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The Case of the Missing Rookie Declan

The Suspects


Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady emerges from slightly guilty territory and plunges directly in the middle of puzzled “Coat racks?, I don't think so. I haven't seen any coat racks.”

  • Race: Joker
  • Hair: Black with Yellow and Brown
  • Approximate Height: 155 cm
  • Status: Confused
  • Notes: She knows something of Declan's whereabouts and she isn't letting on. Clearly dangerous! Approach with caution.

The Rookie Mike

Inspector Miss Hellebore:“Would you say you had a fondness for coatracks?”

Rookie Mike: “I guess so. . . Saved my ranger buddy's life. Or I guess should I say I did.”

  • Race: Rookie
  • Hair: On his head
  • Approximate Height: 193 cm
  • Status: Drunk
  • Notes: Fancies coat racks. Also has the whole rookie thing in common with Declan. Possible they clump together.

R.P. Whistle

The Dastardly Genteel RP Whistle shrugs indolently. “Regardless neither of which series events involved witnesses, rendering my recounting of whereabouts highly unreliable. Take that as you will, madams.”

  • Race: Human
  • Hair: Well groomed
  • Approximate Height: 181 cm
  • Status: Dastardly
  • Notes: He chained police officers to a park bench! For pity's sake. Even if he didn't steal Declan, he's still a scoundrel.


Cuisinier Micha makes a face that is mostly thoughtful frown, with just a hint of chocolate avarice. “You mean Declan? Oh, no, I would never steal a roo- - I mean, coatrack! Ever!” She looks guilty.

  • Race: Joker
  • Hair: Lovely
  • Approximate Height: 165 cm
  • Status: Gourmet
  • Notes: The Ducks! Look for the Ducks! She's the most obvious suspect for the ransom tape. . . sadly.


<TYPES> Silcatra stands up straighter, proudly. “I can fabric-ate just about anything. Coverups aren't that hard, be it for people or furniture.”

  • Race: Joker
  • Hair: Yes
  • Approximate Height: Shorter than G, taller than a Midget Pirate
  • Status: Under suspicion
  • Notes: Guilty of Tangoing an officer of the law into the CG lake. May be conspiring with Cassidy. Admits to some sort of coverup.

The Evidence

A Package Slides Into The Police Station!

There is a videocassette. A very old fashioned media1), perhaps, but absolutely perfect for the subject matter contained therein.

Grainy super-8 video bounces into view, zooming in and highlighting what appears to be someone's left nostril. The camera abruptly re-centers and zooms out, choppy and fast. Two people wearing desert camouflage balaclavas, and serious expressions, stare grimly into the camera. The taller one narrows his eyes.

“This is inane,” he grates. “Just- just- no. No, you're holding it wrong. Turn it- turn the other- no, just-KSHT”

The video feed turns into snow, whiting out the two people and their serious expressions. Then it restarts, abruptly, audio only. The previous voice, tinged with more than a hint of impatience, breaks through the dark screen.

“Look, okay. No, don't touch it! Fuck. It's recording now.” A woman's voice breaks in. “Now?”

“Yes, NOW. We are recording RIGHT NOW.”

A cap is removed from the camera lens, revealing a hand, and a feminine face more accustomed to smiling. It is not smiling now. The woman backs up and adjusts her balaclava to cover her features once more. The balaclava is embroidered with a fetching duck pattern. She clears her throat.

“This is for GERM. We have Rookie Declan. We are prepared to release him in return for a giant bag of semolina flour, and three dozen eggs. And three jars of clotted cream–” The other figure clamps a hand across the woman's mouth, over the balaclava.

“Shut up. Everyone. This is what we want. Whatever she just said, plus, and this is the important list, plus a seven foot length of iron wire, seven feet of copper wire, a large magnet, eight AA batteries, a wading pool, and a ball-peen hammer.” The male figure closes his eyes briefly, and there is a scuffling sound from off-camera. He jerks, as if kicking something. “And two tins of Fancy Wancy Cat Brand cat food.”

The woman jerks her head to the side and hisses, “Deliver the goods to the Improbable Island Free Public Library or Declan will be going for a swim! And he's not very good at swimming, is he?” The camera cuts out again, then wavers into an old recording of senior citizens learning the conga. The rest of the tape continues in this vein.

The Police Logs

The Case Begins (Improbable Central)

Detective Inspector Bernard: There's a screech of wheels, and suddenly! SUDDENLY! A grocer's cart goes flying sending watermelons, plums and all sorts of shit flying! Then more screeching. Paper & cardboard is tumbled!

Detective Inspector Bernard emerges from his lovely specimen of British automotive engineering (with a vinyl roof) “Allright you bunch of slaaahgs, you better 'fess up, or else I'm going to put you away for a very long time”

Detective Inspector Bernard also offers a “Hello everyone.”

Marly skitters closer to Z, all thoughts of new friends forgotten. Something is screeching and flinging fruit.

Zolotisty headtwists toward the commotion.

Marly blinks and peers at Bernard from over Z's shoulder. “… hallo Uncle.”

Detective Inspector Bernard stands, proudly, coat tails flapping in the breeze, “Oops sorry, I had eggs and prunes this morning.” he admits, “It's playing HAVOC with me guts.” And… “You knocked off bastards.”

Abundantly Ari peers at Uncle and tilts her head “hello”

Zolotisty, despite being more or less immobile at present, does a pretty decent job of projecting wary threat. It is the sort of guardianship that neatly encompasses sheepies and alarmed rainb- oh. Bernard.

Zolotisty chirrups, “H'lo Uncle.”

Detective Inspector Bernard sees the accountant, and the second-storey (wo)man and the sheep… Couple more faces he doesn't recognise, they could be tasty. He fingers his truncheon. It's hard.

Detective Inspector Bernard sniffs, “ 'Evenin' all,” and unconsciously raises up and down on his toes, “Everyone behavin'? There's no trouble here is there Ma'am?” this last, confusingly, directed at Ahab.

Detective Inspector Bernard barks, “JUST 'OO IS THIS UNCLE? IS IT ONE OF YOUR CONTACTS?!”

Inspector Miss Hellebore walks in, holding a large train kite, smiling brightly, “Hello, Mr Bernard, sir.”

Detective Inspector Bernard is still surreptitiously clasping his truncheon, any more of this palaver, and he'll whip it out and give some of these bleeders a jolly good taste of it.

Contestant Ahab gets Bernard's inferrance, but not his meaning. “Me?” And looks around and behind himself.

Marly startles again and shimmies behind Saber. More people between her and the shouting Authority Figure.

Detective Inspector Bernard sighs, “It's Defective Inspector, thankyewverymuch-a.”

Ebenezer drifts towards Esc and Ari. “Hello!” He turns to bob a nod to Bernard, then looks back to the ladies and asks, “What-what're we doing?”

spandex is distracted by all the commotion for a few moments. “I'll explain later, Saber.”

Detective Inspector Bernard harrumphs, this lot don't care for authority, but… Now he's an inspector, 'e'll be back, and he'll come tooled up - maybe bring an iron. They'll not get away with cocking snooks at the 'Law. No.

Inspector Miss Hellebore says to Bernard, “Oh, forgive me. I didn't know. Hello Detective Inspector Bernard, sir.” She reserves a smile and wave for Ahab, looking rather unhappy at the moment.

Lieutenant Saber gives a nod to Bernard, wondering what kind of person could possibly give Marly reason to shy away. “I don't think there's been any trouble here. Maybe some unruly nudists sunbathing in Kittania.”

spandex scoots over and hugs Bernard, hoping to hell no cameras are on them that moment and catch her showing affection towards a cop.

Contestant Ahab looks a fright, but musters a, “Hello, ” for Ebenezer, and Ari. And for Miss Hellebore.

Marly peers around Saber's elbow. “Is he done shouting? He's usually very nice, but shouting makes me nervous when I'm sheepy.”

Detective Inspector Bernard blusters, “UNRULY NUDISTS YOU SAY?” Oh, Detective Inspector Bernard loves copping an eyefu… Um… Nicking NUDISTS. “WHERE” he coughs, “Did you say all these boobi… Nudists were?!”

Abundantly Ari waves “hello Ahab!” she did not see him

Detective Inspector Bernard tries to shrug off Dex, “Look LOVE, I know you BURDS get all wobbly over a bloke wearing Hai Karate, but I'm on DUTY! Now, run along and I'll pop back later this morning for a cuppa.”

Marly pipes up, “Kittania, and two kliks northwest of it. In the bordello.”

Lieutenant Saber looks back to Marly. “I think that he's done shouting, but covering your ears when he starts might be a good idea. Then if he yells at you more his voice might get sore.”

