In what might be a pre-cursor to the up-coming Island Games sports carnival, now known as The Islympics, the Common Grounds was the venue today for the Inaugural Island Golf Tournament.¹⁾ The event was a fabulous day out for sports fans, and was made all the better by being unfettered by rules, equipment, a golf course, referees, scorekeepers or any shared understanding of the game at all.

The team captains, distinguished primarily by the wearing of conspicuous hats rather than skill or experience in the game of cricket, football or golf (any one of which would have been useful on the day) set the game off to a chaotic start which quickly disintegrated from there. Both captains employed novel tactics, tidy dance steps and hitherto unseen player placement in this epic match.

Both teams included a number of players, although nobody was quite sure exactly what the number was, and it may well have changed in the course of the game. A number of gophers were conscripted to play independently of the teams, because it seemed like a good idea at the time.²⁾ No players were reported dead or seriously injured, and none needed surgery after the match that hadn't needed it before. The game did finally end, although once again there is some doubt about when that actually occurred.

Your correspondent, having missed the first half of the match, was designated the scorekeeper, which he was only made aware of at the conclusion of the match. Deciding that the consensus of loud voices were more likely to be correct than the others, the outcome was awarded as they dictated. After a close and hard fought game, Syn was declared winner of the 1st Island Golf Tournament, with a margin of 3 farnarkles to the oppositions 2 grommets. So the series, possibly already concluded, stands at Teams: zero each, and Gophers: one.

Of particular delight to an enthusiastic crowd of one spectator was the introduction during game play of both food and ballroom manoeuvres, in a development that will shape the future of the game. The sole spectator, when later asked for comment, complained that the drinks were not cold enough, but also noted that the captain's hats were “just lovely”. For your humble reporter, the game was best encapsulated by Ebenezer, who just after the game was heard to say: “There are so many sporrans and most of them are lies.”(sic).

Librarian Skidge ponders this. Golf. Golf, golf happens where there are holes, yes? And sand. She seems to recall something about sand. “We have to go to the beach,” she says. “and swat at the sand.”

Rookie Maku thinks that's about right “I've read that several times or maybe it was a pamphlet. Either way I read something.”

Librarian Skidge adds, “And curse.” She seems to dimly recall that was what her father did, whenever he played. She had thought it had looked like such fun, swatting at sand, cursing.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo chuckles. “We'll also need a feisty gopher.”

(“The beach is too sandy,” grouses the not-golf-ball.)

Rookie Maku will head off to a mini-golf course to acquire the Gopher

Librarian Skidge looks at the ball, which probably has to be involved, else why would it be called a golf ball? “And then we find the holes, wait until nobody's looking and put the balls into the holes.”

Rookie Zephy has been a gopher in the past, but is not sure if she's feisty

Librarian Skidge nods. Yes. That's right. “And then we claim they were there all along.”

Private Beeker thinks about this. “Why will there be holes on the beach?'

Returning Contestant Ebenezer scratches his head, but stops immediately, not wanting to damage his scalp. “Are you sure that's how golf is played? That sounds a bit off to me.”

Rookie Maku coughs, “Good thing the holes are marked with colourful flags. . .”

Librarian Skidge knows that where there is golf, there has to be caddies and gophers. “And then we make the gophers dance.” That must earn points. Perhaps how nicely the gophers dance?

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo will be Groundskeeper. Killing the gopher is his job.

Librarian Skidge perks. Flags? Flags! Flags should make things interesting. “Like pirate flags?”

Librarian Skidge figures it out! THE HOLES MUST BE FOR THE PIRATE TREASURE.

Rookie Maku coughs violently, “You need the least amount of points. . .”

Librarian Skidge looks at the ball. Perhaps she's got it all wrong. Perhaps the golf ball is a Magical Treasure Finding Device. “But we must have the proper ceremonial gear,” she mutters.

Returning Contestant Ebenezer blinks his eyes, “Pirate flags? Wait a moment. I think we're getting ahead of ourselves. Pirates don't play golf. . .”

Rookie Maku will pack shovels for the golf game

Librarian Skidge cocks her head at Maku. That can't be right. “But the winner has the most amount of points?” she asks politely. She remembers something about a handicap. Oh.

Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen shakes his head. “No, pirates sword fight. And shout silly insults at each other while doing it.”

Librarian Skidge nods knowingly. “That rule must be to make the handicapped people feel better about having the least points.”

Private Beeker scratches his ear.

Librarian Skidge smiles at Gorbert. “We'll do that too.”

Returning Contestant Ebenezer suddenly widens his eyes at Gorbert, hoping that Skidge didn't hear the mention of the word 'sword,' lest she try to incorporate sharp objects into this dangerous game of 'golf.'

Rookie Adder Moray Offers some input “Not much green on the beach and you know how they always seem to be talking about the ball being on the green.” He waits to see what this triggers.

Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen snickers. “Clearly, you start the game in the trees along the beach.”

