(Back to The Improbable Island Irregulars)
(Back to Kidnapped)

The Telegrams

Lieutenant Teh Dave is returned to town by Failors, and thanks them for dropping him back here instead of, y'know, the outpost he was close to.

Lieutenant Teh Dave brushes some snow off his coat, which is quickly replaced by more drifting off of the mountain to the south.

Lieutenant Teh Dave spots a rather odd collection of tracks from the oil puddles. “Huh. . ..”

Abundantly Ari backs out of the alley again, eyes focused on the ground

Lieutenant Teh Dave scritches his chin. “What was I doing out here again?” as he spots a familiar cart-track. “Oh, calli was here.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave follows the tracks towards an alleyway, not paying attention to where he's going.

Abundantly Ari backs straight into a large obstacle and shoots right up spinning and pointing “kidna-a-a-pper?” when the suspect is identifed the declaration trails off into a question

Lieutenant Teh Dave Ack!s and flails his arms about. “Call. . .wait. . .Ari?”

Abundantly Ari tilts her head “Dave? You didn't kidnap Calli right?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave pauses, ponders a moment, scritches his ear, then shakes his head. “Not to my knowledge. . .”

Miss Hellebore says, “Maybe you did do it and now don't remember.” Her nose is buried in a book. She's been sitting on this old radiator the whole time. How strange.

Abundantly Ari blinks at Cozen “where did you come from? Have you seen Calli?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave 's ear flicks at Hellebore and he shakes his head. “Dunno. Normally I'd remember things like that

Miss Hellebore looks over the pages of her book at Ari. “Yes. But it was several days ago. Not today, if that's the question.” “She turns back to the book, “Have you often kidnapped Miss Calli, Mr Dave?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave ponders. “Not calli, I think. Just Rat.”

Abundantly Ari nods “and we were villains then, detectives aren't supposed to kidnap but villains are” somehow she has switched from questioning Dave to defending

Miss Hellebore says, “Well, then. I guess you know who did it.” She turns a page in her book.

Abundantly Ari frowns uncertainly “um no, do you maybe know?”

Miss Hellebore says, “Well. It was clearly a villain, wasn't it? Do you know any villains?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave ponders. “At the moment? None really.”

Abundantly Ari ponders “only Whistle but Johnson says he isn't a villian”

Miss Hellebore frowns, “I don't know if he's a villain. He is certainly a scoundrel. How do we know she isn't just around?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave ponders a moment. “Y'know. . .we don't. . .who said she was kidnapped?”

Abundantly Ari says “her irregulars said she was kidnapped, they are searchin for her and I said I would investigate only there isn't much that is clue like here cause of the snow and all the irregulars”

Lieutenant Teh Dave nodnods. “Ah. . .well they're investigators too, right?”

Miss Hellebore says, “Maybe you could send her a telegram.”

Abundantly Ari nods “yep”

Abundantly Ari grows puzzled “don't you have to know where they are holding her to do that?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave thinks. “How would it find her if we don't know where she is?”

Miss Hellebore snaps her book closed. “Telegrams always find the person, don't they? So you could just ask her if she's been kidnapped.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave grins. “Good point. Who do we use to send a telegram?”

Miss Hellebore grins brightly, “The Comms Tent, I would think.”

Abundantly Ari is intrigued “do they really always find people?”

Miss Hellebore says, “They wouldn't be a telegram if they didn't.” She supposes. Conjectures. Thinks. Opines.

Abundantly Ari grins “they should be detectives then!”

Miss Hellebore blinks, “They can't! Those are mutually exclusive.” Probably.

Lieutenant Teh Dave ponders. “Conflict of interest, probably.”

Abundantly Ari frowns “oh, well could we bring some in for questioning?”

Miss Hellebore says, “Some. . . telegrams?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave nods. “They have a tendency to talk under pressure.”

Abundantly Ari shakes her head “no the telegram sender people”

Miss Hellebore thinks on that, “I suppose. . . we could do give it. . . a try.”