Marly sneaks over to Z. Her civic duty is done, she's told the Police everything she knows. She settles in under the open arm.

Detective Inspector Bernard winks at Marly, “That's good. Good stuff from you. Maybe you are on the straight and NARRAR after all…” he slips her a fiver, “If you've got any more…” voice drops to a whisper,

Detective Inspector Bernard nudges her, “Just give me a shout. The number is 9.9.9. I'll be on it like a shot. Just ask for Detective Inspector Bernard, that's me, from the Flyin' Squad.”

spandex nicks the copper's cufflinks and thieves away.

Detective Inspector Bernard: : turns back to Sergeant Hellebore and PC Ahab, “Now, you two, what are you doing out of uniform?? Don't tell me Lieutenant Dave” spit, “Has got you both on a job for 'im, has he?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore blinks at Bernard, “I beg your pardon?”

Contestant Ahab looks suddenly Bernard's way. “My uniform, you didn't say anything about a uniform.”

Detective Inspector Bernard taps his nose conspiratorially, “It's all right, you two, I know he's got you both down as the brightest and best, I know he wants you both under cover. I won't mention it…”

Abundantly Ari listens carefully to Bernard as she makes for the train stuffs

Inspector Miss Hellebore looks at Ahab, then at Bernard, “Ermmm… yes, that's probably for the best. May I go play with trains now?”

Contestant Ahab give an I-don't-have-clue-what-you're-talking-about, “Yes, sir!?” to Bernard. Blinking.

Detective Inspector Bernard has to get back to the nick, “I've gotta get back to the station, you two stay here, patrolling. If you see 'owt suss, give us a whistle & we'll come back mob-'anded, & nick some a'these bastards”

Contestant Ahab. “Um, Bernard, sir?”

bony Husk of a creature Comrade Lukas eyes the detective and his brilliant team wairly

Detective Inspector Bernard nods, bodily brushes some watermelon, cardboard, and shit from his Ford Granada, climbs in, slams the door, starts the engine, screeches the wheels and leaves. Smashing through water-butts.

Inspector Miss Hellebore holds out her candy whistle, “Yes, sir.” She frowns at him, “Also, language, Mr Bernard. I mean, really.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore shrugs at Ahab and immediately forgets it, TRAIN TIME.

Abundantly Ari wants a title too! She just smiles at Esc though “what can I play with?”

Contestant Ahab can't spit it out in time. He moves towards Esc's setup.

Searching For Clues (Dunbernarding)

Detective Inspector Bernard runs up the stairs with his truncheon out, and his mac flapping around his knees, “YOU SLAAAHG!” he calls at the top of his voice as he heads towards his office!

Johnson tiptoes in and looks around. “The hell?” she inquires of Lilith, who only grunts at her and points at the invisible footsteps of an invisible man.

Inspector Miss Hellebore walks in to the hall, trying to feel out this whole officer-ness.

Johnson sits down on the floor, entirely unsure as to what she's supposed to be doing. Or looking for. Or being. Dammit, this being-in-GERM thing is more confusing than she first anticipated.

Abundantly Ari wanders in, looking for clues as to what is missing

Inspector Miss Hellebore paces. She's hoping it wasn't Komarynsky that was taken…

Johnson blinks. “Ari. So. What was stolen?”

Abundantly Ari spots footprints in the dust, she starts spinning a tale “well, as you can see, GERM hall has been infiltrated, last night Sergeant Johnson dusted the hall to track any further unauthorized”

Abundantly Ari finishes, pacing back and forth “comings and goings”

Johnson sits up straight. “Oh. Oh, yes I did.” She blinks, and brightens. “I did! I covered the hall in ENORMOUS amounts of dust!”

Inspector Miss Hellebore eyes the hall. She doesn't see any footprints, but she doesn't want to seem like she's not a good cop, so she says nothing.

Johnson pokes a snowdrift of dust a bit disconsolately. “Well. Um. Okay. So. Did I find any unauthorized comings and goings, ma'am?”

A crossbow bolt rockets down the stairs, ricocheting off of the floor.

Inspector Miss Hellebore kicks one of the coats on the floor. Perhaps the footprints are under it?

Johnson frowns. “If you don't see footprints, Hellebore, it's because the person DIDN'T LEAVE ANY. They FLEW. Obviously.”

Jon Bishop steps down the stairs, crossbow in hand. “Sorry. Uh, spider.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore picks up a coat and hides behind it. Because this will protect her from crossbow bolts… obviously.

Johnson WHAAAARGS and slams back against the desk, out of the way of the crossbow bolt. Lilith leans over the top and, majestically, WHANGS her on the head with a clipboard. Johnson yelps.

Abundantly Ari looks at the dust “lots of people seem to have come and went through here, the question is, are they the criminal?” there are Calli prints, Cozen prints, Althea prints and Bernard prints that weren't here when Ari went to bed

Inspector Miss Hellebore drops the coat gratefully, “Constable Bishop. Wonderful. Have you noticed anything missing?”

Johnson blinks up at the man with the crossbow. “How big was this spider?” she demands crossly, rubbing her head. Abundantly Ari grins at Constable Bish “tell them what is missing” passing the buck is very handy

Johnson sighs and takes off her coat. “I suppose we should get down to some serious finding-things-out business, yes?” She looks around for the coatrack.

Jon Bishop scratches his head. “Uhm. In here?” He then spaces his arms apart for Johnson. “Uh. It was uh, fucking massive! The size of a..donkey.”

Johnson looks at the enormous pile of coats on the floor. “Um. Is that the coatrack?” she asks, holding up her coat by a sleeve.

Johnson narrows her eyes suspiciously. “The size of a donkey.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore frowns, “No. It's a pile of coats.”

Johnson swings her arm around, coat flapping behind her menacingly. “WHY, may I ask, did you shoot a crossbow bolt at it? WHY did you not attempt to corral it and thenceforth TAME it? Sirrah?”

Johnson blinks at Miss Hellebore. “Where's the coatrack?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore mumbles, “Or put it in a cup and carry it outside? Far more humane.”

Jon Bishop rubs the back of his head. “Uh, well. I didn't have rope. Yeah.”

Abundantly Ari explains “missing in GERM of course” she trail off and mumbles“I think”

Inspector Miss Hellebore begins sorting through the coats and cloaks and scarves and hats, and one very crusty looking bathrobe.

Johnson glares suspiciously at the man, who is still holding a crossbow in an entirely unrepentant manner. “You didn't have rope.” She frowns. “What a pa-THETIC excuse. Spiders have silk, yes? Silk! rope!”

Inspector Miss Hellebore gets to the bottom of the pile. No coatrock. “What sort of savages are we, to pile our coats on the ground like this?”

Johnson swings her finger around to point at the man with the crossbow. “Superintendent Ari, ma'am! I think he's the thief! Of whatever was stolen! He looks dodgy to me and I don't know who he is!”

Johnson swings round. “What! GERM piles coats on the ground? I'm ashamed of this clan!”

Abundantly Ari blinks “but thats Bishop, he's a Constable”

Jon Bishop points at the hallway. “I don't want any more animals! I already have about 15 worthless cows!”

Inspector Miss Hellebore gasps, “Constable Bishop! Did you steal whateveritwasthatwasstolen?”

Abundantly Ari bites her lip so as not to giggle “well you dusted the whole place, maybe they couldn't find the coatrack?”

Johnson blinks at this Bishop person. “He's a Constable? Maybe he's a mole.” She frowns. “WHERE DO YOU KEEP THESE COWS, you INFIDEL. ARE YOU A MOLE?”

Johnson frowns back at Ari. “What coatrack? You mean this clan doesn't actually pile coats on the ground normally?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore tries to be the Good Cop. “Now, now, Sergeant Johnson. I'm sure he's willing to come clean about this whole cow business. WHERE ARE THE COWS, BISHOP?!”

Jon Bishop looks to Ari. “Wait. Someone stole something?” How dare they steal something that wasn't his but he was going to enjoy the benefits of for free!“

Johnson slams her hand down on Lilith's desk and thunders, “AHA! I bet those are stolen goods! WHERE did you get those cows from, BISHOP?” and then yelps and yanks her hand away as Lilith slams a stapler.

Jon Bishop holds his hands up. “Back the hell off they're at some plains near my house!”

Johnson blinks at Bishop. “Oh. Then that's okay. Sorry about that.” She turns back to Ari. “What coatrack?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore says, “Yes, more about the coat rack!”

Jon Bishop stands tall. “This is serious. No one gets away with stealing things that I get to use for free and gets away with it!”

