Civic Ammenities in Squat Hole
Somewhere in Squat Hole
Big Su Skronky has been thinking again. Squat Hole is the Island's leading centre of culture and ideas. Everybody knows that. It's where all the other races look up to to lead the way forward. The responsibility weighs heavy on her shoulders sometimes.
Big Su Skronky however noticed that while the culture in Squat Hole is thriving, it lacks some basic civic amenities. The basic infrastructure that a modern leading metropolis like Squat Hole needs.
Big Su Skronky has realised that what Squat Hole really needs is a really good, modern, public transport system. A bus service.
Big Su Skronky sighs. It's always left up to her to organise and plan such matters. Luckily there's an old London Omnibus lying around. That will be ideal.
Big Su Skronky is aware that the bus doesn't actually go anymore. Shagnasty McAlistair, Squat Hole's own engineering genius has been working hard on it with a lump hammer. If he can't get it to go, then nobody can.
Big Su Skronky however has a cuuning way round this problem. Pull the bus with mounts. Simple. Now she just needs a driver.
Cantankerous Biggs comes past on his way back from a hard days work mugging contestants in the jungle. He was on his way to Booz for a well deserved pint or two. Little does he realise that today's work is far from over.
Big Su Skronky conscripts some other squats who happen to be passing into service as well. The bus is manhandled, er, squathandled into place in the town square at the top Brawlin' Street. A budget horse is tethered to the front.
Cantankerous Biggs sits in the drivers seat. The front window is smashed out so that he can reach the budget horse with a lash. The lash is applied liberally and the budget horse looks as if he is straining every muscle, but the bus doesn't budge. He must be faking it.
Cantankerous Biggs decides that the bus just needs a kick start. Once it gets going, then Brawlin' Street is on a hill, and that will help matters. Asbo Riley, Dunghill Green and several other squats give it a good push from behind.
Cantankerous Biggs is pleased as the bus starts moving. It picks up speed as it rolls down Brawlin' Avenue. The budget horse finds moving much easier now. Soon he is running. Soon he is decorating the front of the bus as a hood ornament.
The budget horse must really like being a hood ornament, for he is hanging on with a strength of limb which he hasn't known in many a year.
Cantankerous Biggs scowls. He always knew that the budget horse was just being idle. Look at him now! Lazing around on the front of the bus, instead of pulling it and guiding it. The bus continues accelerating.
Cantankerous Biggs is angry with the budget horse now. The bus was meant to take a left down Tosspot Lane to go round the Kakocracy district of Squat Hole. Instead it's heading on towards the west gate, where monsters are clawing at the gates, trying to get in.
Cantankerous Biggs and the bus smashes straight through the closed gates, which can now no longer be considered closed, or even existent. Along the way he has picked up Effluvia Bird who was busy harvesting timber for her stall.
Cantankerous Biggs has also picked up Mange Whittle who was manning the catapult on top of the wall. Biggs is pleased! His first two passengers already. The bus service is going to be a success!
The next day.
Big Su Skronky is having words with Cantankerous Biggs. The bus service wasn't quite such a success as he had thought. Sewage though, is an astute business squat. You don't get to be head of Squat Hole's leading business family without that sort of skill.
Big Su Skronky “Wudduya mean 'success'? The fackin bus dudunt even stup tu let pussungerz un!” Slap! “Wut surt of fackin buz survice uz thut?” Slap! “Und wurz the bus nu thun?” “Oi, er, wull, yu see…”
Big Su Skronky “Oil tull yu wur thu bus iz. Utz fackin stuck oot thur in thu muddle uv thu swamp. Thut's wur thu bus iz!” Slap! “Thut wuz a valuable buz thut wuz. Thutz cummin oot uv yer pocket thu cust uv thut bus.” A number made up on the spot.
Big Su Skronky sighs. She has to do everything herself. With the London Omnibus gone, a new vehicle must be found. She looks up and sees the catapult on the wall in its cart. Inspiration strikes. The catapults don't do much anyway.
Big Su Skronky knows that the catapults are just used by idle squats trying to find a quick way to get out to a fight. They can go out of the gates like everybody else. The cart will be used for Squat Hole's new public transport system.
