A dark shadowy figure creeps down Capitalism Avenue. Who could it be? A closer look reveals a very small, very smelly figure with a piece of rope dangling down from the back of its trousers.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs (for it is he), is also wearing a cat mask and a T-shirt with “Cul Sprung” written on the back in large, rather messy letters.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has been sent on a mission by Impudencia Skronky. Impudencia has a problem with Mutated Munchies. It's a thorn in her side. People go there to eat instead of coming to Kebabs 'N' Shite.
Impudencia Skronky can't understand quite why they might, the food at K'n'S is clearly of a far higher quality, at least two litres of grease with every meal, and cheaper too! But for whatever reason, they do.
Impudencia Skronky has sought advice from an outside source, who suggested possible improvements to K'n'S (and there's always room for improvement, even with a high quality place like that).
Impudencia Skronky has instigated said improvements, but was also advised “Burn the whole thing to the ground. I'm sure all of the Island will cheer alongside you as it is set ablaze.”
Impudencia Skronky didn't realise that this was actually referring to K'n'S, and read it as referring to Mutated Munchies. She has decided to follow the advice.
Impudencia Skronky had tried a different tack, sending a group of Skronky Pot Protectors Society officers to trash the place, but this didn't work.
Impudencia Skronky's group got sidetracked and ended up in a fight with some GERM members instead by mistake. So she has adopted a new tactic.
Impudencia Skronky has seen another advantage to her new plan. She can shift the blame elsewhere, frame the Cool Spring Cafe owners, then the Munchies is down, The Cool Spring takes the rap.
Impudencia Skronky and K'n'S end up smelling of shite! Two birds with one stone. It takes a squat to think of something as cunning as that.
Wasp Skronky, the Skronky's spy master has appointed Cantankerous Biggs, one of the elite S.P.P.S. officers to the job.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has been issued with all the standard gear. His normal mount, Dog the doggymorph, has been left at home, and instead he has the Skronky's supercharged zombie donkey.
The Skronky's zombie donkey has been fed an exclusive diet of month old brussels sprouts for the last fortnight, and now has flatulence which is a weapon in itself. But this is just a side effect.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs need only strink a lighter close to the mount's rear end, and it will become 'jet propelled', and achieve record breaking speeds.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has also been given some other standard equipment. A brick with a rope tied round it, to gain entry to high windows, and an old cider bottle full of panthzer tank fuel to start the fire with.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs knows that, as sophisticated and useful as this kit is, they can easily be passed off as harmless items that anyone might have on them.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs can explain the 'brick on a rope' by claiming that he was on his way to help a friend build a house, and as for the cider bottle, well? Who doesn't carry a bottle of cider round with them?
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs rides his zombie donkey down an alley to the back of Mutated Muchies, and up to a window. He takes his brick on a rope and throws it up into the window.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is an experienced operative and knows to keep hold of the other end of the rope. After a few tries the brick catches on the window frame and holds.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs starts to climb up the rope. After swinging about somewhat however, the brick comes loose, and it all falls down, brick, rope, and Biggs. He tries again.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is nothing if not tenacious, and he tries many times before giving up and moving the zombie donkey into place to climb on to gain access to the window.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is inside! He takes out his cider bottle and is about to start dowsing the place in panthzer fuel when he notices some food left in a cool place. No point in letting it go to waste.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs sits down and helps himself to a meal of magical mystery meatloaf and noodly noodles. “Gah, thur rubbry und orrid!” he says to himself, not realising that they're meant to be cooked first.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs eats his fill however, he was pretty hungry having ridden all the way from Squat Hole in the middle of the night. The food fills his stomach and he starts feeling quite drowsy.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs decides to just have a quick nap, and then he'll get on with the job in hand. Within minutes he is fast asleep.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs “Zzzzzz.”
Time Passes.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs “Zzzzzz.”
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is still asleep when the morning comes and the day staff come in to start work. “What! Who's this? There's someone sleeping in the cafe!” cries Ichabod the chef as he comes in.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs awakes with a start. “Wut? Wur um oi? Wuts appnin?” he remembers where he is and what he's meant to be doing. Setting fire to the cafe and framing the Cool Spring Kittymorhs.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is a quick thinking squat. That's why he is chosen for this sort of job. “I, um, er, meuw meuw, er purr er, I loik scritchies!” he cries jumping up, onto a chair, a table, and out the window.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs jumps onto the back of his zombie donkey and holds a lighter to the rear end. he is still half asleep, and simulataneously takes a swig from his cider bottle, forgetting what it is for the moment.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs soon remembers! “AHHHH!!!!” he cries, breathing fire. The zombie donkey is issuing blue flame itself, and is going like shit off a shiny shovel, but the steering is a bit off.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs and his zombie donkey are swerving all over the place, “AAAGGGHHH!!!” as the donkey tears down Oppression Street and crashes into Nightmare Court.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs' momentum is enough to keep him going as the donkey comes to an abrupt halt. He goes flying into the door.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs flies straight past the mutant guardian “Welcom…Oh!” and straight into the room of nightmares. The now familiar sound of “AAAGGGHHH!!!” issues forth.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs, half asleep and ill prepared, has to fight his worst nightmares. “Guv moi buck moi fookin wullet! Yu fookin shite eaded fackin shitey wanker yu!” can be heard from within the court.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs screams catch the attention of Cuthbert, passing by on his way to open the Academy for the day, who pauses to take notes for his Course Insults lessons.
Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs finally come limping out of the door. Mutated Munchies is still standing, and the zombie donkey is long since gone. He knows that he'll get in trouble for this with the Skronkys.
For more stories concerning squats, see here.