Mighty Magpie Cards

This is a list of all 72 cards in the Mighty Magpie deck – you know, the one with all those gorgeously illustrated Island scenes.

SPOILER WARNING: Some of these items and events are only available further on in the game. If you're new and don't want spoilers, stop reading now!

(If you have 2,000 or more supporter points, you can pick a random card from this deck in Island chat. Enter the commentary command /roll 72 and then look the number up on this page to see which card you got!)

#	Rank	Card Name	Card Description
1	2 Clubs	Spork	You sing: So the Watcher told the people, “Don your panties! Grab your Sporks!” Sent them off into the jungle slaying lobsters, whales, and orcs. “Kill the monsters in the Jungle, it's the only way, you see, We can ever hope to win, against Improbabiliteee.” YESSS! I BEAT A LION! Go, me! All power to the mighty Spork!
2	3 Clubs	Sock full of Marbles	Beat monsters away with a stout woolen sock and a medley of mismatched marbles! Could even be a few steel ball bearings in there, too. The classic weapon of hooligans everywhere. Or pour them out to admire your treasures in the sunlight. Look at them shine so prettily!
3	4 Clubs	Stick with Nail	Three-foot long stick with a nail stuck in the end. The nail-head has been clipped off and the resulting spike sharpened on a rock. There's only one nail, but it's iron, and pointy. It lets you stand back to poke your enemy for once, instead of having to get up close. Also works as a club.
4	5 Clubs	Chainsaw	Invisisuit, check. Chainsaw, check. Petrol to last all day… check. “Right then. Who'd have thought? I have a chainsaw and I – I know how to use it! Monsters look out, here I come. It's bloody payback time.”
5	6 Clubs	Evil Ventriloquist's Dummy	Creepy bloody thing. Not only frightening, but confusing too – is your foe lunging at you, or at the creepy dummy with a knife in its hand? Aah, scary… Note: The dummy gets an extra turn. Because it watches you at night.
6	7 Clubs	Plasma Gun	Flashy high-tech weaponry including gas tanks, battery and compressor. Hurls balls of white-hot gas at your opponent. Hilariously inaccurate, but that doesn't really matter – if you're plastering the landscape with flame, some of it is gonna hit the target.
7	8 Clubs	Chainsaw Chuks	Lethal to ALL PARTIES. For serious nutters only. Wielding these dual chainsaws tied together with a bungee cord will almost certainly damage you as much as your enemy.
8	9 Clubs	Cat Launcher	The Cat Launcher resembles a series of washing machines with an enormous gun barrel on the end. Cats are fed in through the back of the machine, running through the spinners before exiting at high velocity via the barrel. The spinners have been specially calibrated to ensure that the cats are at their angriest when they reach the enemy, causing maximum chaos.
9	10 Clubs	Elephant Gun	A red plastic ball the size of a sunflower seed pops out of your Elephant Gun and attaches itself to your foe, who soon notices that its shadow is becoming larger and the little red ball is beeping. Uh-oh. It looks up towards the sky just in time to get a great view of the undercarriage of a large elephant right before it slams down.
10	J Clubs	Crazy Audrey	After a few minutes, you once again approach in order to look into her baskets. As you get closer, Crazy Audrey looks up and screams at you. “Hey! I recognize you! You've already played with my kittens today! Get away from here, you pervy kitten fancier!” You quickly step back and admire the kittens from a safe distance.
11	Q Clubs	Sheila	“…so I sent the screws off to 'er in Pleasantville, see if she could find a match for 'em… An' the wooden pieces, right, me sister Sheila was always the woodworker in our family, so they've gone back to her in NewHome for refinishin'…” “Wait–all the other Sheilas are your sisters?” “Why did you think we all looked the same? You think I just follow you around the whole Island, setting up shop wherever you happen to be?”