Abundantly Ari looks about bewildered “the one that is usually in here”

Abundantly Ari nods firmly in agreement with Bishop “zactly!”

Johnson swivels her head. “There's a coatrack that's usually in here?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore shrieks, “STOLEN!” Lilith glares at her. She huffs, “Well, it was!”

Johnson frowns. “What's it look like? It-” and light dawns. “IT'S GONE. ARE YOU TELLING ME IT WAS STOLEN?”

Johnson grins at Cozen and adds, “Jinx.” And then spins round on her heel and bellows, “SOMEONE HAS STOLEN OUR COATRACK. THE ABOMINATION!”

Abundantly Ari nodnods “that was what was stolen!” She narrows her eyes, “I wonder if that is all they got?”

Johnson shudders. “I hate to find out!” She races forward to find out exactly what else disappeared, and slips on a convenient snowdrift of dust. Faceplants on the couch, knocks her head on the floor.

Johnson is out for the next few hours. Choirs of angels singing in her head, hurrah!

Jon Bishop paces where the coat hanger once was. “Declan…he was a good man. Held the weight of the coats on his shoulders.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore gasps, “I simply must check on Komarynsky!” She flees to the dormitory.

Inspector Miss Hellebore hurries back in, “Okay, alright. Komarynsky is fine. Now, what did this coatrack look like?”

Abundantly Ari holds up her hand to a little over her head “he was about this tall, dark hair I think…”

Jon Bishop paces. “Weak looking. Y'know, right off the plane kind of guy.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore blinks slowly, “The… the thief?”

Abundantly Ari shakes her head “nope the coat rack”

Inspector Miss Hellebore frowns, “The coatrack wore a wig?”

Jon Bishop answers. “Nope. It had hair.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore taps her chin, trying to figure this out, “Some sort of… hair growth pomade?”

Abundantly Ari tilts her head “did he have hair growth problems?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore asks, “Was the coatrack… masculine?”

Abundantly Ari looks and Bishop and back to Cozen “he was a boy at least, not like tough lookin”

Jon Bishop scratches his nose. “Hell, I don't know, inspector. It never ate much, I doubt it was too manly looking.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore pinches the bridge of her nose and then winces, as it is still tender, “There's … something I don't believe I understand. The coatrack was a boy?”

Abundantly Ari nods again “a rookie”

Inspector Miss Hellebore looks at the corner, “And…. and… we put coats on him?”

Abundantly Ari shrugs “well he just sorta stood there, taking space, had to do something with him”

Jon Bishop confirms this. “Yes, inspector. What isn't there to understand?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore sighs, “What if he just… left?”

Abundantly Ari blinks “but he didn't move”

Inspector Miss Hellebore frowns, “Well, no I suppose not.”

Abundantly Ari hmms “you think its a case of a runaway and not a theft?”

Jon Bishop states, “He couldn't leave, he was the coat-rack.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore paces, “Well, either way, we should probably find him. … Shouldn't we?”

Jon Bishop grumbles. “You're right. It will be impossible to find another coatrack that matches the carpet.”

Abundantly Ari nodnods “theft, runaway or” her eyes widen “what if he was kidnapped?” wait, isn't that just theft of a person? “He has to be found!”

Inspector Miss Hellebore nods, repeatedly, “Oh yes, obviously! We must find him! What do we do, Chief Superintendent?”

Jon Bishop points near the stage, his shovel in hand. “I'll uh, make sure they didn't bury him over there.”

Abundantly Ari gestures to the dust everywhere “Bish can dig around to see if he is in here and everyone can interrogate, especially rookies, he might seek out his own kind”

Jon Bishop breaks free the floorboard, beginning the shoveling. He doesn't believe he's going to find anything: it's just fun digging inside.

Abundantly Ari peers at Bish ripping up floor boards ” maybe put them back when your done?“

Inspector Miss Hellebore stands sharply, heels together, “What shall I do, then?”

Abundantly Ari hms “research! Talk to peopele, you are good at learning stuff, like with the trains, find out where a coat rack might get hidden”

Jon Bishop puts a thumbs up. “Righto!” A thought. “Uhm, if the rack left on his own, would he leave footprints, too?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore smiles brightly, “I can do that! It is most certainly something I can do.”

Abundantly Ari blinks and beams at Bishop “you are smart! So either he left before last night or he's been stolen, I will have to ask Johnson and GK and Bryn if they saw him here when they visited”

Abundantly Ari whispers to Cozen “that's why he is a constable you know”

Inspector Miss Hellebore blinks at Ari and whispers back, “Is Constable good?”

Abundantly Ari nods “in the Byzantine Empire he was the highest ranking officer in the army!”

Jon Bishop climbs out of his hole, then glances down at at. “Nope, nothing. But we have a hole now, so it was still productive.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore nods, primly, “Holes are always effective for something or another.”

Jon Bishop holds up a finger. “Damn right I..ranked high in the..that!” A look to Cozen. “Something or another? How about everything?!

Inspector Miss Hellebore shrugs, flustered, “Well, a hole won't make you tea now will it?”

Abundantly Ari smiles “so officers, lets find what is missing!”

Jon Bishop smirks at Cozen. “You just aren't being creative enough.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore peers down her nose at Bishop, “Creative, is that it? I'm sure I'll be the first to find the coatrack!”

Abundantly Ari nods sleepily “we'll find it”

Jon Bishop snorts, making his way into a chair. “Oh we'll see. But uh, first, this officer's taking a break.” He twists sideways in the chair, closing his eyes.

Abundantly Ari: “night Bish, good luck investigating” Inspector Miss Hellebore tips her hat, “Goonight, Mr Bishop. May the odd be ever in your favor.”

Abundantly Ari turns to Cozen and opens her arms for a hug night Cozen, good luck interviewin”

Inspector Miss Hellebore moves quickly around the hug, gripping both of Ari's shoulders in a friendly squeeze, which is like a hug. “Thank you, Missus Ari. I will do you proud!”

Abundantly Ari grins and nodnods, lookingsleepy “I know, you are very smart” she wanders off, making a note to update Sargent Johnson of the discoveries

The Usual Suspects (NewHome)

Inspector Miss Hellebore walks into NewHome dragging a substantial table behind her. The back legs screeeEEEeeeeeEEEeecchhh against the cobblestones.

Rookie Mike covers ears and says: “GOOD LORD STOP!”

TabbyMorph Buddleia flattens her ears at the dragging noises, and bounds over to help carry the damned table if only to make the noise stop. “Heya, where're you putting this?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore sets up her table, putting a fresh linen table cloth on it, a candlestick, a plate of cookies, a goldfish in a bowl and finally a little sign: Information! Inquire within!

Inspector Miss Hellebore smiles brightly, “Miss Buddleia, hello! Just setting up my booth.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore unfolds a chair behind the table and sits down daintily.

The War Minded LadyRavenSkye is not at all relaxed, and the screeching table probably isn't helping. “That is fantastic Carver, if you ever need it touched up, you know where and how to find me.”

Rookie Mike gets up and walks over to hellebore.

TabbyMorph Buddleia smiles back, ears relaxing. “Booth? Are you selling things?” She takes in the sign, “Ah, what sort of information?”

The Survivalist Ukon walks back in from the Dojo, happy to have defeated his master. He sights Miss Hellebore's table and decides “What the Hell, why not?” to himself as he walks over.

Rookie Mike: may i inqurire to what kind of information?

Inspector Miss Hellebore smiles at all-comers. “Need information! Need it. I'm willing to trade for it.”

Rookie Mike: trade what?

Returning Contestant Carver gives a thankyou while wincing uring the noise. He is abruptly glad when it stops.

Inspector Miss Hellebore points to her plate of cookies. “Cookies for good information. Brownies for great information. A cheesecake for exceptional information.”

Rookie Mike: ermm… i dont have any good info…

TabbyMorph Buddleia grins, toothily. “What information are you looking for?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore pulls out a piece of paper, “Well, let's check. Your name?”

The Survivalist Ukon squints. “What…kinda info we talkin about?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore winks at Buddleia, “Oh, the usual. Statistics. General preferences…” She waves her hand vaguely, “Other such stuff.” She pulls another piece of paper out, “Your name, Miss Buddleia?”

Rookie Mike: im mike.

Inspector Miss Hellebore also said that to Ukon.

Inspector Miss Hellebore writes down Mike. “Okay, and how long have you been on the island, Mike?”

TabbyMorph Buddleia is suddenly all attention at the mention of statistics. “I've got a lot of data, actually. And, yes, I go by Buddleia here.”

Rookie Mike: some where around a week.

