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Impudencia Skronky strides through Squat Hole town square on her way to work at K'n'S. She has something on her mind. A little while ago, her mother Julia was put in charge of devising a new one way system for the Hole.¹⁾

Julia Skronky's Squat Massage subsequently did roaring trade as squats were (and still occasionally are when Julia thinks of it) all forcibly led directly into the parlour from all over the Hole.

Impudencia Skronky feels that something like that at Kebab's 'N' Shite, something that would get the squats packing into K'n'S, would really help her cement her position in the Skronky heirarchy. Show them that she's a better business squat than that upstart Chlymidia at Booz.

Impudencia Skronky suddenly bumps into Cecil Two-heads, the Skronky's hired mutant who they use for reading, writing and other such duties. He is reading, with one of his heads, a Guinness Book of Records which has appeared improbably on the Island.

Impudencia Skronky listens as Cecil explains what a record is with another of his three heads, and is struck with inspiration. This is the way she can get squats into K'n'S! An attempt at the world record for Most Squats in a High-Quality Restaurant!

Impudencia Skronky changes direction and goes off to find members of the Skronky Pot Protector Society to act as “volunteers”.

Time Passes

Thuggins Skronky arrives 'leading' a small group of SPPS members herding a group of volunteers for the world record attempt. 'Lead' is a somewhat flexible term. Unbeknownst to the squats, Thuggins already holds the world record for Least Intelligent Being Still Capable of Speech.

Thuggins Skronky is striding along, feeling mean, hitting random objects and getting occasionally guided in the right direction when he goes too far astray.

Thuggins Skronky, once the gang get to K'n'S, tries to help herd the 'volunteers' into the shop, but only succeeds in getting trapped in there himself. More 'volunteers' are arriving inside as other gangs of SPPS members arrive. Some stay and ensure that the squats inside.

Cantankerous Biggs is being rammed in the door, and Scumbelly Perkins, unwitting holder of the world record for Worst Ever Excuse Given When Caught with Fingers in the Till (“Oi wuz tukin meh put spuder fer wulk”) is being shoved through the window.

Impudencia Skronky is pleased with all the 'custom' that is being generated, she'll charge them for the meals she decides that they've had on the way out. Inside, Sarky Williams the cook would be a good deal more comfortable had Impudencia thought to warn him to turn the cooker off before she started this.

Nettle Skronky is there to do the counting. “…eighty nine, er, ninety one, ninety two, ninety five…”. Inside, Turpitude Carmichael, unaware of his title to the world record for Most Kebab's Stuck up Arse in an Unsuccessful Attempt to Thieve from a Food Outlet, is being squashed in on top of the squats already there, with his boots in Smegma Bailey's mouth and left ear, and his own nose pressed firmly into Asbo Riley's armpit.

Impudencia Skronky finally crams in as many squats as she possibly can into the kebab house and steps back; so intent on her task has she been that she has even forgotten to charge the squats for any food that they may have eaten while in there.

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs has certainly had no chance to eat food. He's crammed in with his right ear in someone's armpit, his left foot out of the window, and his crotch rammed into someone else's nose.

Impudencia Skronky surveys the scene. “Ow muny thun?” she asks. Nettle tots up and makes up a number at random. “Wun thusund, three undra und suvun.”

Impudencia Skronky is pleased. That sounds like a lot, surely a world record. That's going to make Sewage happy, she always likes things that sound like they're going to make Squat Hole look good. As well as all the extra customers in the shop.

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs is still wedged upsidedown inside the kebab house. His wallet starts slipping out of his pocket. “AgghhNNUUU!!! Cum buck!” he desperately starts to struggle, trying to grab it. It is held in by a chain, of course, but still…

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs' wallet is seen by other squats as well. They also start to try to grab it. There is more and more struggling, elbows are banging eyes and ears are being kicked. Tempers are rapidly rising, as is req lust. The inevitable happens.

Squat Hole breaks several new records - Riot in the Most Confined Space, Most Squats Fighting in a Deep Fat Fryer, and Most Crap Meat Shoved in Orifices That Weren't Intended for the Reception of Crap Meat.

See here for more tales from the hole