The Old Improbable Island Wiki

The time of this legal battle is 18:15, EST to 19:36 EST; Tuesday, May 19th ¹⁾ and is held in the grounds of Kittania, nearby but not on the property of Heidi.

The parties involved:

Zolotisty

Kai Victoria

Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen

Steve ²⁾

The grounds of this legal proceeding have yet to be revealed to the public. ³⁾

(1h30m) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria walks in, slower pace. He ran out of Scottish songs, and resorted to Irish. He got through the final measures of Danny boy before deeming it to be enough.⁴⁾
(1h28m) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria rubs his throat. It hasn't been used as much in the past five years of his life as it was just then.
(1h21m) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty strides into the Outpost on foot, nigh unrecognizable given her usual wardrobe choices. She spots KK and adjusts her glasses, nodding sidelong at Gorbert, who is keeping stride with her. ⁵⁾⁶⁾
(1h20m) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen is looking professional and business-like. He strides briskly alongeside Zolotisty, both of them heading straight for KK.
(1h20m) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty speaks up, “Mr. Kai Victoria? My associate and I are here as representatives of the Weathervane Players, you're being audited under the authority of the Alien and Sedition Acts.” ⁷⁾
(1h19m) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty says, “If you could give us just a moment of your time to discuss particulars, we would be most grateful.”
(1h19m) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen pulls out a sheaf of paper filled with legal jargon and points out the corresponding passages.
(1h18m) <DICE> Miniature Rosin follows Z and Gorbert into the outpost sneakily, using her size and shadows to their prime advantages.
(1h17m) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria blinks, mouth open at seeing Zolo like that. He takes the paper, putting on his glasses and reading over it, still a little stunned at Zolo's appearance. ⁸⁾
(1h15m) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty snatches one of the papers back from KK, setting down her briefcase. “Ah, yes – article fourteen, magazine twelve, periodical forty two point cosine arc tangent. ⁹⁾ The defendant, herewithafter..”
(1h14m) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria looks up at Zolo, then to Gorbert. “Alien and Sedition?” He asks, still really thrown off.
(1h14m) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen nods solemnly.
(1h14m) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty continues quickly, “Referred to as the ROOK, will promptly advise the PLAYERS, herewithafter referred to as the AUXILIARY ENSEMBLE or sometimes THE THEATRICAL COMPANY..”
(1h13m) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria opens his mouth to say something and is instantly interupted once more.
(1h13m) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty says, “If I so see fit, shall, in writing, of any actions, nested clause that altogether loses its antecedent, that, quid pro quo,¹⁰⁾¹¹⁾ will, summarily, endanger persons of the AUXILIARY ENSEMBLE..”
(1h12m) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria closes his mouth, adjusting his glasses. He tries to get another word in.
(1h12m) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen has dealt with plenty of lawyers in his time. He knows that it's impossible to talk if they don't want you to. Zolo's doing a fine job. ¹²⁾
(1h11m) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty says, “Herewithafter referred to as THE CONFEDERACY, established this day on 1492 ¹³⁾, to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, with proper respect to – ah, excuse me.”
(1h11m) <DICE> Miniature Rosin loses her sneaking concentration while in a tree, the leaves rustling a bit. Z's surprisingly good with fasttalk. ¹⁴⁾
(1h10m) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen is pokerfaced. ¹⁵⁾ He occasionally nods or gives some other small affirmation of what Z's saying.
(1h10m) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty adjusts her glasses again, squinting at the paper, “A certain element of adjournment sine ¹⁶⁾ die, or among –” She eyes KK. “Laypeople, ¹⁷⁾ the right to bare arms in public ¹⁸⁾, closely related to –”
(1h10m) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria takes the offered paper from Gorbert again, trying to find where Zolo is reading from. ¹⁹⁾ It's not working too well.
(1h9m) <DICE> Furrious Symar bounds out of her shack, and waves to Gorbert and Z, before carrying on.
(1h9m) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty turns to Gorbert. “Was it the good Edward Hyde, 1st Earl of Clarendon? ²⁰⁾ Yes. On his writ, the ROOK, hereafterwithafter referred to as the 'fiat iustia' ²¹⁾ –” She leans nearer to jab the paper.
(1h9m) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen nods at Symar but can't talk to her now. Business.
(1h8m) <DICE> Iridescent Third Sicpuess is at the border of where the chatter is audible, pretending to do Something Else.
(1h8m) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty continues quickly, “Agrees to keep THE CONFEDERACY, hereafter THE UNION ²²⁾, indemnified against any actions, suits, claims, demands, proceedings, losses, damages, compensation, sums of money, costs..” ²³⁾
(1h8m) <NBLUE> Lieutenant Colonel Supp Siklroz glances over at the rather one-sided conversation between Gorbert and Zolotisty. He never really liked lawyers…
(1h7m) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria blinks. He's going to be referred to as the phrase 'Let there be justice, though the world perish?' He would've preferred ROOK.
(1h7m) <DICE> Furrious Symar myaos at Third.