12	K Clubs	Cuthbert	Cuthbert hands you a heavy wooden axe handle. “Attack me with that.” He grins. “Don't be shy, now.” You bring it down in a crushing arc, but his head isn't there. “FUCKWIT!” roars the broad-mouthed three-eyed Mutant. “I've seen MOLD–” the tip of the axe handle sails harmlessly past his stomach– “…swing an axe handle better than that!”
13	A Clubs	Fists	Fists are highly accurate double-wielded melee weapons. Always ready! You can never lose them! Best of all, they're free! Use them to fight off many dangerous monsters–Hikers, Professional Romance Writers, Plastic Shopping Bags, those sneaky-bastard Lions, and even cranky Little Old Ladies!
14	I Clubs	Improbability Bomb	Be careful with these. Their effects are unpredictable. If you use one in combat, it could make you wealthier, more attractive – or dead. Or, of course, it just might help you win the fight. Especially if it uncurls into one of those bitey little Purple Monsters!
	~~~/@v@\~~~
15	2 Spades	Frilly Pink Panties	Sheila notices. “You can tell a lot about a bloke by how he handles his knickers.” She grins. “Like this guy. All sweaty, bandolier an' backpack, an' his standard-issue knickers on. Only his are different–faded, stained with grass and blood, ripped up a bit. And he made those kickers his, y'know? He owned those knockers. They couldn't embarrass him any more than they could embarrass a tiger.”
16	3 Spades	Canvas Overalls	Now here's a rag could tell a tale or two. These overalls are so far past worn out only the stubborn stains are holding them together. Even so, they're arguably better than a bare ass or frilly pink panties. After all, the stench alone has got to be keeping some monsters away.
17	4 Spades	Leather Trenchcoat	The flowiness of this trenchcoat makes it hard for an enemy to see where your arms and legs are with any degree of accuracy. Also, any direct hits will be cushioned somewhat by the thick, heavy leather. Also also, it makes you look cool.
18	5 Spades	Assault Suit	Originally, the Assault Suit was supposed to be standard issue for troops fighting Improbability. But having well-armoured troops doesn't make for good television, so I'm afraid you're going to have to cough up some money.
19	6 Spades	Invisisuit	A suit that changes colour and texture to match its surroundings. Rather impressive, and makes you very hard to hit. No… honestly, you don't look much like the Predator. You've fewer spikes, you don't get a snarling mask. But it helps. Illustrated: Hawton's Ivy. Monster may not be exactly as shown.
20	7 Spades	SA-SPS-2	SA-SPS-2 Combat Armour: Servo-Boosted Sealed Power Suit. Weighs about half a ton, but the servo assistance makes it feel light as a feather. Completely sealed, impervious to just about everything, and gives you the strength of a hundred men. Built-in massage function.
21	8 Spades	Yankee Bacon Suit	Like the Bacon Suit, but BLOODY DISGUSTING. While we limey hobbits enjoy a crispy meaty strip of goodness with a little bit of fat on the edge, American bacon is a lardy lump of gristle with a tiny bit of meat on the edge, pretty well the exact opposite of what bacon should be. Monsters seeing this suit will be extremely afraid of touching you.
22	9 Spades	Force Generator	As Sheila always says, this armour throws up a literal field of force about you. It is 'practically impervious' until the battery runs out. Practically is not entirely. When a monster scores a rare hit, you'd better be able to handle a lot of damage. Still, it's great value for the req. Many veterans swear by it.
23	10 Spades	Lightning Suit	Charge out into the jungle, dressed to kill. Power dressing is the only way to go. With this suit you're truly fired up and ready to rumble! Sheila says, “It's fully tested and guaranteed 100% almost totally safe.” Strike monsters down in a flash! Spark a whole revolution in fashion!
24	J Spades	Vivaan	The Rook's Nest Pub started life as a large olive-green tent smelling of hops and gunpowder. It's rather more than that, now… The bartender, a thin Indian man by the name of Vivaan with some truly wicked sideburns, dispenses beer and wine at the bar on the South wall of the tent. “Yes, mate?” says Vivaan. “What can I get you?”