Inspector Miss Hellebore writes down Buddleia. “And you've been on the island for sometime, have you not?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore writes down One Week. “Do you like the island so far, Mr Mike?”

TabbyMorph Buddleia: Six months.

Inspector Miss Hellebore writes down Six Months. “And what would you say your primary occupation is, Miss Buddleia?”

Rookie Mike: no. i was pretty much about to retire!

TabbyMorph Buddleia scratches her head, “Here, or before the Island? And do you mean what I do to survive, like hunting and stuff, or what I do most of, or what I enjoy doing?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore gives him a sympathetic look, “Oh, that is a shame.” She writes down, Unhappy With Island. “What did you do last night, Mike?”

Rookie Mike: drunk my ass off and tangled with a crazy robot.

Inspector Miss Hellebore looks at her paper, “How about three hobbies, a prior profession, and at least one illicit deed.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore says to Mike, Interesting.” She writes down, Drunkard; Brawls with Robots. “And the night before last?”

TabbyMorph Buddleia giggles. “Well, I like exploring, and making things, and playing with friends. I was training to do radiation protection, X-ray machines and little gadgets and things. Hmmm … illicit deeds …”

The Survivalist Ukon listens as Hellebore fires off questions. Her first one stirs up uncertainty in him; he knows he's only just arrived, and yet…everything is so familiar, so known. He has a hard time thinking.

Rookie Mike: hmm… i dont remember. i dont know if i was drunk or just have bad memory.

Inspector Miss Hellebore writes down, Exploring; Making “things”; Playing with “Friends” (Accomplices?). Very Complicated Sounding Profession.

Inspector Miss Hellebore taps her chin with her pen and hmmms at Mike. She writes down, Doesn't Remember Night In Question. “Tell me, Mr Mike, what do you know about coatracks?”

TabbyMorph Buddleia contemplates various things that could be described as illicit, “Well, I once helped Micha stop being a frog, which involved a love potion, lying to The Watcher, and some flailing panic.”

Rookie Mike: ya hang coats on them? oh and they make good canes in a pinch.

Rookie Mike: learned that in… ermm… i dont remember…

Rookie Mike: it was somewhere in china.

Inspector Miss Hellebore writes down Makes Love Potions (Practical Voodoo), Falsehoods to The Watcher (Always Respectable), Inciting Chaos. “And Miss Buddleia, where were you the night before last?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore nods encouragingly at Mike, “Would you say you had a fondness for coatracks?”

TabbyMorph Buddleia blinks at her. “Night before last, you were there. We flew kites, remember?”

Rookie Mike: i guess so… saved my ranger buddys life. or i guess should i say I did.

TabbyMorph Buddleia adds, “Well, before that, I was at a friend's party. I'd helped with the building for it, too.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore smiles, “Yes, we did!” She writes down, Flew Kites! (It was fun.). “And after kites? Anything… illicit?”

Rookie AoZain gets increasingly nervous at all the talk of coat racks and runs out into the Jungle

TabbyMorph Buddleia shakes her head, “Not unless you count going through the Factory, and then to bed.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore smiles at Mike, “How brave!” She writes down, FANCIES COATRACKS (Suspect!) “One last question, do you know anyone by the name of Declan?”

Rookie Mike: no.

Inspector Miss Hellebore sees the rookie fleeing and narrows her eyes. She hrmms and writes something down (secretly). “That sounds like a marvelous time, Miss Buddleia.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore reaches down and pulls out a plate of cookies, offering them to both Mike and Buddleia, “Thank you both. Simply lovely.”

Rookie Mike: nomnomnomnomnomnomnom

TabbyMorph Buddleia takes one and crunches down, grinning. “Coatracks and Declan, eh? You're trying to find out about the Memorial Hall?”

Detective Inspector Bernard arrives in a screeech of wheels, a flash of brown, the smell of a warm vinyl roof… “Alllright YOUSE Slaaahgs! I know one of YOU whistle and dabs half-inched our BLEEDIN' EIGHT-TRACK!”

Inspector Miss Hellebore stacks the papers and puts them in her portmanteau. She feeds Komarynsky in his fish bowl and straightens her sign: Information! Inquire Within.

Rookie Mike decides to slip away quietly…

Inspector Miss Hellebore winks at Buddleia, “There's a mystery afoo–” She falls out her chair with the arrival of Bernard.

Inspector Miss Hellebore frowns at him, straightening her hat, “Mr Bernard. I've already begun asking questions! I have suspects!”

Rookie Mike: :… after he grabs ten more cookies. now hes gone.

Inspector Miss Hellebore shows him her booth, with its sign, its cookies, its table linens, its goldfish bowl. “See? Civilised.”

TabbyMorph Buddleia giggles, sliding away through the crowd. GERMans. But she got some entertainment, and a cookie, out of it, so it's all good. She gives a quick wave around and heads off.

Detective Inspector Bernard grins, nastily, “Nice work Woodentop! Which one of these BLEEDERS did the deed, eh? I'll show 'em the tip of me truncheon!”

Detective Inspector Bernard slaps the heavy weapon in his upturned palm, it leaves a red welt.

Lieutenant teh Dave saunters into town, eyeing Bernard curiously. “Hey B, we're here to solve the case, not bash skulls.” His hair agrees.

Inspector Miss Hellebore mutters, “It's Hellebore. And there was a fellow who certainly headed out in a hurry at the mention of coat racks! I didn't catch his name, but I'd know his face. And also, Mr Mike…”

Rookie Mike hides behind the fountin to watch as he eats his cookies. he is fanaticil about cookies.

Inspector Miss Hellebore looks around for Mike, “But… ermm… he seems to have left as well.”

Detective Inspector Bernard shrinks at the sound of a Noo Yoik Lootenant at his shoulder, him! “Awright Davey. What're you doing here? Me and the Uniform 'ere got this place sewn up…”

Lieutenant teh Dave glances about. “Sewn up, eh? Got any leads?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore shuffles her papers on her table, Uniform, indeed! She looks around for anyone else who might have information.

Detective Inspector Bernard cringes, that hair… That leather jacket, those flares… “Haven't you got summat better to be doin' Mate? Like do your hair… Or button that shirt…” THE CHEST HAIR!

Inspector Miss Hellebore nods, “Yes sir. Miss Buddleia certainly didn't do it. (That's a lead.) And Mr Mike might have and there was a fellow who positively shook at the idea of coat racks… very suspicious.”

Lieutenant teh Dave's hair nods. “Get all'at in your report then. Good work Inspector.”

Dave's chest hair waves in greeting, then preens itself a tad, making itself presentable for that objectionable Lahdonah, D.I. Bernard.

Detective Inspector Bernard thinks Hellebore oughta deputise some of these here Rooks and Contestants to go and round up this mysterious fella who worries about coat racks…

Rookie Mike doesnt like the direction this is going. decides to find a better hide-out.

Chief Inspector g_rock Clouseau strides overconfidently into Newhome and straight up to Bernard, speaking in a ridiculous accent “Mssr Bearnard, are zere iny bricks in ze case?”

Rookie Mike slowly starts to sneak away…

Inspector Miss Hellebore nods at Dave, “Oh, I will, sir. Yes.”

Lieutenant teh Dave peers about, trying to see ant suspicious activity. Aside from Bernard's incessant attention to his chest hair.

Inspector Miss Hellebore points! Pointy pointy points! “There he is! Oh, Mr Mike? Can we please speak with you?”

Lieutenant teh Dave's hair points at Mike. “Hold it right there.” And Dave blinks and glances over. “What's the matter?” His hair continues pointing. “What'cha acting all suspsicious for?”

Rookie Mike “shii-” decides to make a break for it!

Lieutenant teh Dave follows Inspector Cozen's pointing, and saunters over towards Mike, smiling winningly. “How's it? Mind answering a few questions?”

Rookie Mike runs behind the museam!

Inspector Miss Hellebore pushes Dave, “Don't stand there! Nab him!” Isn't that what New York coppers are for?

Lieutenant teh Dave sees the Rook start running and takes chase. His hair starts keening like a siren.

Rookie Mike runs off into the jungle!

Inspector Miss Hellebore takes in GRock Clouseau in an apprising once over. Interpol are on the case?

Detective Inspector Bernard chases along behind!

Lieutenant teh Dave hops a fence between himself and Mike, and runs, hair shouting at the man that they just want to ask him some questions.

Rookie Mike dissapers into the jungle.


Strange Creature Zack wanders into the town and sits against a tree. he seems bored.

Inspector Miss Hellebore's hand flutters to her chest. She just can't take all this yelling. She collapses back into her chair.

