Cantankerous Biggs stares intently over the top of the beer keg at his opponent Halitosis Wilson, a worthy adversary in The Game. The Game is a very important part of Squat Hole life, with a lot of prestige attached to winning.

This match is particularly important. It is a title match. Whoever wins will walk away with the title Grandmaster of Squat Hole.

Cantankerous Biggs is fully aware that no other race joins in, presumably as it requires more intellect than their meagre talents provide. This is a contest for the very highest of stakes.

Cantankerous Biggs knows, as does Halitosis and every other squat watching, that this is tantamount to Grandmaster of Improbable Island and probably Grandmaster of the World.

Nobody knows where The Game started or how it came about. Some say that it was invented by Big Su Skronky as a way of teaching strategy to the elite of the Skronky Pot Protector Society.

Some say that it was a gift from the Watcher in recognition of the squats' unique contributions to the Island. Whatever its provenance, The Game is important.

Cantankerous Biggs thinks long and hard before making his opening move. He comes to a decision and plays. A nought in the top left corner. Now it's Halitosis' turn to sweat. The move, when it comes, is fast and brutal - a cross in the middle of the bottom row.

Cantankerous Biggs concentration is disturbed as the quiet is broken by a sharp intake of breath and the concommitant round of squats coughing their guts up. “Oi! Shat thu fack up! Oim tryin tu pluy uh game ere!” He goes back to studying the game board as the coughing subsides.

Cantankerous Biggs plays. His nought goes in the middle square of the right hand side. That should give Halitosis pause for thought. It does indeed! Halitosis' skill and experience at the game has made her alive to the subtleties.

Cantankerous Biggs has a potential winning move! She moves to block it. A cross in the centre square. It's back to Biggs. He takes careful stock of the situation, before putting his nought in the top right square.

Cantankerous Biggs' guns have been spiked for the moment, and Halitosis has breathing space. She uses it to put a cross in the bottom right corner. Too late she sees the trap that's been set! She has limited options open to her now, and goes for the Squat Hole Gambit.

Cantankerous Biggs is just considering his move when Halitosis suddenly lunges over the keg and delivers a left hook to his ear. “Oi yu fackin dick'ed!” Soon Biggs and Halitosis are rolling on the ground in a brawl.

This is the same way that every game of Noughts and Crosses has finished in Squat Hole, ever since the squats were taught it last Tuesday, by a passing robot, with the forlorn hope of teaching the squats the elements of logical thought.