Abundantly Ari nods “if they know where Callia is that makes them like accessories which means they can be questioned.. I think”

Miss Hellebore says, “You think so?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave nods. “At the very least, they have cameras.” He hops to his feet (he sat down at some point, so he could hop to his feet dramatically at this moment) and starts stalking towards the Comms Tent.

Abundantly Ari nods “I'm pretty sure the rules say so” and she treks after Dave

Miss Hellebore stands, brushing out her skirts, and follows him. Not entirely sure about this.

Abundantly Ari may be over confident considering the general outcome of her efforts at questioning but she has lots of backup so she bounces into the tent unconcerned

Lieutenant Teh Dave wonders how he got elected leader of this little expedition. He walks over to the Comms Tent and knocks on the flap.

Miss Hellebore stands behind Dave, trying to look serious and laconic.

Lieutenant Teh Dave clearly was mistaken about his “leader” status. He follows Ari sheepishly.

Miss Hellebore nudges Dave and elects to stand next to him. But still properly aloof. She peers down at the Comms Tent employees.

Abundantly Ari thinks Dave is a natural leader, plus she has a hunch that the Comms people are rather scared of him

Lieutenant Teh Dave passes the nudge along to the deerhunter-topped chief inspector.

Lieutenant Teh Dave finds himself shoved to the forefront, and sputters for a moment. “Ahm. . .er. . .we were wondering. . .if we could send a Telegram!”

Abundantly Ari supposes she should have stalked in but. . . she doesn't stalk well without her tail

Miss Hellebore says, “Yes. Subpoenas. We have subpoenas.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave nods. “And superpoenas, if you prefer.” The robot manning (so to speak) the Comms tent gives the three a rather blank beep.

Abundantly Ari nods knowingly, “so you better tell us what you know!”

Miss Hellebore asks, “Can we see them, now?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave nodnods in agreement with Cozen. The robot buzzes at them. “See what?”

Miss Hellebore huffs, “The telegrams!”

Abundantly Ari nods “to Callia!” wait what?

Lieutenant Teh Dave nods. The Robot buzzes again, seems to tilt its head. “You mean Calliaphone?” It almost sounds afraid to say the name.

Miss Hellebore sighs, “Oh good. You know her. Yes, we need Miss Calliaphone's telegrams, please.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave nods. “Yeah, can we see her. . .wait. . .” He scritches an ear, then turns to Cozen and Ari. “Aren't we trying to find her?”

Miss Hellebore shrugs. She doesn't even understand what they're doing any more.

Abundantly Ari blinks and nods “yeah I think so, cause she is kidnapped, thats what Alfred said”

Lieutenant Teh Dave turns back to the Robot. “Uhhh. . .you know where she went?” The robot looks about. “You're. . .looking for her?” It buzzes confusedly.

Abundantly Ari nodnods “yep we are! You seen anything fishy?” she tries for intimidating

Miss Hellebore adjusts her spectacles and sneers at the robot. She's not very intimidating so she's trying for superiority.

Abundantly Ari recieves a blank look from the robot “negative” she turns to Dave and whispers “how do you tell when they are hiding things when they have no emotions?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave grins winningly at the robot, which buzzes at them. “Why. . .that devil woman. . .why would you. . .” Its head tilts curiously.

Miss Hellebore gasps, “Devil woman? Miss Calliaphone? She's so nice.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave snickers. The robot buzzes at Hellebore. “She. . .tried taking me apart!”

Abundantly Ari peers at Dave, he is good,

Miss Hellebore says, scoffing, “I'm sure she was just helping out.”

Abundantly Ari nodnods “she likes machinery, saved a toaster, she would have put you back I bet”

Abundantly Ari frowns at the rather explicit reply from the robot “I thought you were supposed to not be all emotional!”

Lieutenant Teh Dave snnnrk&s loudly as the Robot buzzes at Ari. “I'm. . .afraid of her.” It's shaking.

Lieutenant Teh Dave snnnrks loudly as the Robot buzzes at Ari. “I'm. . .afraid of her.” It's shaking.

Abundantly Ari blinks and giggles “Calli doesn't hurt anyone, don't worry about that sort of thing!”