Lieutenant teh Dave slows down at the gates, staring off into the Jungle. His hair yells at him. “What, you're just gonna let him get away?” “I Can't track him out there…'snot my element.”

Chief Inspector g_rock Clouseau takes off after Dave, Bernard, and Mike “II Ordnance 458.7 prohibits chase sequenzes wizout proper banjo music! Stop!”

Rookie Mike stops at the piercing sound. “grrahshadaup!”

Inspector Miss Hellebore points at the Strange Creature known as Zack, “Excuse me, sir? Would you mind answering some questions?” She gestures to her table, laid out with cookies, and her Information! sign.

Lieutenant teh Dave offers D.I. Bernard a smoke, lighting his own with a scowl. “That's one lead out in the Jungle now. Gotta be a bit more genial…help lure 'em in.”

Detective Inspector Bernard pulls up short, and lights himself a cigarette to help him get his breath back, “Fuckin' 'ell, he's sharp on 'is 'eels, he's as fast as a whippet up a Yorkshireman's trolleys.”

Kestrel watches, dumbfounded, and after a moment decides to masquerade as a hapless rook/innocent bystander, taking a seat at the entrance to the alleyway between Eboy's and Sheila's. There - hidden.

Cuisinier Micha waves very brightly and excitedly at Miss Hellebore, unaware of the ensuing criminal investigation! She is clueless!

Detective Inspector Bernard is puffing and blowing for ages, AGES… OOH at least ten minutes….

Strange Creature Zack blinks at the inspector. “oh…kay…” he goes to the gestered area.

Rookie Mike watches the cops from a random tree top, trying not to start laughing at the one with the trogdons accent.

Lieutenant teh Dave hears the Rook's voice out in the Jungle. “Mike, is it? I think we can all agree it'd be easier for everyone to just come along peaceably and answer a few questions. Just to put 'em on record.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore wiggles her fingers at Micha as she pulls out a piece of paper, “To start with, sir, your name?”

Rookie Mike calls from a random treetop: “bugger off! im not in the mood!”

Strange Creature Zack: Zack.

Cuisinier Micha saunters over for a cookie, eavesdropping shamelessly.

Chief Inspector g_rock Clouseau catches up to Bernard and Dave, and handcuffs himself to…himself apparently “Right, now, will you come along quietly, or do I 'ave to get rough wis you?”

Lieutenant teh Dave's hair gestures towards the tree surreptitiously at Bernard and G. “Just want to know if you've heard anything about Declan.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore gives Micha a cookie while writing down Zack. “And Mr Zack, what is it that you do?”

Rookie Mike: nothin doin! now bugger off!

Constable Swede comes into town and looks at the Germs with somewhat of a frown.

Strange Creature Zack blinks. “I don't feel comfortable disclosing that…”

Inspector Miss Hellebore looks entirely innocent.

Lieutenant teh Dave's hair peers at Swede, and greets him genially. “Ah, another detective it seems! Perhaps you could help us with our investigation?”

Cuisinier Micha peers closely at the cookie. Good crumb, nice density, not too buttery or thin. But - wait. Are those raisins? Micha's lip curls.

Inspector Miss Hellebore smiles winningly, “Oh, that's fine, that's fine.” She writes down, Shifty. “And your feelings on coat racks?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore would never put raisins in cookies! Absolute blasphemy! Oh, wait, those are raisins. Oops.

Strange Creature Zack walks away slowly. she's obviously nuts.

Constable Swede sighs at Dave's reaction and mutters: “Great. So who have you lost this time?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore calls after him, “Oh, come back! I have brownies!”

Lieutenant teh Dave peers over at Swede. “Ah, Swede, good to see you. Would you mind seeing Inspector Cozen over there and answering a few questions?”

Rookie Mike moves slightly deeper in the jungle muttering something about “damned copper should just leave us alone…”

Cuisinier Micha perks right the hell up at the b-word. She drops the cookie back onto the table and leans forward to Miss Hellebore, getting her face all up in Cozen's. “Did you say… brownies?”

Chief Inspector g_rock Clouseau goes to wave at Swede, one hand lifting the other. At this point, he realizes the error, but plays it cool. “Well, as I was chaasing as well, I 'ave arrested myself, as an egzample.”

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady shuffles toward NewHome, and wavers for a little at the gate, hit full front by the sheer density of people. However, sees a few familiar faces an decides to step in. And so she does.

Rookie Mike cant help but laughing at the french copper.

Inspector Miss Hellebore looks around quickly, before whispering, “Miss Micha, tell me you didn't steal our coat rack and I can give you a brownie!”

Chief Inspector g_rock Clouseau makes a big show of leading himself off by the collar, as a warning to other potential ne'erdowells in the vicinity, and right out of town.

Constable Swede looks at Dave intently: “You want me to answer a few questions?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore writes on Zack's paper Resisted Questioning! Suspicious Indeed.

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady grins at Swede, tips her hat at…Dave? Adds a small bow at Micha, anyone capable of producing a clover leaf cake of those dimensions deserves at least a bow.

Cuisinier Micha makes a face that is mostly thoughtful frown, with just a hint of chocolate avarice. “You mean Declan? Oh, no, I would never steal a roo– I mean, coatrack! Ever!” She looks guilty.

Rookie Mike figures they forgot about him and gets down from the tree.

Constable Swede smiles at Unfair and nods a greeting: “Hi”

Lieutenant teh Dave smiles winningly. “Of course! I'll be questioning myself later about the matter, as I'm sure Inspector Bernard has undergone thorough examinations.”

Cuisinier Micha waves at Unfairlady, grinning. A bow! Wow!

Rookie Mike creeps closer to the edge of the jungle.

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady steps, trips, stops and sidles until she's close to Swede, then nudges him with an elbow, not exactly discretely “Whazz'' goin' on?”

Constable Swede sighs visibly annoyed: “Fine lets get this over with.”

Rookie Mike sneaks back into town.

Constable Swede turns to Unfair: “I have no idea, but I came out of the jungle and found half of GREM here playing cops and robbers”

Rookie Mike ducks into the museam.

Rookie Mike was not noticed! sucess!

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady's eyes grow round and wide “Cops! Yipes!” she looks around, almost panicky “Where?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore hands Micha a brownie! She's not suspicious! Micha is a friend. She looks Swede up and down and pulls out a new sheet of paper. “Right then. Name?”

Lieutenant teh Dave's hair taps him on the shoulder, and he has a brief conference before eyeing the Museum. He smirks, then jerks his thumb at Swede towards Miss Hellebore. “Inspector Cozen is handling questioning.”

Rookie Mike trys to make it to the diner.

Constable Swede looks at Unfair quite unbelieving: “Come on. If they are cops, then I'm a joker”

Constable Swede answers Miss Hellebore: “Martin Vandermeer”

Inspector Miss Hellebore gasps, writing down Joker.

Cuisinier Micha mashes the brownie into her mouth; half of it disappears, the other half spills down the front of her armour. Micha closes her eyes in bliss.

Rookie Mike makes it to the diner! he thinks hes be spotted though…

Inspector Miss Hellebore writes down Martin Vandermeer. “And Mr Vandermeer, what is your profession?”

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady relaxes somewhat, but peeks suspiciously at the person asking questions from a safe place. Hiding behind Swede. She takes in the hat, the glasses. Hrm. The nose, ehm.

Lieutenant teh Dave hangs out in front of the diner surreptitiously, smoking a cigarette.

Inspector Miss Hellebore adds, Respectable sounding name!

Rookie Mike hides behind the bar and slowly pulls out a rusty knife to jimmy the back door open.

Detective Inspector Bernard emerges from the diner, munching on a donut, “Say, Dave, there's one thing YOU SEPTICS do well, IT'S Copper Snack-foods.” then, “OOF!” as Mike runs into him, knocking him on his bony arse.

Constable Swede: An Improbable Island contestant“

Rookie Mike winces as it sqeaks.

Rookie Mike was behind the bar…

Rookie Mike jimmys the door open! he makes another break for it!

Detective Inspector Bernard wonders where Mike thought he was, being a Copper does have its perks…

Lieutenant teh Dave attempts to head Mike off at the pass. He's not quite sure where a pass came up here in NewHome, but he's making for it. His hair calls out. “Hey! Just calm down kid.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore smiles at him, “Oh, that's lovely. Congratulations.” She writes down, Contestant. “And how do you feel about coat racks, Mr Vandermeer?”

Rookie Mike is in the jungle now anyway.

Rookie Mike starts to clean the damned rust off of his knife.

Constable Swede is put offguard: “Coat racks? Eh, Useful I guess”

Cuisinier Micha pokes at the other half of her brownie with an insistent finger, eyes still closed. Behind the lids, a glow. The brownie piece, obviously, has pink icing on it now. Because it needed it.

