Chlamydia and Big Su Skronky are having a conflab. Chlamydia has had an idea, and she's pitching it to Sewage. “Thur's a lut uv talunt in Squthul.” Sewage concurs. This is well known to everybody. “But uh lut uv it gets missed.”

Chlamydia Skronky warms to her theme. “So, lutz av prizes fur thu bust talent thur iz. Prizes fur achivmunt in chumustry, mudicin, luteratur, und uh spucial prize fur peace. Wull cull um thu Skronky Prizes tu mek um dead prustugius loik.”

Chlamydia Skronky “Imagin thut, thu Skronky Peace Prize! Itul mean uvurybudies talkin abut uz Skronkys und ow we suppurt learnin und peace! Wull av a panel of ighly ruspucted squats to choose oo guts the prizes, und mek um upun to unybudy un thu Island loik.”

Sewage Skronky likes the idea, especially the bit about how everybody would be talking about the Skronkys, but there's one part that she's not sure about. “Mek um upun tu unybudy? I furt thut they wuz jus fur squats?”

Chlamydia Skronky “Wull oo ulse iz gunna win um? Uvrybudy nuz thut squats uz thu cluvurest race un the Island. Und thu must peace luvin. Bund tu be squats wot win um innit?”

Chlamydia Skronky “Oil hud the panul, oil gut sum uvur squats tu elp me, Mundungous ere say.” she points to Mundungous Hobbes the great squat philosopher who is currently in his permanent position propping up the bar “Und wull giv thu winnerz uh voucher fur a free kebab.”

Sewage Skronky is satisfied with the whole idea. “Yu du thut. Wull giz yu a few days tu cum up wiv thu prize winnurs, und thun wull old uh ceremony tu awurd thum, ere, un Booz loik, innit?”

Thus the Skronky prizes are born.

The anticipated day has arrived - the day the Skronky Prizes award ceremony. Booz is packed full of squats, most of whom are hoping to have won a prize. There is no shortage of talent in Squat Hole it would seem.

Sewage Skronky feels that she has to introduce the ceremony properly. She climbs up onto the bar to give a speech. “Ahem, ahem, ah. . .SHUT THU FACK UP YER FACKIN DICK'EADS. . . Roit nu. Uz uvrybudy nows, thurz lutz uv tulunt in Squat Hole.”

Sewage Skronky “Lutz uv cluvurness, cos Squat Olez full uv squats, und squats ur thu cluvurust race un thu Island.” There's lots of murmers of agreement and thoughtful head noddings at this statement, it touches a chord in many squats hearts.

Sewage Skronky “But uh lut uv pupul dunt realise ow cluvur squats ur.” More nods of agreement. “Thutz why uz, Sewage Skronkys, cem up wiv thu idea tu sturt uh prustugius prize tu thu cluvurust folk un thu Island, thu Skronky Prizes.”

Sewage Skronky pauses, but the assembled squats don't realise that there's meant to be applause here. “OY! Wotz wrung wiv yu? Aint yu umprussed? Thuz iz spuciul Skronky prizes yu fackin ignurunt duckudz! Lutz ear sum cluppin!”

Sewage Skronky listens to the hurried applause. “Thutz buttur. Nu. Uz oi wuz sayin. Thiz prustugius prizes uz guvun oot by thu Skronky, uz patruns uv lurnin, tu unybudy un thu Island, su whun thur wun by squats, uvrywun wull know thut squats ur thu cluvrust race.”

Sewage Skronky “Oo wunz thu prustugius prizes wuz decuded by a punul uv sum uv thu must ruspuctud names un thu Island. We av, uz thu ead uv thu punul, Chlamydia Skronky!” Sewage waits again. “CLUPPIN!” Nervous squats give the appropriate applause.

Sewage Skronky “Uns she is elped by Mundungous Hobbes und Cantankerous Biggs.” Nervous squats have started to cotton on, and quickly start to applaud. “WOT THU FACK UR YU CLAPPIN THUM FUR? Yu dudunt clap fur Chlamydia, ooz uh Skronky, but yer clap fur thum muppets?”

Sewage Skronky “Wot thu fack yu thunkin uv?” thu applause dies down sharply. Biggs, the most enthusiastic clapper, tries to pretend that he was just, er, doing something else with his hands.

Sewage Skronky “Wivoot uny mur wittin, oil and yu uvur tu Cantankerous Biggs tu tull uz ooz wun thu prizes.” She tries to climb down off the bar, but slips and falls, landing heavily on Ratpiss Jenkins who was just coming to get another pint.

Sewage Skronky “OI! yu clumsy fackwitted dick'ed yu! Wot du yu thunk yur doin?” KICK! Ratpiss, already down, is sent head first into the nearest barrel. Cantankerous Biggs climbs up onto the bar and takes over as master of ceremonies.

Cantankerous Biggs “Ullo uvrywun. Um unured tu be able tu prusunt tu yu thu wunnurs uv thu fumus und ighly prustugius Skronky Prizes. Furst thu Skronky Prize fur chumustry. . .

Sewage Skronky interupts him. “Thu Prustugius Skronky Prize fur chumustry.”

Cantankerous Biggs “Thu Prustugius Skronky prize fur chumustry. Thus wuz uh ard ducisiun tu mek, cuz thurs a lut of vury cluvur squats ere.”

Cantankerous Biggs “We ad uh shurtlust uv free. Thur wuz talkydoor ooz invuntiun uv the Mudwanker cocktail uz med uvrybudies loif buttur.” The assembled squats all agree, although contestants who have met a squat under the influence might see things in a different light.

