The Old Improbable Island Wiki

Sewage Skronky stands in Squat Hole town square and stares at the bank. This has always been something of an irritation. Inside the bank - large piles of requisition. Outside the bank - lots of noble, hardworking squats. Backbone of the Island.

Sewage Skronky knows that the squats toil night and day, working their fingers to the bone just to be able to afford their fags and booze, often without enough left over to feed their kids. Shocking! All that requisition inside the bank should be going outside.

Sewage Skronky also knows that the squats, in their industrious way, have put a lot of effort into trying to correct the situation. Why, barely a day goes by without three, four, or even more attempts to redistribute the req in a more equitable way.

Sewage Skronky shakes her head sadly as she recalls the sad ends that these attempts come to. This just isn't right. Something must be done. The req must be shared out fairly.¹⁾ And she's the squat to sort it out. She stands there watching the bank and thinking. Then she turns on her heel and strides out. She needs to make a plan, and organise the relevant squats.

Time passes.

Ernest Calvi looks out of the bank suspiciously. He's been working as manager of the Squat Hole branch of the Bank of Improbable for long enough that he is attuned to the rhythm and flow of life in the Hole. And he can tell that trouble's brewing. Perhaps its the gangs of squats hanging around trying to look casual, but stealing surreptitious glances at the bank almost constantly.

Maybe its the way that the defence catapults have been brought down, and now happen to be pointing bankwards. Whatever it is, Ernest is being careful. Ever since a daring heist in Improbable Central, the Squat Hole branch has only had half of the banks security budget. He ensures that the guards are alert and ready to shut and bolt the doors at a moments notice.

Sewage Skronky arrives back in Squat Hole town square. The preparations are ready. Now it just takes the starting gun. She eyes a particularly large knot of squats, and shouts “NOW!” The knot springs into action and charges towards the bank. Sewage Skronky watches as the bank doors are quickly shut and bolted. The squats crash into the four inch thick security doors and start battering away at them. She expected this, and looks to Booz where a secret weapon is waiting. She gives the signal. “GIT!”

Cantankerous Biggs and Scumbelly Perkins are waiting in the pub with a group of other squats and a tree trunk. They are waiting for the signal from Sewage, but while they're here and waiting, they might as well get a pint in. The squats get stuck into their pints and fail to notice the signal coming from Sewage.

Cantankerous Biggs finally hears Sewage's shout coming in from outside. They quickly down the remainder of their pints and go to pick up the tree trunk/battering ram. Once they're arranged round this they start running for the door. Cantankerous Biggs, a battering ram and Scumbelly Perkins are too much to fit through the door at once. Both squats push to try to direct themselves through the door. As a result both squats crash into the stakes holding up the roof. A fight results.

Sewage Skronky waits. Nothing comes out of Booz. She scowls and shouts again. “GIT!” still nothing.

Sewage Skronky gives up on the battering ram in the pub. She'll look into that later. Instead she decides to bring the catapults into play. She gives Mange Whittle the Squat Hole master catapulteer a decisive wave. The first squat climbs into the catapult.

Sewage Skronky watches satisfied as Turpitude Carmichael is fired at the bank and another squat climbs into the catapult cup. Soon there is a barrage of squats fired in the general direction of the bank, flying over, past and occasionally at, the bank.

Sewage Skronky sees first one, and then another squat land on the bank roof and start hacking at it with their weapons, trying to gain entry. RatsPiss Jenkins goes flying over the top and comes crashing down on the other side.

Dogend and Thuggins Skronky are creeping up behind the bank with the ultimate secret weapon. Forty three barrels of gunpowder. They are suddenly hit by a flying RatsPiss Jenkins. “Oi yu fackin twat, wot tha fack du ya thunk yer up to?” Testicles O'Brian narrowly misses them.

The squats with the battering ram have finally finished their fight. They comes charging out of Booz with the battering ram. They're pissed now, and have forgotten what they were meant to be doing. Instead they go charging over to K&S for a kebab.

Sewage Skronky screams. “Oi yu fackin wankers! Wot tha fack do yu thunk yur doin? Yer munt tu be avin at thu bunk!” Biggs, Scumbelly Perkins and the rest freeze at the sound of the voice. Remembering what they were meant to be doing, they turn round.

Sewage Skronky shouts at the knot of squats still hammering away at the bank doors to let the battering ram through. Unfortunately her voice is drowned out by the sound of Dogend and Thuggins blowing themselves up with forty three barrels of gunpowder.

Cantankerous Biggs and Scumbelly and the rest go charging into the scrum at the bank doors, knocking squats out of the way and missing the doors entirely. The knocked over squats knock back, and soon a fight is in progress.

Ernest Calvi is worried. They've been lucky so far, but that can't be counted on lasting. Its only a matter of time. He has an idea, and, going to an upstairs window, throws a handful of req tokens over the crowd.

Cantankerous Biggs and Scumbelly stop as their attention is caught by the flying req tokens glinting in the sunlight. So do the squats fighting them, and Mange Whittle, even Dunghill Green, in mid catapult flight forgets everything but the flashing req.

Cantankerous Biggs, Scumbelly Perkins, Mange Whittle and almost a hundred other squats are all captivated by the sight of req. Their autonomous 'chase req' systems kick in. Hands start grasping towards the req, shouts of “Mine” and “I saw it first” fill the air.

Sewage Skronky watches horrified as the squat bank fighting force stops fighting the bank, and descends into a riot over the handful of req. Earnest heaves a sigh of relief, he's saved the day. He won't open the bank again today though.

See here for more tales of Squat Hole.