Miss Hellebore nudges Dave, “Then. . . then you'd better tell us where she is. Isn't that right, Mr Dave? So we can keep her from coming back here?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave nodnods happily. “Yep. We can convince her you're just fine.” The robot glances around nervously. “You. . .you can do that?”

Abundantly Ari nods “as long as you tell us how to find her, otherwise she might come back uninformed”

Lieutenant Teh Dave leans in to the Robot. “Yep. If we can't find her, we can't tell her, can we?” The robot looks around nervously, then buzzes as if clearing its throat. “Last I saw, she was looking for someone

Miss Hellebore asks, “Someone? Oh dear, you'll need to be far more specific than that.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave nudges the Robot, who continues. “It was probably the large group of children she's been traveling with.”

Abundantly Ari nods “do you know who? which way did she go? was she followed?”

Miss Hellebore nods, “Or if there were any telegrams?”

Abundantly Ari adds “or where we could send one”?

Miss Hellebore says, “Oh, yes. Then we'll be able to find her.” She gives the robot a hopeful smile.

Lieutenant Teh Dave nodnods, and the Robot buzzes at them. “She went that way.” It points. “And as far as I know, no one following, no telegrams. If you want to send one, I can arrange it.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave listens as the Robot points. “That way, no, I can send one.” It doesn't add “and you'll tell her to not to take me apart, right?”

Miss Hellebore smiles, “Oh, yes. Thank you.”

Abundantly Ari looks to the other two “so what do we telegram then?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave tries to find the Telegram Sending Form, and the Robot pushes him out of the way to dig through the files and hand it to Cozen. “There you go.”

Miss Hellebore begins dictating. “Miss Calliaphone. Err. . . Stop. Have you been kidnapped? (Stop.) If so, where? (Stop.) Miss Hellebore, Mr Dave and Missus Ari. (Stop)

Lieutenant Teh Dave takes the form and scribbles the telegram message onto it. He passes it to the Robot, who peers at it. “I can't read this. . .”

Miss Hellebore gasps, “They didn't program you to read?”

Miss Hellebore frowns, “That's so unfortunate.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave takes the telegram form and peers at it. “Oh. . .wait. . .” “No, I can read. He can't write.” Dave grins goofily, and finds another form. This time he writes much neater.

Abundantly Ari beams “that will work! Then she can tell us where to save her from. . . would this work on Declan? Can he read or anything? Do coatracks accept telegrams?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave ponders, and peers at the Robot. It shrugs. “I don't recognize the name.”

Miss Hellebore says, “We could certainly give it a try.” She turns to the robot, “We have a second telegram to send.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave ponders. “I don't know if it'll work?” The robot shrugs and hands Cozen another form. “I can have it sent out, but I'm not sure it'll get there.”

Miss Hellebore writes a swirly note to Declan, that is pleasant and informative and asks him to tea.

Abundantly Ari peers at the telegram “didja ask if he was stolen?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave peers at the note Cozen is writing. “He won't be able to read that either. . .” He scritches an ear. “Has to be more regular and all. . .”

Miss Hellebore says, “Oh yes of course. Were you stolen? By whom? Please let us know. We miss you.”

Miss Hellebore peers at the robot, “But I have fantastic penmanship.”

Abundantly Ari nods “look at it, its pretty and swirly and everything!”

Lieutenant Teh Dave nodnods. The robot scoffs. “I can't scan those though. Too loopy and swirly.”

Miss Hellebore frowns, “How about I just dictate it to the illiterate robot?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave gives the robot a shrug, and it returns with what could be a plaintive look and a sigh. It nods to Cozen. “Go ahead.”

Jon Bishop shuffles into the outpost, a ball of crap meat in his hand. He stares at one of the fatty bits. This means he is staring at the entire ball, as all crap meat is a fatty bit.

Miss Hellebore says, “To the Rookie Declan. (Stop) We've not formally been introduced. (Stop) I'm Miss Cozen Hellebore, one of the GERMans that employ you as a coatrack. (Stop) I'd love to invite you to tea. . .”