Librarian Skidge has to go and find flags for everyone. So that everyone can claim their own hole. Then swat at the sand and curse to chase everyone away from their hole.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo whispers, “We'll paint some of the sand green!”

Rookie Maku knows we will need a scoreboard with pirate and gopher markings

Librarian Skidge nods. “Yes. Perhaps there should be environmental lectures.” This appears to be a complete nonsequitor.

Private Beeker doesn't seem to object to this plan, though it does all sound rather odd, doesn't it? He nods agreeably.

Private Beeker reacts to the non sequitur by nodding agreeably.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo whispers, “With Zombie Al Gore!”

Returning Contestant Ebenezer seems to be getting more confused by the moment. “Lectures are all well and good, but how does that have to do with golf?”

Returning Contestant Ebenezer narrows his eyes at Lorenzo, wondering if that zombie remark was a jab at him!

Rookie Maku coughs, “Will we be needing lawn darts? There are always large amounts of lawning on golf courses.”

Winged Rosin wakes up to the exclamation of 'Zombie Al Gore' and decides she was much better off asleep.

Librarian Skidge shrugs. She has no idea why she said that, actually. ” 's green?“ He seemed to think green was important. And proper spelling. Non. Sequitur. Doesn't look right, to her eyes. Hrm.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo says to Eb, “Why are you trying to complaaaaaain?”

Librarian Skidge nods at Maku. She doesn't actually think golf involves lawn darts, and she is Obviously An Expert, but lawn darts are always good. Aren't they?

Zolotisty trots in, wearing a goldfish bowl and carrying a spatula in one of her oven-mitted hands. Z veers promptly for Skidge to show off her knee pads.

Rookie Maku would enjoy some darts on lawns

Librarian Skidge applauds Z's obvious knowledge of golf. Look, she came prepared. “You need more plaid.” That's part of the ceremony.

Private Beeker checks out Zolotisty's knee pads. “Uh, those are… those look good for golfing.”

Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen stares at Zolotisty. ”…Madam? What are you…?“

Zolotisty looks dismayed. “What do you mean, I need more plaid. Didn't hear anything about plaid from the fish, heard you were playing golf, so you need a running back.”

Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen thinks plaid….”Kilts!“ he cries. “You all need kilts!”

Librarian Skidge click-points to Gorbert. “YES WE DO.” And stupid hats. Big floppy loudly-coloured ones.

Returning Contestant Ebenezer widens his eyes, looking at Zolotisty's knee pads. “Wait, do we need protective gear for this game? It isn't dangerous, is it?” He suddenly thinks he's getting in way over his head.

Winged Rosin yawns, glancing at Z. “That's… Odd.”

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo whispers, “Aye, we need a sporran as well!”

Rookie Maku scratches his head, “We need 9 irons and probably 9 ironing boards to go with them…”

Master Thief Vincent wakes up with a start. “Kilts!”

Zolotisty whips around to clap her hands at Gorbert. The sound is muffled. “Yes.” The goldfish bowl fogs a little; she nods to Beeker appreciatively.

Winged Rosin GIGGLES. Kilts?

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo whispers, “How are we going to clean the golf balls?”

Rookie Maku has foghorns, “You could attach them to your brightly coloured hats to make them loud…”

Librarian Skidge frowns. Golf is no laughing matter. “It must be dangerous, else why would there be handicapped people?” Her father never had a handicap, something that made him very angry. Confusing, that.

Librarian Skidge holds up her golf ball. “WE'VE ONLY GOT ONE.”

Master Thief Vincent waves to Midnight. Then to everyone else. He wants a kilt.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo whispers, “Uh-oh. We need at least one hundred to play a proper game of golf.”

Private Beeker brushes at his fur. “Kilts are… clothes?” he asks, apprehensively. Honeydew manages to morph into a sporran even though Beeker has no clue what one looks like.

Master Thief Vincent has golf balls in the Clan 'fridgerator.

Returning Contestant Ebenezer stares straight ahead with a glassy look in his eyes. “I don't know if I'm cut out for golf. . .” He somehow doubts that he'll be allowed to back out at this point.

Librarian Skidge frowns harder. This golf thing is far more complicated than she had originally thought; no wonder people got so worked up about it. “We don't have all that stuff.”

Zolotisty takes a leaf from Cadye's book and ooches nearer to Ebenezer to toss a comradely arm around his shoulder. The top hat balanced on her goldfish bowl remains peculiarly un-jostled. “Nonsense.”

Rookie Maku is knitting a kilt as fast as he can

Winged Rosin flicks an ear. She can smell something.

Master Thief Vincent waves wildly to Skidge. “I have golf balls!”

Winged Rosin smells something wonderful. The instant her burnt-out nose pinpoints the smell, she pounces. Directly into the catnip below Maku's tree.

Librarian Skidge looks. Excellent. Maku's got the kilts, Vincent's got the balls (cough), Z…“You can be captain.” She looks very captainy. “I'll get you the captain flag.”