(1h6m) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty says, “Habeas corpus,²⁴⁾ for abolishing the free system of English laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government ²⁵⁾, and enlarging its boundaries, we cannot guarantee..” ²⁶⁾
(1h6m) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen clears his throat. “Forgive me, Ms. Zolotisty, but I believe you have forgotten to mention the 'parens patriae' clause.” ²⁷⁾
(1h6m) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria stands up. He knew it a while ago, but for some reason couldn't leave. He begins walking off, well aware for a while that Z has no idea what in the Hell she's talking about.
(1h6m) <DICE> Iridescent Third Sicpuess shifts to stand, or rather, crouch next to Symar. There's a hand behind her fluffy ears. “Nownow, little fuzz?”
(1h5m) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty stops, aghast. “I did.” ²⁸⁾ She looks at Gorbert. Then after KK, clearing her throat. “WITH RESPECT TO COMPENSATION..” ²⁹⁾³⁰⁾
(1h5m) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria freezes. ³¹⁾
(1h5m) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty says, “The UNION is wholly willing to negotiate with the fiat iustia, hereafter referred to as the BASTILLE DAY.³²⁾³³⁾”
(1h5m) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria knows legal jargon well. He hates it. He also knows compensation well. He loves it.
(1h4m) <DICE> Furrious Symar purrs and rubs against Third's leg. “So, that's going on here?”
(1h4m) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen nods, quite impressed. Zolotisty has pulled out the big guns of lawyers..
(1h4m) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria gives her a similar 'What the Hell look.' He's referred to now as the Bastille day?
(1h3m) <NBLUE> Lieutenant Colonel Supp Siklroz pulls out an English-Legalese dictionary, but Z is talking too fast for him to look it up. If only he had a Babel fish.
(1h3m) <DICE> Miniature Rosin pokes her head out of the cover of her tree, upside down. What?
(1h3m) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty gives KK an inquiring look and cracks open her briefcase.
(1h3m) <DICE> Furrious Symar meant to say “What's”, not “That's”.
(1h2m) <DICE> Iridescent Third Sicpuess titters for a couple of moments, before getting herself together (herselfs?). “Lawsuit.” , she states. “Matter of Zolotisty vs KK.” ³⁴⁾
(1h3m) <NBLUE> Lieutenant Colonel Supp Siklroz gives up trying to understand what the whole thing is about and heads out into the jungle in search of adventure.
(1h1m) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria turns around to face her, giving her an equally leveling look over the frame of his own glasses. He's suddenly acquired a very official air to him.
(1h) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty draws out a contract. ³⁵⁾
(1h) <DICE> Iridescent Third Sicpuess slowly gets where this is heading to, at least on one part. KKs part stays unclear to her.
(1h) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty says, “Mr. Vanhousserhoffen, do you have the pens?” ³⁶⁾
(59m46s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria holds up a hand to stop Gorbert, drawing out one of his own.
(59m42s) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen produces two high-quality ink pens. He “borrowed” them from the bank. ³⁷⁾
(59m32s) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen puts one of them away. ³⁸⁾
(59m10s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty plucks the other from Gorbert's hand with a thank-you. ³⁹⁾
(56m34s) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen holds out the briefcase to provide a flat, steady surface ⁴⁰⁾ upon which they can sign the contract.
(56m12s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty thanks Gorbert again. She indicates places to initial and sign.
(55m10s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria shakes his head to Gorbert, taking up the contract to read it. Zolotisty really underestimates his care in certain matters… “Compensation: Rubber duck.” KK reads. ⁴¹⁾
(54m55s) <DICE> Furrious Symar watches with curiosity.
(54m53s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria looks at Zolo with 'Are you serious?' ⁴²⁾
(54m2s) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen opens the briefcase and produces aforementioned rubber duck, holding it up temptingly. ⁴³⁾
(53m56s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty is poker-faced. “As I said, the UNION is open to negotiations with the BASTILLE DAY.”
(53m41s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty leans to very seriously squeak the duck.
(52m35s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria takes the rubber duck. Squeaking it. He blinks. Then looks at Zolotisty. 'Are you serious?' has turned to a very calm 'What the fuck?' ⁴⁴⁾
(52m20s) <DICE> Furrious Symar giggles at the duck. ⁴⁵⁾
(51m44s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty snaps the briefcase shut for Gorbert. They stand together, looking very solemn.
(50m41s) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen says, “That duck can be yours, client BASTILLE DAY. All you have to do is sign the contract.”
(50m14s) <NBLUE> Lieutenant Colonel Supp Siklroz walks in on the legal proceedings once again, noticing the rubber duck. Well, he has seen odder occurrences on the Island, so he's not one to question it.
(49m50s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria continues reading the contract. “Santa clause?” He asks, looking to Zolotisty. “You mean: Sanity clause?”
(49m9s) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen shakes his head. “There is no Sanity Clause.” ⁴⁶⁾
(49m5s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty clears her throat. “There's fineprint for the duck, I'm afraid.” She turns over the duck in KK's hand. She pauses. “Sant de Clas? ⁴⁷⁾ No.”

(48m49s) <DICE> Iridescent Third Sicpuess very apparently has lost interest in listening, and focuses entirely on scritching Symar while not getting fur on anywhere on her.