25	Q Spades	Maiko	Maiko looks in your direction, and gives you a smile as she puts down the bolt pistol and picks up a pair of razor-sharp knives. “A new recruit! I'll bring you up to speed real quick. Today we're learning how to cook Bewilderbeest steaks. From scratch! Come in, sit down, the first lesson's free!”
26	K Spades	Corporal Punishment	A uniformed, medallion-festooned, barrel-chested brute of a man greets you. His moustache is broad enough to have its own postcode. “RAAAAAIIIIGHT THEN!” he bellows. “The first exercise we're going to perform today is a role-playing exercise!” You seriously consider fleeing into the Jungle.
27	A Spades	Monster Repellent	The jungle misses you! Get back out there with Monster Repellent Spray from eBoy. Strong long-lasting protection frees you to reunite with the great outdoors! Apply it to your skin and clothes to keep monsters away all day, or use it in a fight like pepper spray. Monsters hate it. You will love it. Monster Repellent Spray. It really works!
28	I Spades	Stonehenge	As you step into the center, the sky turns to a black starry night. The ground on which you stand glows with a faint purple light, almost as if the ground itself were turning to mist. You start to feel a tingling through your whole body. Suddenly a bright, intense light envelops the circle, and you with it. When the light clears…
	~~~/@v@\~~~
29	2 Hearts	Ration Pack	You tear open the foil packaging and look inside. After a few moments' contemplation, you let out a heartbroken sigh. The material inside has been designed to withstand being thrown out of a plane, bounced down a mountain, encased in snow and ice, left out in the sun and/or buried in a swamp for up to three years. You suck thoughtfully on one corner. It beats starving. Just.
30	3 Hearts	Julia's Squat Squeezes	As you walk into a large house hidden behind a thick wall of nettles, you are greeted by Julia, a squat of above-average beauty, clean-shaven and close to almost being attractive. Behind her, several of her, ah… employees pose alluringly. “Yarright there chuck?” she asks. “If yer wanna shag, it's only 2 ciggies.”
31	4 Hearts	Builders Brew	When your dream home can't wait, why not have a Builders Brew? Make the most out of of your day with a steaming cup of Original Builders Brew! Makes logging a breeze! Stones seem like butter! Carpentry is a hell of a lot easier! Decorating is trivial! The Strength Of Ten Men In Every Cup! Get yours today!
32	5 Hearts	Cake or Death	A man sits behind a shiny wooden table reading the Improbable Island Enquirer. “Cake or Death!” he calls over to you. “Ninety-nine percent chance of Cake!” It's not often that an immaculately-dressed gentleman with glowing green eyes offers you a 99% chance of cake. Will you take it?
33	6 Hearts	Cookie	Ahh… the sugary treat that keeps contestants moving. The smell and taste of it, the crunch and crumble… there is absolutely nothing to find fault with in this cookie: a perfect balance of sweetness, luck, and chocolate chips. What contestants say: “I am addicted to these. A delicious energy boost, and not even filling! I could eat them all day. So hard to stop reaching for just one more!” “I would walk across hot coals for these cookies!” (Available in Singles, 20-packs, 50-packs, and the Brand New 100-pack Clan Size!)
34	7 Hearts	Monster Mash	It's… honestly, it's awful. It tastes like a mix of chicken and beef fat, raw eggs, and blood. Lots of blood. You'll feel sick and grumpy, ready to rip those monsters' heads off! And! You get a paper umbrella!
35	8 Hearts	Health Insurance	“RAFAEL!” The top drawer of the mechanic's filing cabinet rattles open. A nose peeks out, followed by a pair of bespectacled eyes and an oily black haircut. The lawyer oozes out of the filing cabinet, sniffs the certificate, then cautiously nibbles on a corner. “Valid for… oh, no. Oh, dear.” He looks toward the mechanic, eyes filling with tears. “It's airtight! We can't get out of it!”