Private Beeker 's nose twitches.

Librarian Skidge swarms up her tree and comes back down again with various and sundry flags. A pirate flag, those flags airplane-directing people use, some nautical flags.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo whispers, “I'll get the dynamite.”

Private Beeker takes a sniff. “What… is… that…” his eyes go sort of glassy. He looks over to Rosin.

Zolotisty rummages through her pockets. Eventually she turns up an oil funnel, which she flips and plonks on Eben's head, neatly obscuring a patch of bonafide premature zombie balding. “You're on my team.”

Librarian Skidge finds the state flag for New Jersey. And the flag they wave to start races.

Winged Rosin rolls about in the catnip and looks up at Maku.

Master Thief Vincent bolts down the Hole.

Private Beeker bounds over to the tree and flops down underneath it. He rolls in the grass.

Master Thief Vincent clambers out, a bucket full of golf balls and fish hanging from its handle in his mouth.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo tries to resist the catnip's lure. He leaps for the tree, smacking his head on the trunk.

Master Thief Vincent says, “Hrme mnm Grrfllmfflh.”

Librarian Skidge sidles over to Z. “We need gophers,” she says plaintively. She knows gophers are involved somehow!

Master Thief Vincent grabs the bucket with his hands, and walks over to Z and Skidge. “Golf balls! And fish!”

Returning Contestant Ebenezer looks horrified, but Zolotisty's presence somehow gives him a small surge of courage, “Well, erm. . .alright.” He feels a touch safer with that funnel helmet.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo flops in the grass and wriggles.

Librarian Skidge flicks Anya a bottle cap. She's violent, that works. “Anya's on my team. Anya, wanna play? We're playing GOLF!”

Librarian Skidge commences tossing golf balls to everyone. She gives Z and herself two each…because they're captains!

Zolotisty gives Eben's shoulder a shake. “Did you hear that? Needs gophers.” Zolotisty has not the foggiest idea what a gopher is but she is damn well certain she is going to find one. Or two. Maybe six.

Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen tackles Rosin as she rolls about in the catnip, unintentionally hitting Maku as well.

Master Thief Vincent says, “Skidge, you're a captain of the golf force?”

Zolotisty awkwardly catches her golf balls before forcing Eben to turn with her toward Gorbert and Rosin. “Gorbert! Where do I get a gopher! Or nine!”

Syn walks in dressed in a gopher costume looking uncomfortable. I borrowed this from Sheila. Someone said that I needed it, but Im horribly confused. Could someone explain whats going on please?

Returning Contestant Ebenezer pipes up and says, “Gophers are rodents, aren't they? Maybe a cat-person could catch some for us.” Or maybe he's trying to prolong the time before this game begins.

Librarian Skidge nods. “You can be on a team or you can be a gopher.” Gophers then go to war with the Groundskeeper, in this case Giuseppe. Who is wriggling. Probably that's preparatory.

Master Thief Vincent hopes he can use his pickaxe for a golf club.

Private Beeker gets a golf ball tossed at him. He catches it and looks at it, glassy-eyed. He looks at the entrancing grass, and looks at the golf ball, and at the entrancing grass, and at the golf ball…

Master Thief Vincent decides to be a gopher. He leaps at Lor with a fish immediately. “En guard!”

Winged Rosin pauses in her glee (Gorbert and catnip!) and blinks in confusion. Gopher? War with Giuseppe? Hmm

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo sits up and runs off to SWEET hall. He returns with a rather large bucket full of sticks of dynamite.

Private Beeker, with enormous effort, drags himself away from the entrancing grass and towards the golf outing.

Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen pats Maku on the head. “Oh, calm down.”

Rookie Maku hands everyone a kilt, each embroidered with beef jerky!

Zolotisty blinks. Rodent? She steers Eben around again, scanning the area and then – AHAH. Z points Dramatically with her spatula. “Dibs! We're playing GOLF.”

Private Beeker pounces Vincent! “Vincent! We're gonna play golf!”

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo puts on a tartan kilt. He instantly feels the Scottish-ness coursing through him.

Master Thief Vincent is knocked over mid-lunge, and he immediately whaps Beeker with the fish. “Agh! Ya amboosheer!”

Private Beeker jumps off Vincent and runs around and around in circles.

Librarian Skidge promptly dons her kilt, then dumps out the sticks of dynamite and plops the bukkit down on her head.

Returning Contestant Ebenezer allows himself to be steered around. Between Zolotisty and Xane, Ebenezer may never have to choose his own path again! “Oh dear,” he mutters to himself.

Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen has no idea what's going on around here.

Syn wriggles around in the costume trying to scratch an itch that she can't reach with her oversized mitten-like hands. I think someone must have been playing a cruel joke on me.”

Zolotisty hauls Eben over toward Syn so that they can assume a rough huddle. “This is problematic,” Z says, glancing over her shoulder. “The other captain has acquired a helmet more gallant than mine.”

