The Old Improbable Island Wiki

A completeish history of the Jenkins statues.
(work in progress)

On the sixth of January, 2012, OOC time, this conversation was had:

Full Metal Lion says “Hello everybody!”

Jim Joe Jenkins having been relaxing on a bench, with a helmet over his head just incase any passing zombies wanted to try a bit of his brain, is startled by the voice “Who?! What!? That doesn't sound like one of the voices inside my head…Hello?”

Full Metal Lion says “Hey! Is that you, Jim Joe?”

Jim Joe Jenkins ducks under his bench “Don't call me Jim Joe!”

Full Metal Lion says “What should I call you?”

Den is amazed. The BoI is open as are the Council Offices! He could not be more grateful to the Contestants who lifted the Breach. He adds to the Walls what he can and heads to the Commons to send what gifts he can afford.

Jim Joe Jenkins says “Jenkins, or by my entire title. But not Jim Joe!”

Full Metal Lion says “Okay, Jenkins. Look over there! What an amazed Kittymorph!”

Jim Joe Jenkins looks at the kittymorph “O-Okay. I'm looking at him…What now?”

Full Metal Lion says “Now stop leering at him, you pervert. I'm kidding of course. So, how's life?”

Jim Joe Jenkins blinks “Good, but I'd like to know who the new voice in my head is?”

Full Metal Lion says “New voi– Oh! It's me,Full Metal Lion, Jenkins. I'm on the Comms speaker.”

Jim Joe Jenkins stops hiding under his bench and frowns “Jerk. Making me think I had 5 voices in my head all of a sudden”

Full Metal Lion says “5?”

Jim Joe Jenkins coughs. Did he say that out loud? “I meant 2. Mine and yours. 2. Yes. Hey Lion”

Full Metal Lion says “Right…”

Full Metal Lion says “Hey.”

Jim Joe Jenkins looks around “So you're on the Comm's tent huh? Those guys are rip-off artists”

Full Metal Lion says “Yeah. Let me tell you, I tried to talk to the FailBoat a while back, but I couldn't hear anyone. So I demanded a refund. They refused, so I made a big stink about it. Eventually, they caved, and gave me the store credit I'm using to make this call.”

Jim Joe Jenkins says “I wish I could do that. I've given countless cigs to that creepy old guy in there. And his camera is so unreliable”

Full Metal Lion says “Cigs? They only asked me for Req.”

Jim Joe Jenkins shakes his head “I meant for the secret service” He considers explaining it to him, but decides to go with the lazier explanation “ You'll understand when you've been here for a while. So, how's it going for you?”

Full Metal Lion says “Oh, same ol', same ol', fighting monsters and DanQuesting in Kitt. You?.”

Jim Joe Jenkins nods “Just making sure NewPitts doesn't get breached again”

Full Metal Lion says “Was it breached recently?”

Jim Joe Jenkins sighs, looking at the shoddy walls “It's allways going in and out of breaches. That's why i'm here at the moment. To help”

Full Metal Lion says “Shouldn't the giant mass of zombies be able to take care of themselves?”

Jim Joe Jenkins says “Unfortuneately no. There aren't many zombies around. And those that are aren't all here ya know?”

Full Metal Lion says “Yeah. Fortunately, they have you, a veritable god of being all there.”

Jim Joe Jenkins puffs out his chest “I wouldn't say god but…Pretty damn close aren't I? I am pretty godlike” He gains a cocky grin, his ego being boosted enough for weeks to come

Full Metal Lion says “Yep. Pretty godlike.”

Jim Joe Jenkins nods “You know, there should be a statue of me somewhere around here. Perhaps infront of Vigour Mortis…”

Full Metal Lion says “Suit or sans-suit?”

Jim Joe Jenkins hmm's, not knowing what that means “I dunno. Which do you think would look better? I mean, they'd both look gorgeous, being modeled after me, but…”

Full Metal Lion says “It is a very nice suit. Besides, I'd imagine your statue would get cold without it.”

Full Metal Lion checks over his shoulder.

Jim Joe Jenkins nods, examining his suit “It is isn't it? It's my lucky suit too. And I wouldn't want my poor statue to get cold”

Full Metal Lion says “Well, I'm glad I Commed you up. This is a very important subject, which needs to be examined in depth. Who would make the statue?”

Jim Joe Jenkins says “The finest sculptor on the island. Or maybe I could get the Network to bring in the finest sculptor in the world?”