36	9 Hearts	Wedding Chapel	“There's someone special in your life? Well, I was a minister before I came here. I can conduct marriages. But it's not much of an engagement without a ring.” Kate shows you a truly stunning ring. “Look at the size of that diamond! For you, only 100,000 Requisition!” She smiles at you. “Engagement rings aren't supposed to be cheap, you know.”
37	10 Hearts	HyperRing	This ring straddles a further dimension of physical space, as well as the same point in space four months ago and one month into the future as it does at the present time. This makes it impossible to wear unless you want to lose fingers in amusing wa– Oh, wait. He's a Joker. Never mind.
38	J Hearts	Rohit	“We are a part of this world.” The Robot does not raise its voice, because Robots don't do that. “Nobody understands us and we don't expect them to, but by revising ourselves we may begin to understand your kind. If at least one of us understands the other then maybe there is hope.” The Robot does not clench its fist. “It is time for change.”
39	Q Hearts	The Watcher	The gates open, and a woman walks out. Blonde hair tied back in a bun, combined with her clear disdain for your presence, give her a rather severe appearance. She leans over you, stares at you a moment, and sighs. Her first words to you come in a Southern British accent. “I don't really have time for this, you know.”
40	K Hearts	Havelock Stern	“Mister Havelock Stern, Stern by name but not by nature, pleased to make your acquaintance.” You get the impression that he says this every time he meets someone – and that when he said he was pleased to meet you, he actually meant it.
41	A Hearts	Chronosphere	“Hey, what IS that?” “It's a Chronosphere. It's saved time.” “It IS! Can I have it can I have it.” Puppy-dog eyes. “Pleeeeeeease. Please. Please. It will be AWESOME.”
42	I Hearts	The Fly Catcher	A fly buzzes around an older, peaceful-looking Zombie sitting at a table. She follows it with her eyes for a moment, then gently, smoothly, closes her fingers. “Nice catch,” you say quietly. The Zombie looks up. “Thanks.” She opens her fingers and the fly buzzes into the air. “Just picking the right moment, is all.” She smiles, rotten teeth showing. “I bet I can show you.”
	~~~/@v@\~~~
43	2 Diamonds	Skronky Pot	Time appears to slow down. You are frozen in horror as the Skronky Pot first wobbles, then tips, then, in awful slow-motion, falls over. Its contents, fouler than anything you'd ever encountered in even your sweatiest, most urine-soaked nightmares, splash liberally over your crotch and thighs. Done retching at last, you lie stinking in the baking sun. This has to be the lowest point in your life. Things could not possibly get worse. Then you hear the sound of laughter…
44	3 Diamonds	Camera	Never blinking, ever watching, these silent sentinels have seen it all. Mounted on trees or ranging the jungle trails, they tirelessly record–and reward–the exploits of the Island's inhabitants. Note: Later models are better armoured. It is no longer advisable to pry them open.
45	4 Diamonds	Gift Station	“Okay, got it. Name, item, wrapping, gift tag.” The black-furred KittyMorph behind the counter nods as he ties a shiny ribbon around your choice of box. “I'm sure they'll be pleased with your present. We'll deliver it first thing in the morning – it'll make for a nice surprise when they wake up.”
46	5 Diamonds	Pub Games	A beer-stained card beside the machine says: 1. Insert 100 Requisition Tokens in hopper above. Surplus tokens will be returned. 2. Turn knob clockwise six full rotations or until click is heard, to wind mainspring– Pfft, who reads instructions? Can't be that complicated. There are only four buttons, after all.
47	6 Diamonds	Dan Quest	Dan polishes a glass, holds it up to the light of the door as another patron opens it to stagger out into the street, then makes a face, spits on the glass and goes back to polishing it. “What d'ya want?” You tell Dan you've finished the quest. “Oh yeah? Let's see your proof!” You spill the head of the Lusty Pterodactyl of Tasteless Jokes onto the bar. “That do?”
48	7 Diamonds	Teleporter	One obligatory blinding flash of light and pain later, you find yourself floating around in empty black nothingness! A flashing light and an annoying BEEPing noise from your device insists that you select a destination, and quickly, before you find yourself stuck here or imploded.