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady peeks again from behind Swede. Can't tear her eyes from the Hat.

Inspector Miss Hellebore writes down, Would Use A Coat Rack (Suspicious). “And where were you on the night in question? That is the night before last, if you didn't know the question.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore's hat wobbles and sways with her writing. The little glass grapes jiggle. It is quite entrancing.

Rookie Mike is done cleaning the rust off. he jabs it in the dirt so there is no shine.

Rookie Mike wonders if those coppers are still following him…

Constable Swede frowns at Hellebore: “At home, in bed. Should I detail the activities I was performing there?”

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady wavers some more then decides anyone wearing that kind of Hat is not likely to want to know about that brawl in the PSK and takes a sideways step to examine it closer.

Cuisinier Micha moans through her brownie. She has now eaten the other half, the piece slathered in pink frosting. Her hair seems to float above her shoulders, scenting ozone, scenting lavender, and - fish?

Inspector Miss Hellebore writes In Bed (Less Suspicious). Misconstruing his meaning, she brightens, “Oh that would be very helpful, yes please.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore and Komarynsky both agree: Micha's hair is awesome.

Rookie Mike peeps out from his hidnig place but doesnt see the coppers…

Constable Swede answers Hellebore with a sigh: “Well I stepped in bed. I like to fall asleep on my side. Probably somewhere in the night I turned on my back.

Rookie Mike is confouned that those coppers arent chasing him anymore…

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady, now only partly hidden behind Swede, leans even closer, listening in.

Cuisinier Micha squinches her face in horror! The frosting! She spits profusely, then attempts to scrub her tongue with her hands. Her hair settles down, the glow fading from her eyes.

Constable Swede looks over at Unfair, annoyed at being questioned and annoyed at being leaned on: “You want to take my place Unfair? As you seem so damn interested…

Detective Inspector Bernard grabs Cenobite, “Listen me old mucker, turn your shell-likes in my Eddy Mentionables, and I'll medicinal yer howter fortnight a bit of the old Story and Tome.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore writes down Asleep on Side. (Helpful? No not really) “Did you notice a surfeit of coat racks that night, Mr Vandermeer?”

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady takes a swift step back, shaking her head and muttering, weakly “…me…I didn't…but see, the hat..and ..erm..yes No! I mean no.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore blinks owlishly at Unfairlady. The feathers in her hat sway, showing they mean no harm.

Rookie Mike sniggers at all the clueless people.

Lieutenant teh Dave would inform Cenobite that Bernard's one of the biggest Jokers on the Island. Can get a straight anything from him. He taps Mike on the shoulder. “So, kid, ready to have a bit of a sit-down?”

Detective Inspector Bernard thinks Cenobite oughta be careful, calling a rightful orifice of the law a joker, why, he could find himself in the clink!

Constable Swede growls “A surplus of coatracks? What are you babbling about?” and walks away with a sharp turn, causing Unfairlady to be the first in line

Improbable Leprechaun Akogi looks over to Unfair. He begins to ponder, 'What's this about a hat?' He intently leans over to the conversation still hanging onto the water fountain

Rookie Mike says “GAH! BUGGER OFF!” and starts running again.

Lieutenant teh Dave sighs, and shakes his head. “You know, you'd think he's trying to hide something, the way he's running off like that.”

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady almost falls at the sudden departure of her support and hiding place and ends up nose inches away from the hat. She stares transfixed for a moment then starts shuffling carefully backwards.

Cuisinier Micha neatly dropkicks the offending frosted brownie over the walls. A passing Kittymorph sniffs it, then moves on. Micha looks flustered.

Inspector Miss Hellebore frowns and writes down Suspect! She looks up at Unfairlady, “Madam, would you like Mr Vandermeer's brownie?”

Rookie Mike decides to just leave all together.

Detective Inspector Bernard likes the kid's style, “Lookit the way he uses the English language, with a bit of polish he could add in the word 'Slaaaaahhhg' and that'd be brilliant.”

Rookie Mike: Slaaaaahhhg. good enough for ya?

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady starts a little, one would say guiltily, at Akogi's words. She finally notices him and send a weak smile his way. She's under scrutiny and nowhere to hide. Yipes.

Constable Swede mutters something about amateurs

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady blinks. “Erm. Eh. A brownie? Why?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore notes the guilty look on Unfairlady. “Madam, do you have anything to report about coat racks?”

Lieutenant teh Dave grins and leans on Swede's shoulder. “Amateurs, are we?”

Detective Inspector Bernard blisses, “Son, I'm going to deputise you. You're now (Part-time) Constable Mike, and an officer of the law, here in this town.”

Rookie Mike decides he doesnt have anything else to do anyway and just sits in the jungle.

Inspector Miss Hellebore holds up the plate, “Mr Vandermeer would have gotten a brownie for helping with the investigation. He forfeited it though, so it can be yours.”

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady emerges from slightly guilty territory and plunges directly in the middle of puzzled “Coat racks?, I don't think so. I haven't seen any coat racks.”

Rookie Mike: but im a sucpect in a criminal investigation!

Inspector Miss Hellebore writes down, Definitely Hiding Something Coat Related. “Mmhmm… and do you know the Rookie Declan?”

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady, now in the mighty realm of confuddled, nods “Is it free? The brownie? Then I'll take it, ya bet!”

Inspector Miss Hellebore shows a picture of a stone-faced rookie covered in coats.

Inspector Miss Hellebore hands her the brownie.

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady's mouth opens and spews “Declan McManus?” before she can get it to stay shut.

Constable Swede nods at Dave. “Yep. Biggest bunch of wannabe cops I've ever seen”

Rookie Mike: ohh! we gots a better sucpect!

Lieutenant teh Dave laughs. “Oh don't get your panties in a bunch, kid. We'll let you on the force if you really want to. Least, I'm sure we could. You got a resume you could send in?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore narrows her eyes, “Interesting…” She writes down Definitely Knows Something! Alert! Alert! Also, I've got good penmanship. I especially like the swirling I's…

Rookie Mike: who me? i dont wanna be in your… ermm… whatever it is! whatsisface bernard asked me!

Inspector Miss Hellebore asks, “When's the last time you saw him, Miss…?”

Constable Swede huffs: “Dream on. I've seen and done the real deal. You're not even close”

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady tries to keep her mouth shut but also ask a question in the same time. Conflict of interest. “Mwht's 'ntrstngg?”

Lieutenant teh Dave laughs again. His hair peers at Swede “Ah, take that stick outta your ass sometime, kid. It's not good for you.” His hair laughs, and Dave shrugs at it.

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady finally opens her mouth fully “Seen him? Who's him? We were discussin' coat racks, innit?”

Rookie Mike: have the coppers buggered off yet?

bony Husk of a creature Comrade Lukas cocks a eyebrow at all this he and coat rack business. something serious has happened

Inspector Miss Hellebore nods, “Yes! Our coat rack, Mr Declan! He's been stolen and you are my current lead. Where were you the night before last?”

Constable Swede grins: “What can I say, It replaces my missing backbone okay?”

Cuisinier Micha surfaces from applying raw whiskey to her tongue and sputters. “Friggin' frosting tasted of fish livers! Disgusting!”

Rookie Mike: im nto a sucpect anymore? wooo!!!

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady gapes “Who, me?! I dinna do anything! And no matter what Dan says, that brawl at the PSK wasn't my fault. And I wasn't there. Not even near the place!”

Inspector Miss Hellebore stands suddenly, “Mr Dave! Take this suspect in for questioning!” She stands, her work officially done (for the moment), picks up her fishbowl and heads out of town.

Lieutenant teh Dave makes a note. “Brawl at the PSK. And I missed it. Damn.” He raises an eyebrow at Ceno.

Constable Swede turns around to see whom Hellebore is talking about

Lieutenant teh Dave saunters over to unfair. “No worries, I'm sure it'll all get sorted out. Now if you don't mind coming with me, I'm sure we can get everything straight.”

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady stands rooted to the spot “But I didn't! I wasn't! I don't know nuffin'!”

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady looks at Dave, with something almost like reproach. “Come where?” then a little more brightly “Is there drinks?”

Lieutenant teh Dave takes Unfair's arm helpfully. “Yes, I'm sure we can arrange it. Just back to the station, is all.”

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady looks around to see what her chances are to resist. Then shrugs a little and gives in. There's drinks involved, after all. She allows herself to be taken in to questioning. That's better.

Lieutenant teh Dave notes that this will look good on Unfair's write-up, her coming along peaceably.