Lieutenant Teh Dave pokes his head out of the comms tent and waves at Bish. The robot takes the Telegram down, tapping out on its console.

Miss Hellebore continues, “Some time. (Stop.) Also, were you stolen? (Stop) By whom? (Stop) Please let us know. (Stop) We miss you. (Stop) Miss Cozen O. Hellebore (Stop)”

Lieutenant Teh Dave pipes up. “And Dave. (Stop) You'll remember the white lab coat.”

Jon Bishop lifts a brow, dropping the meat. He lugs over to the tent. “What are we stopping?”

Miss Hellebore waves, “Hello, Mr Bishop. We're writing telegrams.”

Abundantly Ari jumps in too “and Ari!(stop) I never hung anything on you though (stop)”

Lieutenant Teh Dave nodnods at Bish. The robot looks up and almost whines. Not another one of that strange screwdriver-wielding woman's friends.

Jon Bishop thinks on this. “Well you're not going to get answers out of anyone with language like that.”

Miss Hellebore looks affronted, “I have impeccable language, thank you very much.”

Abundantly Ari turns to Bish “hi, what would you say?”

Jon Bishop questions. “Well uh, who are you looking for?”

Miss Hellebore says, “Miss Calliaphone and the Rookie Declan.”

Abundantly Ari counts on her fingers “Callia and Declan”

Abundantly Ari glances at Cozen and nod, turning back to Bishop “yes, them”

Jon Bishop nods. “Hm. Okay.” He coughs. “Calliaphone. (Stop.) Declan. (Stop.) Get the fuck back here! (Stop.)”

Abundantly Ari hmms “that could work, except is they were kidnapped”

Miss Hellebore gasps, her heart palpitating. “Mr Bishop!”

Lieutenant Teh Dave raises a hand. “Well, Declan was kidnapped. Calli we're still up in the air about. . .” The robot raises its hand, but Dave silences it with a thwap upside the head.

Jon Bishop looks to Cozen, confused. “What?”

Abundantly Ari tsks Dave

Lieutenant Teh Dave looks sheepish.

Abundantly Ari grins and gives him a kiss, cause he is cute sheepish

Miss Hellebore whispers harshly, “No coarse language.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave is kissed! He likes kisses. He grins at Cozen. “Aww, but it'd be like home for Declan.” And calli, really.

Jon Bishop snorts. “B-but. It adds emphasis.”

Miss Hellebore huffs, “Improper.”

Jon Bishop looks around. “Improper to what? There isn't exactly some governing force here.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave snnnrks. The robot peers at Cozen. “So, what are you trying to send here?”

Miss Hellebore flutters her hands, “Oh fine. Just. . . just send them all. Alright?”

Abundantly Ari grins “and sign Bish's as from Bish cause then they will know that we all care!”

Lieutenant Teh Dave nodnods, and the Robot buzzes as if sighing. It turns to its equipment. “And you tell the screwdriver woman to leave me alone?” Its hand hovers over the “send” key.

Abundantly Ari nodnods “of course, we will tell her you work just fine”

Lieutenant Teh Dave nodnods in agreement and gives Ari a squeeze. The robot buzzes another sigh and hits send. “Alright. Can you go now?”

Abundantly Ari beams at the robot “thank you very much for your help!”

Miss Hellebore nods at the Robot. “Thank you. And perhaps I'll send along a literacy book, alright?”

Abundantly Ari heads out of the comm tents tugging along Dave and waving to the very emotional robot

Lieutenant Teh Dave yawns as he's tugged out of the comms tent.

Lieutenant Teh Dave stifles the yawn with some coffee, and looks about, frowning. “But seriously. . .what did I come up here for?”

Miss Hellebore heads out after them. “So. Now we wait.”

Abundantly Ari shrugs “to find Calli?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave nodnods. “And hopefully she can find someone to read the telegram to her. And Declan.”

Jon Bishop follows after them. “Huh. How do you plan to get the telegram to them, exactly?”