(48m22s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty nods in affirmation. “My associate is quite right.” Then, intoning, “No user serviceable parts inside. If rash, redness or itching develops, discontinue use and seek consultation with your..” ⁴⁸⁾
(47m52s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty leans very close. The print is smudged. “Magic hate ball.” ⁴⁹⁾She straightens again, clasping her arms behind her back.
(47m20s) <DICE> Furrious Symar loses focus as well, purring more as she gets scritched.
(47m20s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria blinks. That must've killed a few childhoods right there, what Gorbert said. Now how to explain those presents? ⁵⁰⁾
(46m28s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria nods slowly. “Magic hate ball…” ⁵¹⁾
(45m44s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty exchanges a look with Gorbert.
(44m58s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty says, “Look, Mr. Victoria, we understand if you're unable to take a contract. There are more qualified candidates,⁵²⁾ I'm sure.” ⁵³⁾
(44m5s) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen nods solemnly, face blank. “We could try that client in Pleasantville, Ms. Tisty.” ⁵⁴⁾
(43m53s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria nods. “Well. Call if need substitute.” He smirks, turning on his heel.
(43m27s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty nods at him. “Or at least, most recently based out of Pleasantville. What was her – do you have her card?⁵⁵⁾ Domino, was it?” ⁵⁶⁾
(42m42s) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen pulls something out of his pocket. “Miss Domino Victoria ⁵⁷⁾, Ms. Tisty.”
(42m19s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty says, “Undoubtedly superior in every respect.” ⁵⁸⁾
(42m17s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria stops. His face cracks and he buckles over, laughing hysterically. ⁵⁹⁾
(41m57s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty struggles to maintain composure.
(41m22s) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen says, “I've actually seen her work. She is indeed superior.” ⁶⁰⁾ He has managed to keep even a flicker of emotion from crossing his face.
(41m7s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria turns around after recollection. “You'd have harder time getting her in costume than I.” ⁶¹⁾
(40m44s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty looks grave. “Oh?”
(40m41s) <DICE> Iridescent Third Sicpuess makes a mental note on “Misstisty.” At least a part of her is still listening. Maybe two. Or five. Her face takes on a very pleased expression upon the first mention of DO.
(40m35s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty says, “What's her price?” ⁶²⁾
(40m13s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria chuckles. “More than duck.” ⁶³⁾
(39m51s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty says, “Ahah. And what's yours.” ⁶⁴⁾
(39m47s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria coughs. “Sorry. Squeaking duck.” ⁶⁵⁾
(39m29s) <DICE> Miniature Rosin drops from her tree and sneaks closer, hiding in a ridiculously small bush. Interesting.
(39m14s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty inclines her head in a gracious 'yes, we all make SOME oversights' sort of way.

(39m27s) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen says to Zolotisty, “Since she's better, I think we'll have to offer her quite a bit more if he hope to persuade her to cooperate.”

(39m6s) <DICE> Furrious Symar myaos. She heard the word costume, and is curious again.
(37m59s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria takes up the contract again. He'd much rather DO do it, but the contract is open ended…
(37m45s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty frowns. “..a unicycle too, do you think?” ⁶⁶⁾
(37m2s) <DICE> Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen shakes his head. “I'm thinking at least a pair of stilts ⁶⁷⁾.” He ignores KK.
(36m5s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty murmurs, “Yes, well, hmn. A mensa et thoro,⁶⁸⁾ as you'll know..”
(36m5s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria laughs, then turns around again, beginning to walk. “Again: Call if need.”
(35m30s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty glances up and after KK. “Name your terms.” ⁶⁹⁾
(34m53s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria doesn't stop. “Thirteen.” ⁷⁰⁾ He states, still walking.
(34m42s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty says, “Done.”
(34m) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria grins, instantly turning around, revising the contract with the skill of a New York dog of the Legal System ⁷¹⁾, signing the line and initialing.
(33m3s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty signs as well. Gorbert witnesses ⁷²⁾⁷³⁾, Z pushes the rubber duck into KK's hands. Something about a complimentary gift ⁷⁴⁾, ipso facto.⁷⁵⁾
(31m39s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria takes the duck, holding it between his thumb and forefinger. He squeeks it, then chuckles quietly.
(31m12s) <DICE> Furrious Symar myaos at the squeak.
(31m12s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty beams.
(30m29s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty pats KK on the arm. “Thank you. Now, if you'll..” She shakes her head quickly, as if bothered by a fly. “..Nn, excuse me. I need to change.”
(29m39s) <DICE> Miniature Rosin is gone. Not like Z leaves, though. This was more the sort of 'disappearing in a cloud of fluttering rose petals' type of leaving.
(29m28s) <SPOON> Ahi Koa KK Victoria shrugs. “It's good look.” He says, walking off in the other direction. He'll have copies of the contract written up for all parties ⁷⁶⁾ and the witness. ⁷⁷⁾
(28m59s) <DICE> The Soloist Zolotisty disappears.

Thus ends the case of 'A matter of Zolo Vs. KK.' It was resolved in an improvised court in front of a non-existing judge without any bit of power. Steve was the presiding Notary at the time and verified the signatures.