Rookie Mike shoots the leaveing coppers a dirty look.

Constable Swede shakes his head, if Unfair want to go, she goes. He knows better then to interfere unasked.

Lady High Badass Supreme Unfairlady is anything but peaceful, normally. Right now what she's most of is confused.

The Plot Thickens (SquatHole)

Contestant Ahab has come to Squat Hole in search of a hole to squat in. Looking around for just such a hole, he realizes aloud,”Looks like it's been hours, or days since anyone's been here. Except the midgets.”

Merlin returns from the failboat, out of cookies and out of clues. “Hrm…. ” she pulls out her magnifying glass and begins to scour the outpost.

Merlin peers through the glass intently, but all she manages to uncover is a plethora of smoked ciggies. “Not helpful… we can't do this on our own!” She thinks for a minute.

Merlin looks through her satchel, and pulls out what appears to be a rubber duck, though it's covered in tinfoil and wielding a mini whisk. “DeLEte” it squeaks.

Contestant Ahab “Oh, I say.” He's just spied what he's sure is a GERM badge and a magnifying glass. “Hello. I've only seen midget holes here myself.”

Merlin whirls around, peering through her magnifying glass at the owner of the voice. “Hallo! I'm Merlin.” she bounds over, “And you are….” she looks at his badge. “OH! Ahab. Hallo!”

Merlin grins. ” I don't believe we've met!“

Contestant Ahab doesn't have to wonder about Merlin's eyecolour now, it made itself very clear the moment she turned. He says, “I'm new to GERM; was looking for a hole; what have you found?”

Contestant Ahab backtracks. “Sorry, yes, I”m Ahab. I mean, no, we've not met.”

Merlin shakes her head. “ I haven't found anything yet. Looking for declan, but.. hatstands are trickier to find than I thought.” “DeLETe” squeaks the rubber duck.

Merlin frowns at the duck. “Mind your manners. He's a friend.” She looks back up at Ahab. “Well, it's very nice to meet you! What brought you to GERM?”

Contestant Ahab's hands are feeling itchy, Or is that tingly, and he puts them in his pants pockets. “I, eh, I wasn't going to apply to any clan at all, but couldn't turn down GERM's invitation.

Contestant Ahab. “I'm very glad to have been.” He hopes the duck isn't wanting to deLETe him. “Invited, I mean.”

Merlin grins. ” Well I'm glad too! You seem very nice. “ she holds up the magnifying glass and peers at the outpost through it. “So you haven't seen anything suspicious?”

Contestant Ahab relaxes. Slouches more like it. “What would be suspicious, exactly? What did you say you're looking for?”

Merlin pulls out a yellowing photograph and holds it up to Ahab. “Rookie Declan, He's our coat rack… and hat stand, and he makes a nice statue too, I suppose. He's been Pilfered!”

Contestant Ahab squints at the picture. “That's, he's, a hatstand? Or, he was?” Understanding beings its slow dawn on Ahab's face.

Merlin nods. ” He's one of a kind, I'm just not sure where he could have gotten off to.“ She frowns at Ahab. “You… didn't take him, did you?'

Contestant Ahab shakes his head vigorously. “I didn't even know there was a him until now. He was stolen? From where?” An inkling of an idea drips into his mind. “Bernard was recruiting a police force…”

Merlin's ears perk. “Oh he was? Yay for Bernard!” She does a quick little jig before pausing and blushing slightly. “And.. I didn't think you did… just,have to ask you know?can't leave loose ends

Contestant Ahab, hands in pockets, does a half jig of his own, out of pure delight at Merlin's carefree-ness. “So, all of GERM is out looking for Declan? Bernard didn't exactly say what was going on, you know.”

Contestant Ahab. “I'd like to look for him… it… the hatstander, too. Are there no clues at all?”

Merlin hrms. ” Oh he didn't? well, Declan does need to be found, where else would we hang our hats?” Which reminds her! She pulls out a note pad and writes buy an nice hat.

Contestant Ahab worries he hasn't shown enough clanship-ness, and jumps at the chance to prove himself worthy of their comradery. It shows a little.

Merlin shakes her head. “I haven't found any so far but, doesn't mean there aren't any!” she rummages through her satchel and pulls out a pad and pencil.

Contestant Ahab absently feels his scalp. “A hatstand could hold a coat, though. Or a poncho, eh?”

Merlin hands the pad and pencil to Ahab. ” I have to head off, but! if you see anything suspicious, you can make note of it.“ She bounds over and gives him a hug. “Thanks for helping!”

Contestant Ahab thinks with his hand pulling on the back of his neck. “Motive, hm. Thief wants GERM members to keep their hats and coats on.”

Contestant Ahab barely noticed the hug as it happened, but feels the hugprint for a few minutes afterwards. “O-KAY!” he calls after her.

Merlin grins. “BYE AHAB! see you SOON!” she bounds off.

Contestant Ahab doesn't have much, hasn't had much to his name at all since arriving on the island - now has a pencil and a pad, so he very neatly writes his name at the top of the first page. It's graph paper!

Contestant Ahab starts a list. 1 - Hats always on. 2 - Coats never off, or, on the floor. 3 - Hat on bed if off.

Inspector Miss Hellebore squeaks, “It's suspicious is what it is!” As she is thrown bodily from Kebabs N' Shite. She lands on her rump in the middle of Brawlin' Avenue.

Contestant Ahab says outloud, in a baritone singsong voice, remembering words and lines to the song rising in his mind: ~“Never keep your hat on the bed, son. Never keep your hat on the bed…”~

Contestant Ahab hardly glances sideways at the tossed out patron. “Drunk, surely.” He resumes his recitation.

Contestant Ahab ~“Keep your hat on the bed, and you'll…hm hmm hm… never keep your hat on the bed.”~ What was that middle part? he wonders.

Inspector Miss Hellebore frowns at Kebabs 'n' Shite as she stands up, rubbing her now-sore backside. She strides back over to the door, but it's been barred from her, “I say! Sir, Short Fellow, You In There!” KnockKnock

Contestant Ahab finds the drunken racket throws off his rhythm and pitch, but he continues, ~“If you do be sure it's upside down, son. If you do be sure it's upside down. If it's right side up…”~

Inspector Miss Hellebore huffs and turns away from the door. Maybe there are other midgets she can hassle. She spies a certain looming fellow in too-bright pants, singing to himself.

Contestant Ahab ~“All the luck'll run out,”~ I wish it rhymed with 'up', ~“If you do be sure it's upside down.”~

Inspector Miss Hellebore inches up behind him. She doesn't want to interrupt obviously. Finally, she stands directly behind him, listening to his terribly strange song.

Contestant Ahab is still pondering the missing phrase, sure that it'll provide a clue to the missing hatstand. Or a clue to the motive, at least. He's thinking awfully hard.

Contestant Ahab says the line slowly, all music drained from it (and poetry too). “Keep your hat on the bed and you'll wake up… DEAD!”

Inspector Miss Hellebore blinks owlishly at him. This is getting awkward, perhaps she should have said something when she first arrived… maybe she should clear her throat now… She raises her hand up to tap his shoulder.

Inspector Miss Hellebore is startled. DEAD?! Well, that's no good. Perhaps he's not interested in company at this moment.

Contestant Ahab yells, “That's IT! The thief wants GERMans DEAD! I've got to tell someone!” He spins around looking for Merlin.

Contestant Ahab thought he'd yelled loud that first time. Now, in the surprise of seeing, not Merlin, but Cozen, he really yells: “AHH!”

Inspector Miss Hellebore also yells, “EEEEEEK!” She jumps a bit too.

Contestant Ahab lets out a huge sigh. “Miss Hellebore! Cozen. What are you doing right behind me?” He bends down to put his hands on his knees and pant for some oxygen.

Contestant Ahab “You nearly killed me dead with shock, there, Cozen.” He looks back up to her.

Inspector Miss Hellebore flusters, “I was just trying to get some information! From Midgets! It seemed likely they were suspects! And there you were! So I came to say Hello! And you were singing! And I-I-”

Inspector Miss Hellebore is clearly hyperventilating.

Contestant Ahab steps closer, hoping to calm her. “Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm the one who almost killed you, eh?” He takes her hand, and bends down to look her in the eyes. “Are you okay, now?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore puts her other hand up to her chest, to calm her heart. “Mr Ahab, you are too large to be so dreadfully sudden!” She's taking stock, trying to figure out whether or not she is dying of fright.

Contestant Ahab says, “But you liked my singing, didn't you?” as a smile creeps into his face. “I'm glad to see you, Cozie.” He massages the back of her hand lightly with the thumb of the hand it's in.

