Zeroth in a series of zero.

A stout fellow with a dark bushy beard swinging 175 lbs. of Unabridged OED by a wide leather strap. Decanted at Alpha Complex, rose through the ranks to become Moptimizer and Chief Troubleshooter. Then made a teeny mistake.

He sometimes appears slow-witted, but it's a literal slowness, as though he suffers from a slight time-dilation. His sense of smell is unparalleled amongst bipeds. Has a tendency to try to eat things which it wouldn't ordinarily occur to most people to try to eat. This serves him in good stead on the Island.

Motto: “Cake aut Mori.”

Appearance: Is normal height but quite wide and very strong. Weighs a lot more than you'd think. Dark brown eyes with a piercing gaze. Bald on top, gray hair around the edges, and has a bushy, dark-brown beard going gray. A snake is tattooed around his upper left arm, and there is a tattoo of an empty set in a discreet location. No scars at all. Wears reading glasses when his current armor can't provide the necessary magnification.

His Hat is extremely elaborate, though it is no longer the most impressive hat on the Island. He can sometimes be heard talking to it, addressing it by the rather unimaginative name “Hat”. At other times, he may seem to be talking to it, but will actually be addressing a largish spider who lives in the Hat. Her name is Mrs. Robinson, and she was won in a punning contest late last year.

Accomplishments:

• Won a punning contest late last year.

• Married the improbably gorgeous threemilechild in an uncommon display of common sense.

• Holds the current world record for having owned (and, er, destroyed) the largest number of complete sets of the Oxford English Dictionary, Second Edition.

• Defeated and devoured His Future Self on several occasions. On one occasion, had enough leftovers to make one wide leather strap.