Big Su Skronky decides that perhaps something more substantial than a budget horse needs to be used to pull the new bus as well. She goes off to talk to Microcephalus James in the Chop Shop about this.
Later that day.
Cantankerous Biggs has been given a second chance as bus driver. The cart has been fitted with a variety of beasts to pull it. Hikers stand next to giant teddy bears. Kierkgaard is arguing with a pope in the middle of a team of doggymorphs.
Big Su Skronky gives Biggs instructions. “Nu drive thu fackin bus sumwur sunsibul. Drive it wur yu wud wunna go. Gut thut?” Slap! Biggs indicates that he has indeed understood.
Cantankerous Biggs' timetable for the first day. 11:00 am. or thereabouts - depart from C.Biggs' home. 11:05 am. - arrive Booz for breakfast. 3:30 pm. - depart Booz. - head out into the swamp for a hard days work mugging contestants.
Cantankerous Biggs, for some reason, finds it hard to find anybody to mug today. His normal ninja like stealth doesn't seem to be working. Perhaps it's something to do with the team of teddybears, doggymorphs and others that he's driving around?
Big Su Skronky isn't happy with the situation either. No passengers have been taken on board. What could be wrong? Maybe a new route? “Roit. Yur jus gunna droive up un dun between K&S und thu bank, so pupul cun izzily gut recker tu buy food.”
Juniper wonders if Biggs may have to adjust his timetable, so that he is out when there are more contestants.
Big Su Skronky's new route still doesn't work. Squats would rather walk the short distance to and from the bank rather than pay 2 req for a bus ride. Anyway, they rarely have any recker in the bank, usually spending it all as soon as they get it.
Big Su Skronky has a brainwave. The idea of changing the timing doesn't occur to her.
Big Su Skronky's brainwave is, sell cut price booze on the bus! That's sure to get the punters in! This idea works. Word spreads through Squat Hole like wildfire. Soon squats are coming from all over town to get their cheap cider.
Juniper steps aside as a stampede of squats swarm the bus.
Cantankerous Biggs was hoping that the joker might want a ride to the bank as well, but apparently not. Just as well really since the cart is now packed high with squats and more are still trying to get on board. This is better.
Cantankerous Biggs is taking a small fortune in bus fares and Danny, who is selling the cider isn't doing too badly either, although he is spending most of his time keeping his makeshift bar in one piece in the crush, and only the squats who were first on can reach him.
Cantankerous Biggs is having problems though. The bus isn't going as fast as it was. In fact it is grinding to a halt, overladen with squats as it is.
Juniper snickers at the throng of squats, but does not feel compelled to take a ride on the …ahem…bus. She promptly disappears in a swirl of origami butterflies.
Chlamydia Skronky comes out of Booz. Business has started taking a turn for the worse. Something must be happening, and she wants to know what. At first all she can see is a swirl of origami butterflies but soon she notices a large pile of squats with a cart underneath.
Chlamydia Skronky takes a closer look. She hears stories of 'cheap cider'. She is being undersold by somebody else! This will not do! She goes wading in to make her opinions on the subject known in no uncertain terms.
Chlamydia Skronky presses her point in the manner she knows best. Asbo Riley recieves a left hook to the ear. Cider is spilt. This can only mean one thing.
Cantankerous Biggs becomes aware of a fight developing on the bus. He jumps into the fray. Some of the 'mounts' used to pull the bus take advantage of his lack of attention.
Kierkgaard and a couple of popes reach an historic religious accord and group together to untie themselves and the other 'mounts'.
Cantankerous Biggs is still fighting. In the midst of all the squat rage. Nobody notices the 'bus' starting to roll back down the hill.
Valzemodeus pokes his head out of an empty barrel aboard the mobile riot. Taking an opportunity to snatch a cider and several wallets, he jumps ship and scampers into the bushes.
The mobile riot rolls down the hill and smashes into Julia's. It bursts out the other side, now with Jessica hard at work on Ratpiss Jenkins, who's had the earth move for him like never before.
Squat Hole's travelling punch up takes out several Squat Hole shacks and acquires more squats along the way. In the following days, the squats will all agree.
A service that brings you cheap cider, a punch up, and hard core porn without you even having to get out of bed must be the very best civic amenity ever. They bet that nowhere else has a service like that.
And for once, they're right.