Master Thief Vincent gets up, and grabs another fish. Thus armed, he sets out for war.

Returning Contestant Ebenezer squeaks and says, “Is that dynamite?” This game is getting far too serious!

Rookie Maku follows Skidge and gives Captain V the honours of turning the grounds into a golf lawn course

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo also has his Special Gopher-killing License and a bad speech impediment.

Zolotisty lowers her voice. Something like this ensues: pss pss pss steal her bukkit pss pss pss drain life force pss pss pss steal flag.

Private Beeker puts on a kilt, and somehow manages to come across as charming, despite the kilt and the goldfish bowl and the welding gloves and the bandolier.

Librarian Skidge steals the fish from Vincent, then drags Maku into a huddle. Because if Z has a huddle, she's gonna have one, too. “Listen….um, just act like we're talking about something important.”

Rookie Maku throws lawn darts sporadically, gaining points for each dart!

Zolotisty may or may not actually be saying 'pss ps pss.'

Rookie Maku was dragged midway from throwing darts

Syn blinks out at Z from underneath foam buck-teeth. She's not going to be really great at anything that involves stealth right about now.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo sets the dynamite in the ground at each hole. If the ball goes in, BOOM!

Librarian Skidge reaches out and drags Beeker into her huddle, too. She doesn't know what to say, so she just says “strategy” over and over again.

Zolotisty claps Syn on the shoulder with her spatula hand. “You! I want you on stealth.”

Master Thief Vincent throws both hands in the air, grabs another fish, and whaps Skidge right on the bukkit.

Private Beeker nods sagely whenever Skidge says “strategy”.

Rookie Maku whispers sweet nothings to his golf ball, assuming that be his plan!

Returning Contestant Escemfer wakes up in the middle of this madness. How she managed to sleep through it to begin with is a mystery. She stands by the hedge and watches intently, perhaps trying to figure out what's going on

Syn groans. Of course she would choose the six foot tall gopher for the stealth missions.

Librarian Skidge hollers, “TREACHERY! TREACHERY! THE OTHER TEAM HAS TURNED THE GOPHERS AGAINST US!” This starts the game, no?

Returning Contestant Ebenezer cups his hand around where his left ear used to be, trying to make out the 'pss ps pss,' but to no avail.

Master Thief Vincent leaps away towards Z. “I have the plans of the Golf Force!” He seems to have named Skidge's group the Golf Force.

Winged Rosin pulls Gorbert away from the fray for some nice snuggles. He's covered in catnip, after all.

Rookie Maku cries throwing trees in between both huddles, holding his golf ball protectively!

Syn raises her hand with a question that seems quite urgent So are there any rules to this game?

Zolotisty straightens abruptly and clonks a mittened hand into her goldfish bowl as if to cup her mouth. She does a pretty good impression of a hunting bugle. “The game begins!”

Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen is happy with this arrangement.

Master Thief Vincent is not quite sure what his job is supposed to be.

Librarian Skidge thwaps Syn on the head with her fish, then does a dance, henceforth known as the “gopher dance”.

Zolotisty PAUSES. Rules? “Ahmn. Yes, check the rule book. If you can find it. Go! Gogogo!”

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo readies his BOOM box, hands on all the shiny buttons.

Rookie Maku hands someone lawn darts, while 9 ironing boards fly overhead, dropping 9 irons

Rookie Zephy dives for cover behind the non-bar, peeking out to watch now and again

Master Thief Vincent decides his job must be to collect all the Golf Balls. He sets out to accomplish this.

Rookie Midnight Glide yawns tiredly, still very much asleep. She'd rather nap than see if she can play golf at the moment.

Returning Contestant Ebenezer stands in one place, but turns around left and right, trying to decide what to do! This chaos is so confusing! He can't even remember who's on his team at this point!

Rookie Maku hits the rule book with his golf club before being maimed by an ironing board, “GET IT OFF ME!!!”

Librarian Skidge awards Zolotisty points for style, Syn points for taking a fish across the head, and Zephy a point for diving very quickly. “THEY'RE WINNING, TEAM!” she shouts, to rally the troupes. Master Thief Vincent would rather everyone play. Because more confusion is, you know, just what the game needs.

Returning Contestant Escemfer decides to get in on this mayhem, but doesn't know how. Hmm. Aha! “Fowl!” she shouts at every available moment.

Zolotisty turns seriously to Eben. “You! Get the sporran – I need to go challenge the other captain to a ritual dance-off.” She finally releases him. Passing Esc, she tags her. “Dibs – help the gopher!

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo dodges the irons, throwing one back. The ironing board crashes and bursts into flames.

Syn dodges and weaves even though no one is chasing her. She throws in a few rolls for dramatic effect. Actually the costume helps quite a bit to soften out the bumps.

Rookie Adder Moray warns Giuseppe “Do not use the turbo bass on that.”

