The Old Improbable Island Wiki

It's a warm sunny day, and what a day it is too, for today is the day of that famous sporting treat, the Squat Hole Rules Football Cup Final! Yes, today the Brawlin Street Brawlers and Shopliftin Ave Shoppers slug it out for the Skronky SRF Cup!

Viewers at home are saved from finding out what the team from Other Shite Road have called themselves, and instead can content themselves with watching the two teams clear central Squat Hole of bins, hungover squats and the like.

Older squats try to instil a sense of pride in the younger outpost inhabitants by pointing out that there are no referees. Who needs them when squats are playing? “Unest uz uh squat uz thu sayin guz,” unaware that this is not a saying that is used anywhere outside of SH.

Cantankerous Biggs leads the Brawlers onto the pitch. He makes a good centre forward as he has had plenty of practice kicking. It's true that most of this practice consisted of kicking not footballs so much as the balls of other squats in fights, but that's fine.

Cantankerous Biggs' area of expertise is probably of more practical use in this game anyway.

Cantankerous Biggs is holding the honour of Squat Hole in his hands today. As older squats continue to inform their youngers, no team from any other outpost ever makes it to the final. They neglect to mention that no other team is daft enough to enter the competition in the first place.

Cantankerous Biggs and the other players line up on the now more or less clear pitch and the game starts. The teams all follow that tried and tested squat strategy, Everybody Chase The Ball, and there is a scrum in the middle of the pitch.

Cantankerous Biggs is getting in some good solid kicking in the middle of the scrum, when there is a cry! Smegma Bailey has had his pint spilt when someone's cigarette poked him in the eye, and he's not happy about it.

Cantankerous Biggs makes it away with the ball. Despite what some of its detracters say, Squat Hole rules football is not just a game of violence and brute force, there's skill in it as well. You have to remember that its the ball that you're meant to be chasing.

Cantankerous Biggs has broken away, chased by some squats and leaving a knot of others fighting away. He makes good progress, but there is a challenge, he is tackled by Dudgeon Smith with a baseball bat. Hard, but fair.

Cantankerous Biggs gets up off the floor and gives chase, but he is beaten to it by Asbo Riley who has forgotten that he is on the same side as Dudgeon. Another instance where skill and intelligence are vital in the game.

Cantankerous Biggs is catching up, but has to stop for a moment to light a new cig. By now the rest of the players are also catching up. There is a new scrum forming on the pitch. This time Squallor Davis gets the ball for the Brawlers.

Cantankerous Biggs is left behind in the fight, not realising that the ball has gone and is halfway to the Shoppers goal. Squallor gets no futher. Skurvy Seaman,the Shoppers goal keeper,has come out and met him. A quick punch up later and Skurvy has kicked the ball away, before returning his attention to Squallor.

Cantankerous Biggs sees the ball go to Foetid Robson for the Shoppers. Then to Pustule Brown for the Brawlers. Pustule manages to kick it down towards Biggs who has caught up with what is happening. But he has to face Skurvy still.

Cantankerous Biggs is jumped on and wrestled to the ground by Skurvy, but he still has a trick up his sleave. A secret new tactic that he's been practicing. “Cluvur uz uh squat” is another saying that gets little use outside of Squat Hole.

Professor Hairless has climbed up onto the roof of Booz to watch the match. Since the sun is out and a light wind is carrying most of the usual - atmosphere - away from his perch, it is a fine place to spectate from.

Cantankerous Biggs has named his new tactic the “Whoomph grunud dun thu truzerz trick”, as a mnemonic. Skurvy combusts, but keeps hold of the ball.

Cantankerous Biggs' ploy has given the rest of the players time to catch up and they all descend on Skurvy, who is buried under a pile of squats. The flames catch hold, ably assisted by the pints of Wanker that most players are carrying. There is soon a bonfire going.

Professor Hairless is used to seeing squats smoke, but usually the smoke comes out - umm -higher on the squat.

Cantankerous Biggs is roundly cursed by Skurvy. “Yu fackin bastud wunker uv a squat!” This is a saying that is in fact used quite widely outside of Squat Hole.

The match is regretfully abandoned due to teams on fire. It will be replayed again. And again, and again, until there is a clear winner, or more likely, until the squats forget about the whole thing.

More scenes from the life of Squat Hole can be found here.