Cantankerous Biggs “Thurz Effluvia Bird oo dud summut ur uver, und thurz thu winner. . .Chlamydia Skronky fur er skulls ut brewin thu booz thut iz su vital tu Squat Hole.” There is more applause as Chlamydia climbs up to accept the prize.

Chlamydia Skronky feigns surprise at the award. “Wot me? Wull oi nuvur! Thunk yu thunk yu! Wot un onur! Uh prustigius Skronky prize! Fur me! Gis thut vuchur!” This last to Biggs who was hoping to keep the prize voucher for himself.

Chlamydia Skronky's prize is a voucher for a free kebab at K&S (with normal terms and conditions - offer open on the fifth Tuesday of every other month, between 4:00am and 4:05 am, to be redeemed as part of any order totaling over 10,000 req, etc. etc.)

Chlamydia Skronky climbs down with her prize, the first ever recipient of a Skronky Prize! A prestigious Skronky prize! Now it's back to Cantankerous again.

Cantankerous Biggs “Nuxt we av thu Prustugius Skronky Prize fur mudicin. Nu Squt'ole uz wull known fur utz cluvur ducturz. . .” viewers of the show at home scratch their heads trying to think of one. ”. . .und squuts ur wull nown uz anguls uv mercy. . .“ Really? By who?

Cantankerous Biggs “Su thur wuz lutz to chuz frum. We nurruwed it dun tu free agin. Dudgeon Smith oo cum up wiv cure fur thu culd uv beatin thu patient wiv uh busbull but tul thuy stup complainin.”

Cantankerous Biggs “Thun thurz Bilious Jones oo cum up wiv idea uv cure fur unythung uv stickin patient ead furst un thu Skronky Pot for uh furtnoit. But thu wunner iz. . . Chlamydia Skronky! Fur er fine range uv booz, gurunteed tu cure unythung ut all.”

Chlamydia Skronky climbs up onto the bar again. “Uh sucund prize? Fur me? Ow uboot thut! Unuver Prustugius Skronky Prize. . .wot un onur. . .dunt uvun thunk uv oldin untu thut vuchur! Ooz nuxt thun, wotz thu nuxt prize?”

Cantankerous Biggs “Thu nuxt prize uz thu Prustugius Skronky prize fur luturature, wotuvur thu fack thut iz.” Cyril Two-Heads, the Skronkys mutant used for reading and writing, perks up and starts paying attention. He still craves recognition for his Magnum Opus.

Cantankerous Biggs might be awarding him the prize! Finally the 258 page epic “Why Doth The Pope Hate Me Like Martin Luther, Charles Darwin and Karl Marx rolled into one?” would get the attention it deserves. Desperation has made a naive fool of Cyril. He should have realised.

Cantankerous Biggs is never going to be handing out a prize in his direction. This should be obvious to anybody, even if they weren't listening to Big Su's opening speech, which he wasn't.

Cantankerous Biggs “Agun. Free pupul tu chuz frum. Cesspit Williams fur sum shite ur uver, Skurvy Seaman fir is limerick wur sum uv thu wurds even rhyme, und thu wunnur. . .” Cyril Two-Heads holds his breath with all his noses.

Cantankerous Biggs ”. . .Chlamydia Skronky!“ Cyril is bitterly disappointed. “Fur thu Drive nows wot.”

Chlamydia Skronky is already up on the bar. “Wot thu fack du yer mean? 'Drive nows wot'? Uv writ thu proices uv beer up thur aint I? Thutz writin innit? Wot tha fack mur du yu wunt yu cheeky barstud! Gis thut vuchur ere, nu. Wotz thu lust prize thun?”

Big Su Skronky is a suspicious, cynical Midget. She's noticed a pattern emerging amongst all the prize winners tonight, and her suspicions have been aroused. She's been hoping for the Skronky Peace prize herself, and is watching closely who the winner might be.

Cantankerous Biggs “Und nu we cum tu thu lust prize, thu ighly Prustigius Skronky Peace prize. Fack that shite aboot thum loozerz wot dudunt wun, the wunner uv thu Skronky Peace prize iz. . .Chlamydia Skronky!!”

Chlamydia Skronky, head of the panel of judges, and by some strange quirk of coincidence the winner of all the prizes, is back on the bar again, acceptance speech at the ready. “Anuver prize fur. . .” but she gets no further.

Sewage Skronky comes storming up. “Oo thu fack gave yu thu fackin Peace prize? Wot thu fack uv yu uvur dun thut yu gut uh Peace Prize? Thut prize belungz tu me!”

Chlamydia Skronky begs to differ. “Wot tha fack yu un aboot? Oo surtz oot ul the foits un ere loik? Oo kickz um oot in thu street? I dunt see yu cumin tu giz uh und doin thut!”

Big Su Skronky “Why yu cheeky facker yu! Curz thu Peace prize iz fur me! Um the must peace luvin perzun un thu Island!” and she gives Chlamydia a peace loving slap round the knees.

Chlamydia Skronky falls off the bar but is back on her feet again straight away with the practiced ease of someone who has spent most of their working life navigating a bar between fights. THWACK. She delivers a pacific punch on the nose to Sewage.

Chlamydia and Big Su Skronky set to in a most peaceable way. BAM. A positively irenic left hook to the ear. THUD. A knee to the groin worthy of Mahatma Ghandi. BIFF. A sucker punch to the kidneys that would make Nelson Mandela proud.

Chlamydia and Big Su Skronky keep up the good work for some time, leaving nobody in any doubt as to the contributions that the Skronkys have made to world peace.

For more stories of life in Squat Hole see here.