The Old Improbable Island Wiki

Chlamydia Skronky is busy cashing up at the end of the day. This is when Booz is quietest and it's good to take advantage of this. Soon there will be the New day rush. Suddenly a squat rushes screaming in the door.

Chlamydia Skronky knows most of the usual crowd, but doesn't recognise this squat. He runs up screaming and brandishing a baseball bat. More unknown squats are coming in behind, also screaming and laying about with a variety of weapons.

Chlamydia Skronky is about to say something, this sort of behavious is not really considered good etiquette in Squat Hole. One introduces oneself with a polite “Uz yu luckin ut moi point?” or similar before starting a fight.

Chlamydia Skronky is however jumped on from behind by two squats who have made their own entry.

Bilge and Belch McThugger lay into Chlamydia, with help from Carious. She puts up a good fight, but is overcome. Soon she has her hands tied behind her back with the twins sitting on her. The rest of the McThuggers are taking on the customers still in the bar.

Chlamydia Skronky's clientele are always up for a fight, but they have had plenty already tonight, and they're all rather drunk by now. They are easily overcome. Vulgaris McThugger is wearing thick protective clothing against her secret weapon.

Vulgaris McThugger has a bucket of hot soapy water! Well, lukewarm soapy water by now, but still. She throws it all over a knot of locals! This sort of chemical warfare is surely illegal under the terms of the Geneva Convention, but Vulgaris a determined and ruthless squat.

Chlamydia Skronky's regulars run screaming out of the bar in the face of such brutal treatment. Soon there is only the McThuggers and Chlamydia herself left.

Chlamydia Skronky is reduced to issuing threats. “Big Su wunt loik thus! Jus yu wet und see! Oim umpurtunt oi um! Shull du unythung tu gut me buck!”

Vulgaris McThugger sneers. “Oi nu! Thutz woi we gut yu! Thus ere pub, thus uz roitfully urz innit? Yu stul it uff ov uz duddunt yu? We wuntz ut buck. But nut stroit awuy! Furst we wuntz sum recker thut yu owe uz fur tekin it uff uz un thu furst place! Nu shut up!”

Chlamydia Skronky tries to reply to this, but Belch sits on her head, and it's difficult to speak with a mouthful of arse.

Vulgaris McThugger takes up a position near the window and keeps a watch out. Soon it is New Day and the door is rattled as squats returning from the Failboat try to come in for their first pint of the day.

Vulgaris McThugger has already made sure that the door is shut, bolted, and has a barricade of chairs and tables keeping it shut. Some enterprising squats try to climb in through the window but are soon repulsed.

Vulgaris McThugger doesn't have to wait long for Big Su Skronky to show up. She has a bucket of what was once hot soapy water ready, although now it is rather cold. The bucket, or its contents at any rate, gets flung out of the window, narrowly missing Sewage.

Vulgaris McThugger “Weez gut yur Chlamydia ere. Weez huldin er tu runsum loik. We wunt five mulliun recker fur er sef return.” Then, in response to Su's reply she shows her arse at the window, to demonstrate who she is.

Chlymidia Skronky shouts up from her position under Bilge McThugger, Belch being busy investigating the beer barrels. “Foiv mulliun recker? Uz thut ul? Su'd pay tun toims thut fur me! Luv thut bur alun!”

Big Su Skronky's voice can be heard at top volume from outside “Foiv mulliun recker? Fur er? Ur yu oot yur fackin moind?” Chlymidia is speechless, but not for long. “Wot dud she say?”

Vulgaris McThugger ignores Chlamydia, she is involved in serious negotiations. “Fur mulliun thun!” “Fur mulliun recker? Oi wuddunt guv yer two recker und uh bur uv sup!”

Vulgaris McThugger is taken aback. She hadn't considered this as a possible response and isn't quite sure what to do next. The initiative is suddenly taken from out of her hands.

Chlymidia Skronky “WOT DUD SHE FACKIN SAY?!?” Squat rage is up. Bilge McThugger suddenly finds himself flying through the air. “WUDDUN GUV TOO RECKER UND UH BUR UV SOAP?!?” The cords tying Chlymidia's hands are snapped and she storms over to the window.

Chlymidia Skronky shoves Vulgaris out of the way. “OI YU FACKIN SHITE! DUD YU SAY YU WUDDUN GUV TOO RUCKER UND UH BUR UV SUP?”

Various McThugger throw themselves on Chlamydia as she storms to the door and pulls down the barricade. They have no appreciable effect. Some leave Booz via the door, others via the window.

Booz is empty. But not for long. The doors burst open and in pour thirsty squats. There is nobody to serve at the bar, but the squats are clever and soon work out how to serve themselves. Almost. Usually money is collected, but this gets neglected.

If you want to read about the siege of Booz from the perspective of Squat Hole town square, then go here.
If you want to go back and read about other events in Squat Hole, then go here.