Inspector Miss Hellebore decides finally that she's not going to die, and blinks up at him, “Oh, yes, Mr Ahab, it was all very nice. Lovely singing.” She doesn't seem aware that her hand has been taken hostage.

Inspector Miss Hellebore frowns, “But what's this about people wanting GERMans dead?”

Contestant Ahab's thoughts veer to what they're both doing there, and he thinks the topic might make a nice diversion from the fright. “I think I might have a clue. About Declan. Or at least a hypothesis.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore says, “Rookie Declan! He's missing you know.”

Contestant Ahab says, “I only just found out. Only just, from Merlin. That's what Bernard was all batty about the night of the crafting.”

Contestant Ahab explains. “There's an old cowboy saying about leaving your hat on the bed. No hatstand means noplace to put it when you go to sleep. ~Leave your hat on the bed and you'll wake up dead.~”

Inspector Miss Hellebore gasps, “We're all doomed!”

Contestant Ahab releases Cozen's hand to emphasize “dead” with a slit-throat gesture.

Inspector Miss Hellebore wraps both her hands around her throat. Death! Well, how do you like that?!

Inspector Miss Hellebore croaks, “Mr Ahab! I don't want to die!”

Contestant Ahab feels he must emphasize the point yet further. “And we're not talking 'Failboat-death', either.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore clutches his sleeve, “No, no, no! My life has just begun! I have to take care of Komarynsky! I need to live, Mr Ahab!”

Contestant Ahab reassuringly elaborates upon his conjecture: “I don't have a hat, so I can't die, so I can protect you. And Komarynsky. And I will!”

Contestant Ahab's logic is unassailable. Monstrous, maybe, but unassailable.

Inspector Miss Hellebore's eyes shine up at him, A hero! “But we'll need to protect the others as well! Mr Teh and Mr Dave certainly.”

Contestant Ahab smiles heroically, and he moves to put his fists on his hips then thinks better of it. “Yes. I'd thought of them.” His voice has edged from baritone to bass. “And Bernard? A coppers' hat, no?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore nodnodnods, her hat quivering with her trepidation, “Oh yes! What shall we do?”

Contestant Ahab has a thought: “Komarynsky doesn't have a hat.” Then another: “But you do have a hat. Get rid of the hat, Cozen. Throw it away right now!”

Inspector Miss Hellebore gapes at him. “Surely you aren't serious.” She sniffs, “A lady is nothing without an appropriate hat.”

Contestant Ahab gives an, “Hm. Okay, right. We need a better solution.” He reaches to flick a little lint off her very silly hat and wonders how she'd look without it.

Inspector Miss Hellebore would probably look only marginally less silly.

Inspector Miss Hellebore thinks about it, “Well, we should definitely keep looking for the Rookie Declan.”

Contestant Ahab says, “Dave definitely cannot throw away Teh.” His enthusiasm tails off.

Contestant Ahab nods. “Yes, lets go looking. Maybe we'll run into someone to pass this clue to.”

Inspector Miss Hellebore threads her arm through the crook of his elbow, caught up in the enthusiasm. “Wonderful! Where to?”

Contestant Ahab hooks his elbow ever so slightly tighter, returning to his more heroic self and stature. “Should we not start with Dunbernarding?”

Inspector Miss Hellebore smiles, feeling better already. She's not going to die! Nope, not today. “Oh, yes! Let's. We'll look for clues.”

Contestant Ahab, despite a stumble over a little hole, walks well-synched arm-in-arm with Cozen, out the gate, and down the little lane to The Bingo Hall.

The Rookie Emerges (Official Test Kitchen)

Cuisinier Micha stops abruptly, fist to her mouth. What. The. Hell. There is a pregnant moment of staring.

Cuisinier Micha eventually rouses herself and moves to assure herself that Declan is, indeed, here in her greenhouse. She pokes him several times.

Cuisinier Micha dashes away and into the Dining Room, returning with several feet of lace tablecloths. Hasty swathing and wrapping ensues, ending with Declan wearing several handfuls of potting soil over the cloth.

Cuisinier Micha, a grim set to her mouth, hefts her wine bottle and gives Declan a good thwack on the back of his head, ensuring he won't wake up any time soon. The stiffened rookie wobbles.

Cuisinier Micha tugs the lacey column of human hatstand into a corner, then, reconsidering, stuffs him lengthways under a potting table. She throws the gardening gloves on top.

Cuisinier Micha has a pistol. It is small, but looks much bigger when someone is staring at the muzzle. She points it at One as easy as breathing, coming through the door. “You.”

Cuisinier Micha twitches her nose and resists the urge to lick herself. The Elusive Citizen One leans against the doorframe, looking irritated and quite vexed. “Me. Unless you were talking to the cat. I doubt you'll get much out of him.”

Cuisinier Micha knows better than to take her eyes off her clannie. So she doesn't. She does wave the pistol, once, to motion One into the Greenhouse. “Why'd you do it, One? For shits and giggles?”

The Elusive Citizen One sighs with a world-weary air, but he doesn't move away from the door frame. The cat bumps into him. “Oh, goodie - a guessing game. Why did I- steal the Hope diamond? Ride Godzilla? Why did I title my first blues/funk album “Warfilms and Daguerreotypes?” Why did I perform amateur brain surgery on you with a car battery and a screwdriver?”

Cuisinier Micha puffs out an exasperated breath, clenching her paws on the pistol's handle. “Declan. He's under a table. What is he doing here? Or are you going to say you actually had nothing to do with it?”

The Elusive Citizen One scowls. “Who the hell is Declan?”

Cuisinier Micha narrows her eyes to slits. “Are you potty? The rookie hatrack. GERM's pet rookie. The one we said we kidnapped but, and this is important, didn't actually kidnap. He's over there.”

Cuisinier Micha does not look like she is enjoying today. All her fur lifts up along her back and arms, increasing the look of mania. “So I ask again, why'd you actually kidnap him? We're in trouble now.”

The Elusive Citizen One frowns and gestures towards where Micha had indicated. “What, like… over there?” The frown deepens. “Why would he be over there? Isn't he catatonic anyway?”

Cuisinier Micha closes her eyes, yowls, lifts the pistol to point straight up. She fires it, shattering the glass panel directly above her head. Scintillating shards rain and patter to the floor. Micha yowls again.

The Elusive Citizen One steps neatly forward into the falling glass, backhands the fuzzy chef, and catches her wrist, digging fingers into the nerves. When he steps back, the gun is slipping into his pocket.

Cuisinier Micha hisses and screeches, sharp intakes of angry breath as she claws at the hand on her wrist. Her tail is a bottlebrush.

The Elusive Citizen One stands just out of reach, looking faintly disgusted. “Get a hold of yourself. This is… embarassing.”

Cuisinier Micha is instantly calm. She licks her bruising wrist with slitted eyes, ears swiveled back as far as they can go. Between licks, “So I'm going to assume you didn't kidnap Declan. What do we do now?”

The Elusive Citizen One growls, “We're obviously being set up. Someone-” he pauses. “Where did you get this gun?”

Cuisinier Micha shrugs eloquently. It is a shrug that has a hint of realization that perhaps she had been hasty, but is also going to play it off like she meant to do it. “Found it in the bushes.”

The Elusive Citizen One turns and looks towards where he thinks the bushes are, mind working furiously. ”….Ah.“ He looks back at Micha. “For now, nothing. Lock the door, put up a sign.” He smiles cruelly.

The Elusive Citizen One says “Do you know what happens to curious trespassers?”

Cuisinier Micha hops neatly over the circle of shattered glass around her and shakes wildly, sending more glass flying from her fur. “Curious trespassers get blown the fuck up?” She slinks over to Declan.

The Elusive Citizen One shrugs. “I prefer them blown off at the knee so I can interrogate them with a serrated knife, BUT, either works. I'll make some preparations.”

Cuisinier Micha kneels next to the Declan bundle and hooks her claws into the lace. She rips it open and then hastily closes it again. “Can you make some preparations to fix a caved in skull? While you're at it?”

The Elusive Citizen One gives her a strained look. “I don't know. Maybe he's made of wax? You'll think of something.” He leaves hastily to acquire improvised explosives and triggering devices.

Cuisinier Micha sticks her tongue out at One, being very mature about this. Hmm. Perhaps zombie makeup and sunglasses and a hat will hide the fact that whatever Declan was, he is diminished in that capacity.

Cuisinier Micha bustles off to find a reliable shade of light green. Perhaps one of the circuses around here has greasepaint?

and quite a miracle for it to function after the EMP events
germ_coppers.txt · Last modified: 2023/11/21 18:02 by

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