Squat Hole Town Square - Just Outside of Sewage “Big Su” Skronkys Office

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky has been thinking. The Olympics. Held in London, Beijing, Athens, many of the great cities of the world. But never Squat Hole. Why not? As The greatest metropolis in the world, Squat Hole would be a natural choice. Yet there's never been the Squat Hole Olympics yet.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky has several theories on the subject. It could be that the IOC are too shy to come and ask. It could be the ever present sabotage by the Jokers, jealous of Squat Hole's greatness. It could be jealousy on the part of other cities. There are numerous reason

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky makes a decision. What is needed is a proper promotional video. This will show the shy that Squat Hole is ready to graciously allow the Olympics to be held here, or on the other hand,

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky's video will show Squat Hole's greatness to such good effect that even the most jealous of competitors will have to keep quiet. Having made her decision, Su strides off to find Maggot Braithwait, Squat Hole's leading artistic talent.

Time Passes

A technician on the failboat, monitoring the cameras for the feed of As The Island Turns to the waiting world outside, notices a view of Squat Hole suddenly jerk down. A view from another camera shows Maggot Braithwait taking the first, and pointing it at Big Su.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky comes into view on the camera screen, vaguely in focus. “Ullo wuld! Thus uz Sewage Skronky tukin tu yu frum Squat Hole. Wulcum tu ur fur ci'ee, a ci'ee fut fur thu Ulumpucs!” The technician is fascinated. A bid to host the Olympics!

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky's Olympic bid starts with a brief piece about Squat Hole's “Proud industrial heritage.” “Squthul uz uv curs fumus fur itz smoke production, un ere we uv thu fumus Skronky Pot, at the heart of Squt Hul's industry.”

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky concentration on cigarette production can surely only help any bid to host a sporting event. What sporting organisation wouldn't want to be associated with such a prestigious enterprise?

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky finishes extolling such a worthy industry and moves on to the facilities to hold world class athletics events. The camera follows her walking round to a large patch of what might charitably be described as mud “Thus wud muk un ideal site fur…”

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky has to consult an assistant, Mildew, taking time off from running the Pot. “Wut spurts du thuy du in thu ulumpucs?” “Um, dunno. Dunt thuy du swummin ur summat?” “Duthuy?”

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky looks round, even she can't stretch to claim that swimming is ever going to be plausible here. That will have to be done in the lake instead. “Du thuy du unythung ulse?” “Er…runnin? Chuckin thungs?” That sounds better.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky “Runnin! Yus! Thus uz uh great place fur running abut in. Oo cud usk fur butter? Und chuckin fins in. Luk ut thut!” As luck would have it Asbo Riley and Squallor Davis are pelting each other with mud pies at the time of shooting.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky is pleased with this well timed demonstration of Squat prowess in sporting activities. “Wud win sum gold medals fur chuckin fungs ut each uver! Thutz fur sure!” Time to move on to some of Squat Hole's other facilities.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky “Ufter uh hurd dayz chuckin fings ut each uver uthletes ned tu et gud fud. Und wev gut thu bust fud uv unywur!” The camera suddnly swings round to show Kebabs and Shite. “Thuy'll ul be tuckin intu a gud susage fest pizza!”

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky “Ur mebbe, uz thur spucial sporty types, thull be avin uh Fookin' Special Posh Healthy Shite Innit? Cos thur Special Posh Healthy Shites thumsulfs!” She laughs at her own joke.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky “Ere! Wotz guin un? Why izzunt yu pointin thu cumeru ut me?” Maggot Braithwait's voice can be heard. “Oi duddunt thunk thut weed wunt thut un thu video!”

The camera swings round to show Ratpiss Jenkins losing his somewhat unwise bet that he can eat twenty Scroteweed Surprises without throwing up.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky admires Maggot's artistic acumen. Now she thinks of it, some of the pretentious posh shites who this video is aimed at might use this against Squat Hole. They'll grasp at any straw in their bitter jealousy.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky “Und uftur thut, a frundly drunk und luck rund ur famous nightlife.” Booz is displayed in all its glory. Scumbelly Perkins comes out of the pub, head first through the window. “Und ere we uv wun uv thu locals pructicin thur gymnastics.”