Private Beeker guards his golf ball jealously, and runs over to Syn and tries to remove one of the oven mitts. “I got one!”

Master Thief Vincent snatches a golf ball from Skidge.

Rookie Maku kills the ironing board and lands on Sunset Avenue, and buys it for 5oo Req.

Zolotisty gravely approaches her skittering foe. She does this with the solemnity of a seven year-old who has decided they are playing astronaut and are going to obey anti-gravity slow bounce steps.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo starts pushing buttons on the box. Fireworks and sticks of dynamite start going off.

Returning Contestant Escemfer proceeds to run after the very tall gopher and imitate her every move. “Fowl!”

Returning Contestant Ebenezer jumps at Zolotisty's sudden order, but there's only one problem . . . “What's a sporran?!” He hasn't got the foggiest clue what one looks like! He scrambles off, trying to find one!

Librarian Skidge tags Vincent, taking Z's lead. And he's got the most golf balls. “Go get the darts GO GET THE DARTS.”

Private Beeker takes the oven mitt and hides his golf ball inside it!

Zolotisty doesn't know what a sporran is!

Master Thief Vincent throws his hands in the air. He's been Conscripted into the Golf Force! He leaps out and starts snatching at darts.

Private Beeker 's eyes widen! The Sheriff says to get the darts! He starts skittering around after the lawn darts.

Librarian Skidge turns at her opponent and threateningly wields her fish. Everyone knows fish help you to dance better.

Rookie Maku grabs a few lawn darts and pays rent to his landlord!

Syn starts digging a large hole in the sand. It seems like the sort of thing a gopher would do, and maybe it will keep her from getting stepped on.

Librarian Skidge points. “THE GOPHER HAS STARTED TO DIG! Everyone freeze!”

Winged Rosin is content with snuggling Gorbert, occasionally moving him farther back from the expanding game. Eventually, she's forced to drag him up into a tree to avoid a …Salmon? Who threw that?

Private Beeker gathers up lawn darts as fast as he can, stowing them in his (Syn's) oven mitt.

Returning Contestant Ebenezer practically runs in circles. He finds a rock and holds it up, shouting, “Is this the sporran?” He doesn't care who answers.

Zolotisty reels a step or two backward as the Raising of the Halibut requires. She counters with a Short-Order Cook Shuffle. Rookie Maku eats Esc's kilt and gains 20 points! “We're winning Golf Points!”

Master Thief Vincent leaps and barrel rolls in midair. And then he swipes a golf ball from Z.

Returning Contestant Escemfer helps dig, only succeeding in getting in the way. “Fowl!” Suddenly, she dashes off after a golf ball… or is it something else?

Private Beeker freezes, as ordered, in the middle of putting a lawn dart into the mitt.

Private Beeker vogues.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo runs around under the tree, pushing random buttons. Car alarms, clock, Aw here it is! BOOM button! He pushes it and screams “BANZAI!” as a particular large firework goes off.

Master Thief Vincent uses this opportunity to relieve Beeker of his Golf Ball.

Returning Contestant Escemfer pounces Maku and shouts “Fowl!!!!” for everyone to hear.

Librarian Skidge awards a seemingly random amount of points to everyone, taking off for Vincent and Escemfer's handicaps. Catching the Shuffle, she promptly goes into a Roman Candle Diamond Dance.

Syn pokes her head up out of the hole, hoping that no one has spotted her.

Rookie Maku shouts, “Stop! One hop this time!” He rolls into a lemon tree, and eats 2 apple pies!

Private Beeker observes a widespread lack of voguing and pins a blue ribbon on himself. “Best at voguing! Golf points!”

Master Thief Vincent sidles over to Syn. “Psst.” he whispers, “Hide these.” He passes her a large number of Golf Balls. And a fish.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo throws the box on the ground and POUNCES the Gopher.

Returning Contestant Ebenezer jumps at the BOOM of that firework, but points into the air, “Is that the sporran?” He could probably claim that anything is the sporran at this point.

Private Beeker spots Syn and pounces her! He tries to take her other oven mitt. “No oven mitts for gophers!”

Returning Contestant Escemfer rolls across the playing field crushing any small, pathetic obstacles, such as mushrooms, in her path. “Fowl!”

Rookie Maku eats fish handed to Syn and proceeds to dance on top of the flag!

Contestant Daedalus enters from repairing his time warp issues and stands at the gate, dumbstruck by the Overwhelming Chaos and Mayhem. “Looks a bit like a game of golf, dunnit?”

Syn falls backwards with a strangled cry Gwaaaaaah! She flails wildly but is unable to right herself.

Zolotisty seems physically pained by the Diamond Dance. She staggers, growling, and then regains herself to retaliate with a Dewey Decimal Twist. Hah! sayeth her expression. Thats that!

Private Beeker happily pounced Syn when Vincent tried to get her to hide the golf balls! He snatches them and puts them in the oven mitt. He misses the fish, however.