Abundantly Ari points back to the tent “he said he would have them delivered”

Lieutenant Teh Dave shrugs at Bishop. “They'll send it from the Comms Tent. We promised to tell calli not to try and disassemble the comms tent robot.”

Abundantly Ari never would have thought in a million years that Callia could be used for intimidation purposes

Jon Bishop grumbles. “Urgh..Anyone have pain meds..anything like that?”

Miss Hellebore says, “It's science, Mr Bishop. No one understand how science works.”

Miss Hellebore blinks, “Are you alright?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave scowls at Cozen. “I do, mostly. If I can remember my classes.”

Abundantly Ari shakes her head “nope, nothing like that, might have some herbs but I don't know what does what”

Jon Bishop looks to Cozen. “I don't know. I think they teach people it.” He pauses at the question. “They're uh, for. Merlin, yeah.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave raises an eyebrow at Bishop. “Something wrong with Merlin?”

Jon Bishop presses his fingers together. “Oh uh, yeah! I mean no. It's fine.”

Miss Hellebore digs through her picnic basket, hopefully. “Oh dear. I hope she's alright.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave peers at Bish, trying to piece together what he means.

Jon Bishop grabs at his back briefly. “Owww..uh, So do you guys have anything or not?”

Miss Hellebore ahas and pulls out a small clear vial, “Will this work?”

Jon Bishop scans closely. “What's it do?”

Miss Hellebore says, “Well. . . it's laudanum.”

Miss Hellebore 's vial is full of a reddish brown liquid.

Lieutenant Teh Dave 's ears perk up. “Laudanum? Got any more? There's a really skittish Confettitail I've been trying to catch.”

Miss Hellebore digs in her picnic basket more. She peers in, “Hmm, no. But I have this.” She pulls out a little bag full of green leafy flakes and hands it to Dave.

Jon Bishop holds out a hand. “Can I-she use it?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave peers at the bag and opens it curiously, proving that much like a certain Coyotemorph, he's probably easy to poison. He sniffs at the contents of the bag.

Abundantly Ari looks at flakes “it looks like something the bunny would like even, it will make him easy to catch?”

Miss Hellebore hands the vial to Bishop, “Oh of course.”

Jon Bishop squints. “Ergh. It uh, have a dose?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave chews on the bag thoughtfully. Teh leans its feather over its brim and peers at Dave. It produces its sign at Cozen. “His pupils are dilating. . .” Dave paws at Teh, giggling, the bag in his teeth

Miss Hellebore shrugs, “A dropper full every few hours should help Missus Bishop.”

Abundantly Ari frowns at Dave “thats for the bunny I think”

Miss Hellebore looks at Teh and then Dave, “Ermmm. . .” She looks back at the picnic basket as though silently asking it what was in the bag?

Jon Bishop slips through the gate. “I have to uh, go to the bathroom.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave grins around the bag at Ari. “Hallllloooooo Arrriiiiii.” He bounces over slightly-sideways towards her and nuzzles her chin. Teh takes the opportunity to scoot onto her head. Where it's safer.

Abundantly Ari hasn't been following this very well but she digs in her bag and pulls out a small bag of cookies “cookies will help Merlin feel better! Here” she holds them out to Bish “and you too”

Miss Hellebore blinks, “Mr. . . Ermm. . . Mr Dave? Are you okay?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave ooooooohs at the cookies and sniffs at the bag. He's still chewing the other bag.

Abundantly Ari holds the back up high, not handy when she is shorter then Dave but. . . “Hello Dave, these are for Bish and Merlin”

Jon Bishop slips back in through the gate. “Woah..”

Lieutenant Teh Dave 's eyes follow the bag, then he seems to realize Cozen asked him a question. He sidles slightly wobbly-ly over to Cozen and sniffs at her. Unfortunately he's still holding the bag in his teeth.

Abundantly Ari tosses the cookies at Bish “for you!”

Lieutenant Teh Dave finishes the contents of the bag and drops the empty paper. He sniffs at Cozen and nuzzles at her shoulder. “Hrm?”

Jon Bishop scrambles to catch them. “Woah! I get cookies too?! Cool!”