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky's video finishes with a display of just one of Squat Hole's many cultural highlights. Verruca Lynn and the Squat Massage Choir singing There'll Always be a Squat Hole, accompanied by Outhouse O'Rilley on the Farthorn.

Maggot Braithwait lets herself go with special artistic effects as the choir sings. No static shot of the choir singing here! The camera zooms in on Verruca's singing, then another close up of Outhouse's arse wafting gently as he plays.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky watches approvingly as Maggot films. True Squat artistic talent is being shown at its best. The watching technician's appreciation is not recorded. It can only be assume that he is overcome by the sheer brilliance of Squat Hole's bid for the Olympics.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky is disappointed. The envisaged stampede of IOC committee members desperate to host the Olympics in Squat Hole has failed to materialise. Su is a reasonable Squat, she knows that these things take time. But it's been over three days!

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky knows perfectly well what must have happened. The Squat Hole bid for the Olympics has been sabotaged by the sort of petty minded jealous rivals that Squats in general and the Skronkys in particular have to put up with.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky suspects the Jokers. Everybody knows that they've always been envious of Squat Hole. Who wouldn't be? It would be just like them to try to block Squat Hole's rightful place as an Olympic venue.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky knows that the McThuggers, rival Squat gang and the Skronkys arch enemies, are also possible saboteurs. There are many candidates to consider. But now is not the time to consider this.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky must not let such bitter attacks get her down. She must rise above it. If the Olympics aren't coming to Squat Hole, then Squat Hole must make its own Olympics!

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky stomps off to organise. Such a large event will take some organisation and it might be as long as tomorrow before they start.

Time Passes

A procession marches its way into Squat Hole - its the opening ceremony for the Squat Hole Olympics. A spectacle to excite even the most jaded of palettes. At the front is Squat Hole's most famous, most prestigious resident - Big Su Skronky.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky is followed by Team Awesome showing of their rainbow hue'd acrobatics. Squat Hole's culture at its finest. Then come the teams. Leading the way is Team Skronky - made up of the rest of the family. Next comes Team Booz.

Chlamydia Skronky has carefully assembled a team of the least athletic regulars to provide as little competition to her own family as possible. After Team Booz comes the Team Assorted Trades Squats, consisting of workers from K'N'S, the Skronky Pot and Mike's Chop Shop.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky leads the procession round Squat Hole town square. The games should start now, but Su decides that a speech is called for. “Ahem. Oim prud tu wulcum uvrywun tu thus ustoruc uccasion - thu furst uvur Squat Hole Olympic Games!”

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky feels that that is enough, and now the games can start. One of the first off is the hacking contests - both distance and target are competed for. Mildew Skronky, manager of the Pot and expert hacker goes first.

Mildew Skronky gargles her throat to get the necessary lung butter, producing a sound not dissimilar to warthogs rutting. She hacks and…eight feet! That's a good distance! A tough target for the competition to aim for.

Mildew Skronky steps back as Foetid Robson takes a turn for Team Booz. The gargle, which connoisseurs claim sounds more like the snoring of an asthmatic rhinoceros, and the hack! It's good - but not good enough. Seven feet.

Mildew Skronky is satisfied that she's still in the lead. Now it's Mumpsimus Blenkinsop for team ATS. This time the gargle is like a distant herd of bison with an undernote of politicians arguing expense accounts. It looks like it's going to be a good one.

Mildew Skronky has an advantage. Mumpsimus works in the Skronky Pot and doesn't want to piss off his boss. She fixes him with a stare. Mumpsimus has a sudden attack of nerves and it shows. His hack goes a mere two feet, a very poor showing.