Master Thief Vincent wails in despair. The Golf Balls! He leaps after Beeker.

Rookie Maku takes the flag out and begins to dig for pirate treasure in the golf hole

Librarian Skidge tags Daedalus. “AND YOU'RE IT, ME BOYO!” she screams happily, then dives back into a not-at-all-awkward combination break-and-ballroom dance.

Contestant Daedalus takes out a pad and pen, writing up a quick report to submit to the Enquirer as a freelance reporter.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo tackles Beeker! “Give me the balls!”

Private Beeker bounds away with one oven mitt full of lawn darts and a second full of golf balls. “Gadzooks!” he proclaims.

Private Beeker tries to crawl away! He has been tackled!

Returning Contestant Escemfer looks up at Ebenezer and shouts, “Five points!”

Syn, free from Lorenzos crushing weight, scampers out of the hole and heads for the tree line.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo takes the balls and dances. “I've the balls!”

Private Beeker cries “No! These are for my captain, my captain!”

Rookie Maku throws his shovel at Esc and pull out the pirate treasure, “A STUFFED GOPHER!…” He runs for the finish line!

Returning Contestant Ebenezer spots Beeker and wonders if one of the oven mitts is the sporran. He lurches after Beeker as fast as he can, “Hand over that sporran!”

Private Beeker pounces Lorenzo!

Zolotisty is on a roll! Smug, she follows it up with the Library of Congress Waltz, snatching Skidge and whirling her away amid the chaos. This is a gentleman's sport, after all.

Librarian Skidge moves from her break-and-ballroom dance to a Salsa, complete with an Onion Dip. This is difficult to do without a partner, so she shanghais Beeker.

Master Thief Vincent steals the balls back, and throws them wildly.

Private Beeker drops a mitt in his rush to pounce Lorenzo and retrieve the balls!

Contestant Daedalus writes: “Island Inaugural Golf Tournament Possibly a Success” as his headline.

Returning Contestant Escemfer dashes after Syn, grabs her, and crams a handful of mushrooms into her hand. “Quick! For victory!”

Syn starts hobbling as a golf ball that was stuffed into her costume falls into the foot portion.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo tosses Beeker to the ground with a sacrifice throw.

Librarian Skidge hasn't shanghaied Beeker at all, but Zolotisty!

Private Beeker gets shanghaied into dancing salsa. He does the best he can despite not knowing the steps.

Rookie Zephy , still behind the bar, helps herself to an Imp cola.

Private Beeker gets mixed up with Zolotisty, despite his lack of top hat.

Zolotisty genteely compensates for this confusion by turning it into a three person guacamole.

Returning Contestant Ebenezer lurches after Beeker's fallen mitt as fast as he can! “I think I got it!”

Syn holds the mushrooms aloft and continues hopping towards the trees.

Rookie Maku stuffs the stuffed gopher into Z's mouth, earning the team 100 points

Returning Contestant Escemfer runs wildly after the balls, shoving as many as possible under her paper sombrero. “Fowl!”

Master Thief Vincent hits Eb with a fish. Then follows up with a Double-handed Fish Fillet!

Zolotisty is alarmed by the gopher suddenly smashed against her helmet. Thank goodness for goldfish bowls. But- but it is fogging. Woe and tragedy.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo grabs the REAL sporran and executes the Sporran Dance, which involves pelvic thrusts.

(the oven mitt turns out to be Honeydew, who scuttles away from Ebenezer on little centipede legs, still shaped like an oven mitt.)

Rookie Myth Stray wanders into the common grounds.

Returning Contestant Ebenezer is smacked with a fish and is properly stunned by the experience. He wobbles on his feet and straightens his spectacles.

Master Thief Vincent begins spinning like a dervish, fish whirling out at all angles. People are liable to get hit.

Librarian Skidge still has her bukkit, which has not fogged at all! Victory! And she still has her original captain's balls. THAT GIVES HER A LOT OF POINTS. Which makes her the loser.

Rookie Maku trades the fish bowl for the gopher and takes to bowl into a tree, lights it on fire and sticks 3 lawn darts into the ground, praising Buddha or some other god.

Syn puts a hand out against the nearest tree to steady herself. She wheezes for a few minutes in the stifling hot costume unsure of what to do now that she has reached the finish line.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo gives the sporran filled with golf balls to Vince!

Returning Contestant Escemfer dodges the fish, Matrix-style, and stuffs a golf ball in Vincent's mouth. “Fifty points!!”

Master Thief Vincent would like to remind Skidge that both she and Z lost a ball apiece to him in the melee.

Zolotisty 's HELMET IS GONE THE SPIRITS OF TEN THOUSAND BENEVOLENT WHALE GODS WILL DESCEND UPON MAKU IN A FITFUL WRATH SUCH IS THE DEPTH OF THIS BEREAVEMENT

Private Beeker recovers from having been tackled, sacrifice thrown, and not-shanghaid-because-Skidge-confused-him-wit h-Zolotisty. He holds the oven mitts he stole from Syn over his head and runs around in circles.