Full Metal Lion says “I doubt it. The Network– uh…” he remembers that the Network is watching, and is forced to finish his sentence lamely. “Has better things too do.”s

Jim Joe Jenkins sighs “You're right. But whoever it is, it'd have to be a man. We wouldn't want a woman sculptor to faint while swooning over me as I pose. Infact, what pose should I be in?” He begins flexing in several different poses

Full Metal Lion says “We'll have to ask to viewers at home to vote on it. It's only fair.”

Jim Joe Jenkins nods more “Yes yes, after all, it's a gift to the people! Allright viewers” He faces a camera “Go call the network to vote on which pose I should do. Say pose 1 for this pose” He flexes, arms above his head

Full Metal Lion says “Don't vote too quickly! The next ones might be even better!”

Jim Joe Jenkins says “Say pose 2 for this pose” He puts on foot on the bench, pointing off into the distance “Call now!”“

Jim Joe Jenkins says “Say pose 3 for this pose” He gets into a ridiculous fighting stance, that looks like it came straight from the 1920's “Call now!””

Full Metal Lion says “Do a contemplative one.”

Jim Joe Jenkins sits on the bench, and poses like the thinker “Say pose 4 for this one. Call now!”

Jim Joe Jenkins gets back up “I think that's enough poses. We wouldn't want to make it too hard of a decision for the viewers now would we?”

Full Metal Lion says “Say! just had a great idea! What if one pose was holding a sign, and you could charge cigs for people to give it their advertisement?”

Jim Joe Jenkins shakes his head “It's a work of art, not a billboard!”

Full Metal Lion says “I guess you're right. I should be ashamed of my capitalist nature.”

Jim Joe Jenkins nods “Damn right you shoul-” He's interrupted by a piece of paper that falls from a plane soaring above the island. It lands in his hands “Ooo! The results are in!”

Full Metal Lion says “So soon?”

Jim Joe Jenkins reads it “5 for pose one, 23 for pose two, 9 for pose three, 16 for pose 4, 36 for pose billboard and 125,243 for no statue”

Full Metal Lion says “Huh. What're you going to go with?”

Jim Joe Jenkins sighs “Well, sometimes the people are right ya know? Pose billboard” He ignores the votes of the idiots who don't appreciate the art of statues

Full Metal Lion says “In that case, Vigour Mortis probably won't want it in front of their establishment.”

Jim Joe Jenkins hmms “Perhaps we should put it infront of the Council Offices then?”

Full Metal Lion says “Maybe, maybe. What buildings are in NewPitts?”

Full Metal Lion can't see well, there's static on his end.

Jim Joe Jenkins says “There's the Hunter's Lounge, Eboy's Sheila's Shack o' Shiny, BRAAAIINS, the Bank, the Dojo, Comm's Tent, and Mike's Chop Shop”

Full Metal Lion says “Hmm… all commercial enterprises, who'll want a cut of the dough… what if we just put it in the town square?”

Full Metal Lion says “Or in front of the entrance!”

Jim Joe Jenkins nods again “Good idea. That way everyone can see it”

Jim Joe Jenkins daydreams about his beutifal body carved out of stone, welcoming contestants into the outpost “It'll be wonderful…”

Full Metal Lion says “Yep. Heh. Heh heh heh. Ha. Hahaha! Hahahahehahuha! MUHAHAHAHAHA- ack! *cough cough* Ahem. Right. Yes. Good.”

Jim Joe Jenkins says “Ya know, you're a real good idea man. You a professional brainstormer or something?”

Full Metal Lion says “I could be. For 50% of the profit, I'll be a designated brainstormer on your project.”

Jim Joe Jenkins hmm's, tapping his chin “50% huh? How about 40%?”

Full Metal Lion says “47%”

Jim Joe Jenkins says “45%”

Full Metal Lion says “Alright, but I want it rounded in my favor, if it ends up as a decimal.”

Full Metal Lion says “My cut, that is.”

Jim Joe Jenkins smiles “Deal. You drive a hard bargain”

Full Metal Lion says “Thanks. So, here's my first paid-for-idea: We hold a competition for the best statue of you, with a prize of some amount of Req.”

Jim Joe Jenkins grins “You're worth every ciggy you know that? Brilliant!”

Full Metal Lion says “That's not all. We can, if we tell the contests we will, keep all the statues.”

Jim Joe Jenkins blinks “Pure. Fucking. Genius” He wonders how many people would enter such a contest. Alot probably, I mean, who wouldn't want to sculpt him?

Full Metal Lion says “Thank you. I'll put an ad in the Enquirer as soon as we figure out the details for submission.”

Full Metal Lion says “Of course, nothing beats running around yelling about it at the top of your lungs.”

