your name last! Even if I decided to call you “Half Fleshy Loin”, where would I put it? The bottom? I can't just go putting names all over the place, willy nilly higgildy piggildy! There has to be a system! Order! Why? Because! Because… it's what separates us from the animals!

Moving on to the question, as you've asked me to disregard the request, I regret to inform you that skronky is impossible to get out of anything. A byproduct of Midget Improbability, I'm afraid. However, I'm sure Shelia will give you a great price for it if you trade it in. ¹²⁾Plus, cameo is a very useful thing to have! And the smell will dissuade monsters from coming near, so, all together, you're all right. Unless you want to hang out with humans, KittyMorphs, or Jokers, in which case, you better clean up your act.

Full Metal Lion has been trying to drag it out, but he fears this is the end of his illustrious career.

Dear Loin,

I don't have any problems! I just wanted to say hi. Everyone likes getting letters!

Love,
Problemless Person

Yes. They're especially good as filler.

Full Metal Lion is sorry about his weekly advice column not exactly being so, but, hey, two out of three ¹³⁾ ain't bad. Besides, he's been having a problem. People keep sending his mail to some “Full Metal Lion”, whoever that is.

Dear Miss Lion,

I dislike people. They keep borrowing my pens without returning them. No matter how much I scowl or sneer at them, they keep invading my personal space bubble! What am I to do?

Yours Sincerely,
Messed-With Misanthropist

[Ed. Note: Originally, FML submitted a what he called “a brief and witty retort” consisting of seven letters, one space, and one punctuation mark. We sent this back, reminding him that we had page space to fill. He then sent it back to us, reminding us that we weren't paying him. We sent it back again, reminding him that it was a privilege to write for the newspaper. He sent it back, reminding us that we had no other regularly publishing articles to attract readers. We sent it back, reminding him that we didn't need readers, as we don't charge anything for a copy of the Enquirer. This back and forth continued until he eventually gave in and wrote the below text.]

“Miss Lion”? What? I– nevermind. However, please do remember, in the future, that I am male. Anyhow, here's how you play it:

Step One: Stuff an Improbability bomb in a pen you aren't going to use. I assume it's a clicky pen. If it isn't a clicky pen, pour in some water from the stream with the rocks with the wigs. If the Imp bomb doesn't fit, stuff two in. If that doesn't work, try a smaller pen.

After that, when someone steals a pen, laugh at them and say “Joke's on you! That one's out of ink!” while flourishing the booby-trapped one. If all goes well, they will metaphorically take the bait, by literally taking the trapped pen. When they attempt to use it, it will maim them in new and interesting ways.

Step Two: Move to CC404.

Full Metal Lion didn't fabricate the editor's note in order to excuse forgetting his column. Nope. He would never do that.

Dear Full Metal Boinloins,


My bed partner constantly elbows and knees me in the tender bits. Day or night, naptime or bedtime, it doesn't matter: he's all over them. I'm losing sleep from the pain and getting fed up. My performance in the jungles has been affected, and my scores are falling. How can I tell my partner kindly to lay off the romantic relations and just go to sleep?!

Sincerely,
Perturbed in Pleasantville

…

That is what people are calling romantic relations these days? Is this an Island-wide thing? I fear for my future relationships.

I have a feeling no one is ever going to get my name right, so I might as well just answer your question. Sit your partner down. Look him in the eye. Say “Stop elbow/kneeing me in the McLovinbits.” Then kiss him. Passionately. Then dump a small bowl of chicken broth on him, while yelling “Sdrawkcab gnihton snaem siht.” Hopefully, he will be so confused he will never tenderize your down/upstairs ever again. Feel free to write again if it doesn't work.

Full Metal Lion answers these in roughly the order of urgency.

Dear Full Metal Loinon, What's the best way to ask a girl out on a date? And if she accepts, what's the gentlemanly way to make sure kissing with tongue is avoided because you're afraid of cutting yourself on her big, pointy teeth? Sincerely, Delicate Dater

Use her proper name, for one. Then follow the following

You will need:

* An outpost near breach that's in a clearing
* A fast motorcycle-esque vehicle (KittyBike/Scrambler)
* One or two Chainsaws
* A fancy suit
* A motorcycle helmet
* A Titan approaching the aforementioned Outpost
* One or two ramps

Make sure your target is inside the outpost, at a high enough altitude to see outside the outpost. Then, at a theatrical moment, burst out of a hiding place on the motorcycle, and circle the outpost, decapitating the monsters as you go. When all the monsters are reduced to bloody (or non-bloody) pulp-like substance, do a victory lap before heading towards the Titan. Use the first ramp to jump through the Titan's head or torso, instantly killing it. Then drive through the Titan's legs as it falls, towards the Outpost. Use the second ramp, which may be made out of monster corpses, to jump over the walls, and next to your target. Finally, casually take off your helmet and ask her if she wants to go out. Be prepared for when she says yes.