Rookie Maku appears on Syn and begins to whip her with a grape vine, “HEE-YAH!”

Zolotisty dives behind Myth Stray in her vulnerable state!

Syn decides to pass out. It seems the safest option at this point.

Contestant Daedalus daydreams of a Pulitzer if he can write a coherent report of the day's events and get it published.

Librarian Skidge begins to giggle and plonks down in the middle of the field, abandoning the dance. “Golf is the best sport EVER.”

Master Thief Vincent spits the ball out, and lands a glancing blow on her shoulder with a fish.

Rookie Maku falls on Syn and returns the fishbowl helmet to Z.

Private Beeker leapfrogs over the plonked Skidge.

Librarian Skidge cheers and claps. “Syn has passed out! THAT MEANS SHE WINS! GOPHERS WIN, EVERYBODY!”

Returning Contestant Escemfer somersaults, several times, over to Skidge and makes a grab for the bukkit! “FOWL!!”

Rookie Myth Stray blinks in bewilderment as someone dives behind her and at the weird things going on.

Rays of golden light shine down upon Maku – the whale gods are appeased, and the GAME IS ON AGAIN.

Master Thief Vincent cheers, not really sure if he's a gopher or not. He decides cheering is appropriate.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo slaps Eb with the Sporran! Such humiliation!

Rookie Maku “Yays”, believing we officially won! Syn has 3000 handicapped points.

Rookie Zephy sneaks over to Syn and hands her an Imp Cola with a long straw stuck in it.

Zolotisty pops her head up over Myth's. “Oh good! Is it tea time yet?”

Returning Contestant Ebenezer decides to chase after Honeydew, but he isn't very fast at all in zombie form. He points and announces, “The sporran!” Maybe a team mate will help him to capture it!

Rookie Zephy nudges Syn. . . hmmm

Rookie Maku sits next to Skidge and breathes laboriously

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo runs up a tree with the Sporran.

Private Beeker dashes around, shaking hands with everyone. “Good game, good game!”

Syn groans Mrrrrrffffffff and reaches a hand up to grab the cola while still face first in the sand.

Returning Contestant Escemfer rolls away from Skidge, cheering. She doesn't know who's side she was on or who was on what team, but it's the enthusiasm that counts.

Master Thief Vincent sits next to Midnight, looking slightly winded.

Librarian Skidge pulls some tea out of her hat. “If you'd do the honours of acquiring water, Madame…” She overturns her bukkit. It shall now be an excellent table.

Winged Rosin picks up Gorbert and, once spotting a clear path, runs with him out of the Grounds. Far too chaotic right now for enjoying catnip snuggles.

Gorbert Vanhousserhoffen is stolen.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo jumps down, cursing the Gopher Gods!

Contestant Daedalus looks around for the scoreboard. “Umm. . . I say. . . there doesn't seem to be a scorekeeper.”

Rookie Maku puts all the lawn darts into the bucket.

Returning Contestant Ebenezer wouldn't recognize a sporran if it hit him in the face. . .which it did. . . and he didn't recognize it. He is sure that Honeydew is the sporran, even though she (he/it?) is an oven mitt.

Librarian Skidge pats Maku on the head and gives Beeker a considering look. He dances quite well.

Master Thief Vincent believes Syn won, pi-0.

Syn isnt clear on exactly how she won, but she never really understood the rules to begin with . . .

Rookie Maku notes that the points are all for show and glory, Points don't let you win!

Returning Contestant Escemfer comes to a stop flat on her back, staring up at the sky. She has not enough energy to call Fowl again.

Zolotisty casts a blank look at Daedalus. “Aren't you the scorekeeper? Skidge, he's the scorekeeper. Isn't he?” She pops off her fishbowl helmet and tips it over – uncannily, it's already full of water.

Librarian Skidge grins at Daedalus. “Pity, now we won't know who won.” Well. Syn did.

Private Beeker is still shaking hands. “Good game, good game!”

Returning Contestant Ebenezer stops in place and turns left and right again, looking utterly confused. “Is the game over yet?” He has a tad of hope in his voice. Maybe it's finally over. . .

Rookie Maku thinks that we need to write down all the rule of golf some day… in the near 15 years

Librarian Skidge murmurs, “Yes, I believe he was the scorekeeper.” She seems deeply contented. Losing agrees with her.

Zolotisty casts Myth an appreciative look. “Thank-you for being a shield.” She trots around her and sloshes her way over to Skidge. Much water spills, yet the level in the bowl remains the same. A koan?

Syn looks up at Ebenezer with giant cartoon gopher eyes I think its over.

Returning Contestant Escemfer points at Ebenezer. “Get the sporran!” she demands.

Private Beeker shakes hands with multiple people. He doesn't keep track of how many handshakes there are, even though some part of his brain (the combinatorialist part) is urging him to do so.