Jim Joe Jenkins taps his chin “Must be 15 feet tall, with a 5 by 4 foot sign”

Jim Joe Jenkins raises an eyebrow “What about putting up signs around Outposts?”“

Full Metal Lion says “Yeah! That'd be great, if you can find sign material. We should give your picture to the Enquirer, too. For reference. And it'd be good art.”

Jim Joe Jenkins nods “I have a couple of me we could use”

Full Metal Lion says “Excellent. Now: when should the deadline be, and other specifics?”

Jim Joe Jenkins says “In a week maybe? We'll have the contest here, or maybe one clique south? Either way, it's gonna be awesome”

Full Metal Lion says “A week might be too short… what about two weeks?”

Jim Joe Jenkins shrugs “Allright. Two weeks”

Full Metal Lion says “Thousand Req grand prize? Seems large enough, but also affordable enough.”

Jim Joe Jenkins says “Not big enough. I don't want amatuers making my beutifal face. 10 KAJILLION req prize!””

Full Metal Lion says “10 KAJILLION isn't legally a number, so no one would enter.”

Jim Joe Jenkins scoffs “Of course they will. For a kajillion req, people'd do anything. Put it in the ads allright?”

Full Metal Lion says “Alright. What if they come to collect?”

Jim Joe Jenkins says “I'll get the money in time, don't worry”

Full Metal Lion says “I wish to renegotiate my contract, from '45% profit, rounded up' to '45% income, rounded up'.”

Jim Joe Jenkins shrugs “Fine.”

Full Metal Lion says “Thanks. Now, let me just write down a rough draft of the ad…”

Jim Joe Jenkins twiddles his thumbs, beginning to whistle “Sure is taking you a while with that rough draft”

Full Metal Lion says “Statue, Jim Joe Jenkins? Jim Joe Jenkins wants YOU to make a statue of him. simply turn to Page A3, get an eyeful of the handsome fellow and make a statue! If your statue is the best, you'll win the Grand Prize: 10 KAJILLION REQ! S”

Full Metal Lion says “ubmissions must in NewPitts on January 21st.”

Jim Joe Jenkins nods “Okay. Let me see it”

Full Metal Lion says “And of course, I'll have footnotes with the fine print.”

Jim Joe Jenkins says “Sounds good”

Full Metal Lion says “I'll just clean it up, and put it in the Classifieds. You'll know it's there when you see it.”

Full Metal Lion says “But now, I must go kill some monsters. Pleasure doing business with you.”

Jim Joe Jenkins nods “Seeya” He strolls off to do some monster killing of his own

Both Jenkins and FML mysteriously found flimsy cardboard signs ²⁾ in the jungle, and used them to advertise.

Later, the following ads were found in the Classy:

Statue, Jim Joe Jenkins?³⁾
Jim Joe Jenkins wants YOU⁴⁾ to make a
statue of him. Simply turn to Page 4,
get an eyeful of the handsome fellow
and make a statue!⁵⁾
If your statue is the best⁶⁾, you'll win the
Grand Prize:
10 KAJILLION REQ!
Submissions⁷⁾& submittors must be
in NewPitts on January 21st⁸⁾.
Contact Jim Joe Jenkins
(or Full Metal Lion)
if you feel a need to.

Statue-Contest⁹⁾
Omega wants YOU¹⁰⁾ to make a
statue of Jim Joe Jenkins. Simply turn to Page 4,
get an eyeful of the handsome fellow
and make a statue!¹¹⁾
If your statue is the best¹²⁾, you'll win the
Grand Prize:
9 KAJILLION REQ!
Submissions¹³⁾& submittors must be
in Pleasantville on January 20th¹⁴⁾.
Contact Omega
if you feel a need to.

Hey!
I'm watching you, Omega!
-FML, The Idea Man of the Statue Contest

Please note:
Omega's ad is inaccurate.
Jenkins's is the true one.

Wanted:
Omega to take down his misleading ad.
_{Name your price.}
-FML, The Idea Man of the Statue Contest

Wanted:
Somebody who teaches people how to
address those of other genders properly.
_{Also Fifteen Kajillion requisition tokens.}
-Omega, true creator of statue contest. —- Please do excuse me,
I forgot that Greek symbols could vary
on the twenty third chromosome pair.
On a related note, one usually
isn't allowed to own people.
_{Also, I'll give you two Req.}
-FML

I strongly suggest
that you raise your offer;
Three and a half or I will not agree.
_{Unless you maybe give me some lint and buttons too.}
-Omega, Runs a respectable, legal business.

Two and a half Req

Then all the ads but the first two disappeared because of a mysterious figure named “Kilroy”, who “was here”.

Finally, FML bribed an editor of the Enquirer to switch the positions of the two remaining ads.