49	8 Diamonds	Crates	Large supply crates with small parachutes attached often drop from the sky. When you find one, go ahead, spend a few minutes to pry it open. They're filled with… well, who knows what? Anything from nicotine gum to teleporters. Bit random, yeah, but it makes for great television.
50	9 Diamonds	Onslaught	Monsters are pouring into the Outpost through jagged, splintered holes in the Outpost defences. You picked one hell of a time to go about your business here. Before you have time to blink, let alone call for backup or medical assistance, a slavering beast bears down upon you! Oh dear…
51	10 Diamonds	Titan	A mighty Titan towers above you. Craning your neck back and straining your eyes you can see tiny white specks on its underbelly. Barnacles, big as your hand. Enormous limpets cling to its feet, each one equipped with poisonous stingers. If this Titan reaches the outpost it's headed for–no more walls!
52	J Diamonds	Jill	You take a sip of the coffee that represents half of Jill's material wealth as of a few minutes ago. “Hey, we'll just split it down the middle,” you say with a grin. Something lights up in Jill. It happens slowly enough for you to see it happening. “Really?” Her smile makes you feel good about yourself.
53	Q Diamonds	Suzie	The small hut smells like fresh sawdust. Behind the counter is a tall redheaded human woman–Suzie, the owner. “What'll it be, then? Another land stake?” “Thanks, but not today. Still decorating, y'see.” “Right, 'ere you go. All sorts o' paint, brushes, thinners, stud finder, nails, tacks, the lot. Yours for the day. No worries, my lads'll bring it back.”
54	K Diamonds	eBoy	The Trading Station rings with shouts of “Buy, buy!” and “Sell, sell!” and “Put down the chainsaw and let's talk about this!” eBoy's arms are a blur. His speech is the unintelligible rapid-fire gabble of a professional auctioneer. His eyes bulge and swivel. You know he's loving this.
55	A Diamonds	Requisition	“REQUISITION tokens are little silver COINS that are dispensed from HOPPERS mounted underneath the CAMERAS that you see EVERYWHERE on the Island. When you defeat a MONSTER, some TOKENS will be EJECTED from the HOPPER. These tokens can be used to procure GOODS and SERVICES. They are an official currency, but SOME merchants will refuse to accept them, opting for CIGARETTES instead.”
56	I Diamonds	Abandoned Factory	Near the Scrapyard in remote Cyber City, occupying a full city block ~~stands~~ once stood an enormous Factory… cold and seemingly empty, although strange noises, flashes of light, and rare billows of smoke still emerge. Rumour ~~hints~~ hinted at more than forty levels (many underground), rife with blind corridors and physical dangers: spikes, swinging blades, pits, floods, crushing hazards, rats, and hostile robots. Good luc–SHOOP!
	~~~/@v@\~~~
57	2 Stars	Garden Gnome Army	Someone sneezes behind you. “Denny!” a voice hisses. “Sorry, tole you I was allergic to roses,” another voice whispers back. You slowly reach for your weapon. “It's going for its weapon!” the gnome in front of you shouts, pointing with its shovel. “Attack!” The gnomes drop their frozen poses and all dive toward you.
58	3 Stars	Bear strapped to the back of Another Bear	…really, you can understand what brought it on. A simple experiment that got out of hand. First you want to do that one where you strap a buttered piece of toast to the back of a cat and see which side hits the ground. Then it's all very logical to go on to lions, and… Fine, maybe if you just release these grizzly bears into the wild no one will ask too many questions.
59	4 Stars	Rice Cooker	When the first appliances of the 2060's were outfitted with Analogue Reasoning Simulation Equipment, you wondered if it really was a good idea to make one's washing machine self-aware. Well, now you know you weren't just paranoid. A little red rice cooker is bouncing towards you, screaming “DIE, DIE, DIE!”