Mildew Skronky has won the first medal! One up for the Skronkys! She proudly takes a stand as she is awarded the medal.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky tries to make another speech but luckily it is drowned out by the sound of various grenades going off in the football games (Squat Hole rules) which are being held concurrently in a nearby field.

The day wears on with many events being held. The Skronkys sporting prowess is plain to see as they win medal after medal, often in events that they haven't even entered. Eventually it's time for the final race. The exciting mud sledging race.

Sadly, as the race is limbering up to start, the heavens open and rain pours down in a good proper storm. This race will have to be run tomorrow instead.

The Next Day

Cantankerous Biggs is out for the prestigous mud sledging olympic event. The storm is over, leaving the ground nice and muddy. Ideal conditions. As one of the original inventors of the sport, Biggs feels himself to be particularly important.

Mud sledging involves finding an unconscious Squat, fitting as many other Squats on top of them as will fit, and then riding them down the hill as fast as possible. Other Shite Road provides a fine natural course for this.

Cantankerous Biggs' original version used the Squats passed out from drink lying outside Booz, conveniently situated at the top of Other Shite Road, nowadays however, sledges are carefully selected on the basis of size and old grudges.

Cantankerous Biggs and other conniseurs still claim that ideally a sledge must be unconscious, to avoid wriggling and attempted escapes - generally considered undesirable amongst the athletes.

Cantankerous Biggs has pioneered the replacement of alcohol with the application of a blunt object to the back of the head. This is generally considered a superior technique due to cheapness.

Cantankerous Biggs is racing for the Booz crew today. He, Scumbelly Perkins and Ratspiss Jenkins have selected for their sledge Cesspit Williams. The ATS team have also arrived and are ready.

Skronky Pot worker Mumpsimous Blenkinsop, head chef at K'N'S Sarky Williams and Microcephalus James from the chop shop have chosen for their sledge Testicles O'Brian.That leaves one other team to take the field, and here they come.

The Skronky team. Headed by Buckfast Skronky, together with Dogend and Danny, they have chosen Ratspiss Jenkins for their sledge! Booz are already a man down! This sly move by the Skronkys means that the sudden addition of Mildew to the team gives them a big edge!

The Skronkys and the other teams all line up at the top of Other Shite Road for the off. The Skronkys are off the marks first! They go piling down the road, closely followed by team Booz. The ATS get off to a slow start but they are soon heading down as well.

Danny Skronky is doing a good job of trying to slow down the competition by pelting them with mud balls mixed in with anything else that he can pick up on the way through, many miss, but some hit.

Cantankerous Biggs has a secret weapon! Grabbing hold of Cesspit's ears, he uses them to steer the comatose Squat. Biggs uses this advantage to select the deepest and muddiest puddles to sldge through, giving them an edge on speed, and sending up huge plumes of mud.

Cantankerous Biggs and the Booz crew leave a distinctive furrow caused by Cesspit's rather protruberant nose - one of the reasons that he was picked, and he is doin…Oh no! Team ATS have hit a rock and are now spinning out of control! The crowd roars its approval!

Cantankerous Biggs is crashed into by ATS and everything is a whirling mess of mud and Squats still sliding down the hill. This gives the Skronkys, out in front a very good chance of winning, but then they too have a mishap.

The Skronky's sledge starts to come to. Dogend clearly didn't clobber Ratspiss hard enough, very bad form there. The mistake shows. Ratspiss, waking up finding himself careering face down through large puddles of mud starts to struggle.

The Skronkys start to lose control and the spinning sprawling mess which is the combined ATM and Booz teams catches up and absorbs them. Now there is just a crowd of fighting Squats rolling down the hill. Some Squats from the sidelines are drawn in as well.

Sewage “Big Su” Skronky, as the judge, has to decide who crosses the line first. Given her entirely unbiased and close up view from the top of the hill, she can say with doubt that it was the Skronkys. Well how about that? The Skronkys have won every medal in every event!

The Skronky tribe are clearly some very special top rate athletes.

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