Rookie Myth Stray finds a comfortable spot, out of the way. . . so she can watch. . . ponders bringing popcorn next time.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo starts jumping up and down angrily, kilt flapping up and down in a most awkward fashion.

Rookie Maku throws Beekers hand into the ground upon shaking and earns a plus 5 for his next golf game

Contestant Daedalus writes in his pocketbook report: After a close and hard fought game, Syn was declared winner of the 1st Island Golf Tournament, with a margin of 3 farnarkles to the oppositions 2 grommets.”

Returning Contestant Ebenezer looks relieved at Syn's words, but jumps at Escemfer's shout. He replies frustratedly, “What is the sporran?!”

(Honeydew morphs into a blue ribbon and scuttles over to Syn and hops into her lap. The blue ribbon develops eyes and blinks at Syn. “Hello,” it says.)

Librarian Skidge blinks happily at Ebenezer. “You are.”

Zolotisty says to Ebenezer, “It's a cat!” Quite literally, anyway. Isn't it? She dumps the water over Skidge's head cheerily. “Here you are.”

Rookie Zephy is looking forward to Dae's article

Returning Contestant Escemfer giggles stupidly at Ebenezer's distress, not having an answer for him.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo points to the furry bag on his kilt. “Och, this here be a Sporran!”

Syn blinks back at the ribbon, still slightly befuddled.

Private Beeker flops in the middle of the field. Honeydew morphs into a bottle of catnip beer and scuttles over to Beeker and snuggles up next to him.

Librarian Skidge takes the goldfish bowl, sets it onto the bukkit-table, and sorts through her packets of tea. “Vanilla? Monkey-picked oolong? Green apple?” She's got a random selection.

Librarian Skidge is wet. She wasn't wet a moment ago.

Returning Contestant Ebenezer decides to prop his spectacles up on top of his head so that he can bury his face in his hands. There are so many sporrans and most of them are lies.

Zolotisty frowns. “Butter tarts if you've got it.”

Librarian Skidge frowns in an absent kind of way at Zolotisty. “Wasn't very nice.” She's just jealous because her helmet wasn't as cool.

Returning Contestant Escemfer rolls over to Beeker.

Contestant Daedalus continues writing: Both captains employed novel tactics and hitherto unseen player placement in this epic match. No players were reported seriously injured.

Master Thief Vincent takes full credit for Skidge's helmet.

Rookie Maku would like some tri-glycerinate tea. . .

Rookie Maku has a large gash from Vincent's fish slapping on his back!

Zolotisty tings the goldfish bowl with a claw. It's full of water again. “Yes well, of course it's not nice if you don't finish the pre-gaming.” She Eyes Skidge.

Master Thief Vincent supposes he should have used blunter fish.

Syn tries to inconspicuously peer over Daedalus's shoulder at what he's writing. Or at least as inconspicuously as a giant gopher can. Maybe it will shed some light on what just happened.

Returning Contestant Ebenezer groans and re-sets his spectacles on his nose and realizes that the horrifying golf game has turned into a tea party. This calms him. Tea is something he can understand.

Contestant Daedalus |. . . Of particular delight to an enthusiastic crowd of 1 spectator was the introduction of both food and ballroom manoeuvres, in a development that will shape the future of the game.

Librarian Skidge nods thoughtfully. “True.” No butter tarts, but there is a doughnut-with-sprinkles tea, which she offers hopefully.

Rookie Maku hugs Vincent, “I don't mind!”

Zolotisty solemnly accepts, cantilevering her pinky. She thanks Skidge graciously.

Private Beeker sniffs hopefully as he smells tea. Not as entrancing as special beer, but it will have to do.

Returning Contestant Escemfer rolls over to Ebenezer next and holds up a bottle cap from her position on the ground. “Sporran?” she offers.

Librarian Skidge puts her packets of tea on the bukkit, so anyone can make some. There are many different flavours; she scoops up the packet of Summer Sunrise for her own.

Contestant Daedalus puts away his draft report for the moment, planning on just making up the rest later. “If I can work in Gordon Ramsey and The Rock. . . at St Andrews. . . journalistic gold medal!”

Private Beeker scooches over to the bukkit-table where the tea is laid out. “Tea?” he says, hopefully. Returning Contestant Ebenezer says to himself, “I have no idea what's just happened, but I think it was the most exciting thing in my life.” Thank god it's over.

Contestant Giuseppe Lorenzo drops the Sporran in Vince's hands. Unfortunately his kilt falls off, leaving him starkers.

Private Beeker inspects the tea packets.

Returning Contestant Ebenezer notices Escemfer, blinks confusedly, and accepts the bottle cap sporran. “Oh! Erm. . . thank you.”

Librarian Skidge smiles cheerfully. She's using her hat as a teacup, which is leading to lots of undignified slurping. “Help yourself, m'sieur.”