60	5 Stars	Typo GRE<mlin	Yu lukk round. There ez ai thong… a thung… a thing luuking at choo, hnawinf ahn a 'R' ud bin missin. “Um… Ascoose me. Can yew stahp that?” It duz not sey n e think. “No… srsly…” Is it getin wurs? You jave emcountered Typo Gremlin which lunges at you with malicious editng!
61	6 Stars	Moose	Headless dead bodies lying around. Loud recurring cracks sounding out every few minutes. That bullet just missed your own head. A twig snaps, and you roll over. It's a… A moose, with shining metal tags hanging from its antlers, a strap across its back, and a large, 50-calibre sniper rifle. This moose is a sniper. A good one.
62	7 Stars	Monkey Ghostwriter Franchise	Enough monkeys with enough typewriters for enough time… in the normal way of things, probability being what it is, “enough time” would be eons. Here–Improbability being what it is–“enough time” turns out to be more like five minutes. Regrettably, these monkeys aren't churning out the works of Shakespeare.
63	8 Stars	Panthzer	Your hiding place explodes into burning splinters. As you flee, you risk a glance over your shoulder. A tank-sized mass of metal and fur is barreling after you, all black treads on its underbelly. Under two slitted eyes, an 88 mm black gun gapes open. With a bellowing screech it fires its cannon at you again.
64	9 Stars	Dada the Ambulatory Printing Press	Looming over you is a large printing press with cranks and levers and set type. It's moving, printing, printing, printing, printing MORE pamphlets. Folded pieces of paper flutter down, beginning to bury you. A stench of ink pours out. The machine stares you down, its moving mechanisms and gears looking a lot like… breathing.
65	10 Stars	Seventy-Headed Hellhound	This thing is to dogs what a chainsaw is to a butterknife. It's covered in black fur that glistens with sweat, crisscrossed at odd intervals with scars from previous battles. It's so tall you have to crane your neck to see its… head. Head? Scratch that. Heads, plural. That's o– oh, god– what, at least seventy? And all of them are growling at you.
66	J Stars	Top Hat Constellation	The cold night air is lit up with a million stars in improbable alignments. A few of AceHigh's residents are having a stargazing party, pointing out various familiar and unfamiliar forms, taking measurements with strange instruments. For a moment as you look up, the stars appear to take the shape of a top hat.
67	Q Stars	Smoking Spiderkitty Constellation	Though the sun has set, the cool, cloudless sky is lit by a million tiny pinpoints of starlight. A few residents recline on the ground near a strange looking rock, while others point various instruments at the heavens. Looking up, you recognize a grouping of stars that looks like both an insect and a cat at the same time… the Island's very own 'Smoking Spiderkitty'.
68	K Stars	Sneaky Lion Constellation	A NewHome night brings memories… Woodland creatures sit rapt around a raised pedestal, atop which sits a throne, atop which sits a lion, atop which sits a crown. Could it be…? In a pig's eye. It never is. They're not rapt, they're stuffed. It's never that lion–it's just a fucking lion. You glare up at the stars. The sneaky bastard can hide anywhere, even in the sky.
69	A Stars	New Day	You open your eyes to discover that a new day has been bestowed upon you. It is day number 42. You feel refreshed enough to take on the universe! Today's lottery numbers are 1-2-3-4-5 ..That's amazing! The same combinations as my luggage! You strap your Fists to your back and head out for some adventure.
70	I Stars	Mighty Magpie	A shadow falls upon you. With a terrible sense of foreboding, you raise your head. The creature before your eyes terrifies you to the bone. From a huge, black-feathered head emerge the Mighty Magpie's twelve horrifying eyes. Its razor-sharp beak salivates menacingly.
	~~~/@v@\~~~
71	Card of Danger	The Stranger	This card has no text. Gazing at the dark, alien image it holds makes you feel very uneasy. To say the least.
72	Totally Wild Card	The Dancer	This card has no text. It doesn't need any! The Dancer's serene expression amid all those swirling multi-coloured ribbons makes you feel that somehow things are going to turn out all right after all.