As for the teeth, just ask her about what has happened with kissing with them in the past. She might have a solution. Or at least she'll understand your reluctance.

Full Metal Lion mixes the good and bad to make an okay cocktail of mediocrity.

Dear Full Metal Loin, My wife recently passed away. To be honest, it came as no surprise. After a long battle with Third, First and even Fourth Degree Wallititis (which the Hospital Tent Lads assure me is the most severe of all) she finally succumbed to the disease and quietly moved on. Now that she's pushing up the daisies, I am on the prowl again. However, I find it hard. Countless proposals were rejected. Micha. Esc. Budd. Or was it Boud? That one girl I met at eBoys.. Rose wouldn't even believe I was ever married. Elessa took one look at my bank account and rejected me seven times over. It's.. to be truthful, I'm getting desperate. What's a guy to do when neither Trees nor Flowers will reply after you've poured your heart out? Even Emily is looking at me with disdain. Emily for Horatio's sake! Anyway, dear Full Metal Lion, my question is simple. Should I have Hippotamus or Spiderkitty for dinner? Kind Regards,
Ample Rambler

Wallititis, huh? Harsh. Sorry to hear that. If it's any consolation, your wife probably had it much, much easier than you did. Speaking of which, I think the work-experience lads were ripping you off. According to my extensive¹⁴⁾¹⁵⁾ research, there is no such thing as Fourth Degree Wallititis. There's NoFourthWallititis, but I'm assured it is completely a different thing. Moving on, Elessa rejected you? You know what they say: “Once the bank stops giving you interest, Elessa will.” And let me tell you, it is a very fair trade. I mean, she can be in more than seven places at once, which I think you'll agree is quite the talent¹⁶⁾. I looked 'em up, and while there is a person named “Flowers”, there is no “Trees” outside of your imagination. Emily? Try leading up to it by–

Hippotamus¹⁷⁾ or spiderkitty?! For dinner?! I didn't know you were that desperate! I'd refuse to answer, but, alas, my job as an advice columnist compels me. As you know, hippos are fat creatures, which travel in groups, and trample you when you get near, while spiderkitties travel alone, fling themselves at you, and shove their… bits… down your throat¹⁸⁾. I think, now that I've given you these reminders, you have to make the choice yourself.

Full Metal Lion would love to have you for tea, but he's been taught not to talk to the Maniak ones.

Dear Full Metal Lion,
Why is your column entitled “Ask Full Metal Loin[sic]” instead of “Ask Full Metal Lion”?
- Curious Cta

Well, Curious, the answer is a mix of Improbably pervasive typos, incompetence on other people's parts, sex appeal, and brand-name recognition. Need I say more?

Full Metal Lion writes about himself in the third person.

Dear Full Metal Lion,

My Aunt Bertha is constantly giving me homicidal fruitcake, which really messes up my jive. However, she is also the IIR ambassador to CyberCity404, so telling her not to send me any more could ignite an island-wide war. What can I do?
- Fruity from Fruitcake

Fruity, you don't need to worry about island-wide wars. The Network doesn't generally allow contestants to fight other contestants, so a war is out of the question. Too many cameras would be damaged.In the hypothetical off chance that a war would happen, arrange for your aunt's death, and the death of her opposite number on the opposite side of the potential war, at the hands of a third party you dislike. This should get rid of Bertha, the war, and the third party in one fell swoop, as the two sides will unite against the third party.

Full Metal Lion writes about himself in italics.

Dear Full Metal Lion,

Whine bitch moan whine.
- The Whiny Bitch Moan Whiner.

Man up.

Full Metal Lion will try hard to be clever in this space.

Dear Full Metal Lion,

I'm living in CC404, because robots tell the best jokes. [Yes they do.] However, my friends refuse to join me. They say that Rohit creeps them out. Therefore, I need a way to communicate with them. The Comms tent is expensive, and sometimes they aren't there. So, please, Full Metal Lion, tell me, is there a better way?
- Robout of the loop

Your friends are lame. Get better friends. If you are such a social leper that getting more or different friends isn't an option, haven't you heard of the Inter-Island Memo System?

Full Metal Lion invented that system. Or “discovered”, as the case maybe.