Abundantly Ari nodnods “I baked them and you are hurt and I thought you and Merlin would like cookies”

Abundantly Ari peers at Dave “Cozen he ate all the stuff for the confetti tail, is it okay for kitties?”

Miss Hellebore shoves Dave off of her, “No nuzzling! No! Bad kitty!”

Miss Hellebore frowns, “I'm. . . I'm not sure. I don'

Miss Hellebore says, “I'm not sure! I don't know what was in the bag.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave stumbles back, arms flailing. He falls on his back, giggling and pawing at the air.

Abundantly Ari turns back to Dave uncertainly “well it wasn't poison at least”

Jon Bishop bites his lip when catching a sight of Dave. “Eww. Uh, I think it's time for me to go.”

Abundantly Ari giggles “and he's cute”

Miss Hellebore glares at her picnic basket. “That was truly unnecessary! You shouldn't have done that.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave peers up at Cozen, head tilting. “Mew?” Teh nearly drops its sign in shock.

Abundantly Ari waves to Bish, her attention focused on Dave, she kneels and extends a hand “hear kitty, kitty, kitty” this is very odd, what with the kitty being her husband and all

Miss Hellebore covers her hat, worried that the feathers are drawing Dave's gaze.

Lieutenant Teh Dave turns his dilated gaze to Ari and sniffs at her hand. He bats at it playfully.

Abundantly Ari giggles at Dave and swats back

Miss Hellebore asks, “Is this some. . . sort of. . . thing with the two of you?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave 's hat peers at Cozen and recovers its sign. “Not as far as I've seen. . .Don't think I've ever seen him like this. . .what did you give him?”

Abundantly Ari looks up at Cozen puzzled “a thing?”

Miss Hellebore shrugs, “I don't know! Some leafy green. . . thing.” She gasps, “You don't think it was some sort of. . . of. . . substance do you?”

Abundantly Ari: it was something odd, Dave is never like this

Lieutenant Teh Dave Mews at Ari and paws at her leg.

Miss Hellebore says, “Oh no! I'm very sorry, Mr Dave!” She carefully pats him on the back.

Abundantly Ari pats Dave's head “do you want to go home to bed?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave Mrwawrs up at Cozen and purrs at her.

Lieutenant Teh Dave 's attention is immediately turned to Ari's headpatting, and he nuzzles her hand.

Miss Hellebore makes a noise that sounds suspiciously like “Nyaagh!” And recoils.

Lieutenant Teh Dave realizes the patting has stopped, and starts batting at Ari's skirt hem, Myawing.

Abundantly Ari grins up at Cozen “he's cute”

Abundantly Ari scritches behind his ears

Lieutenant Teh Dave dissolves into a puddle of purring at Ari's feet.

Abundantly Ari kisses the top of his head “lets go home and you can sleep whatever this is off okay?”

Lieutenant Teh Dave responds with another purr and a nuzzle against Ari's neck. He stumbles to his feet slowly and leans on Ari's shoulder, nuzzling her neck. He seems incapable of speech right now.

Abundantly Ari wraps her arms around Dave “I'm gonna go take Dave home Cozen, goodnight and thank you for drafting the teleographs, you are a good writer”

Miss Hellebore says, “Oh, not at all, Missus Ari. Good luck with. . . everything. Goodnight, Mr Dave.”

Miss Hellebore whispers to Teh, “And especially good luck to you, Mr Teh.”

Lieutenant Teh Dave purrs Cozenward, nuzzling Ari. Teh waggles its feather at Cozen and spins its sign around. “Whatever you did to Dave, do it more often. He's less annoying like this.”

Abundantly Ari nodnods “goodnight!” and she heads southward

Lieutenant Teh Dave is dragged along.

Abundantly Ari swats at Teh as she goes

Lieutenant Teh Dave is dragged along, purring loud enough to shake snow off of scrapheaps.

Miss Hellebore waves goodbye to the pair. . . er. . . the group and eventually begins packing up her own stuff.

Miss Hellebore whistles off key and makes her way south out of the gates

(Back to Kidnapped)
(Forward to Search Parties)