One author, brave enough to remain aboard the Failboat for these events, carefully logged all the words and actions performed that fateful day. . .
Out of the fog, a shape begins to loom closer to the Failboat.
<DICE> Justa blinks blearily at Maniak. “You could still. . . swim after them?” No, because that is a terrible idea.
A burly Failor peers through the fog.“Here, Reggie, is that . . . a ship?”
<QQQ>Bloody Showoff Maniak grumbles. The failors seem preoccupied. “Swim Justa? With these legs?” He sullenly leans over the railing and lights a cigarette for himself.
Reggie tuts and moves toward the railing, all business. “Don't be silly, Donald. Everyone knows that there are no sh- -”
A metal grapnel whistles through the fog and THUNKS Reggie on the head, dropping him.
<QQQ>Bloody Showoff Maniak looks up, seeing what Donald saw. He looks at the cigarette he just took a drag from, and smells the burning end. “What the hell.”
The dark wooden hull of the large, invading ship comes alongside the FailBoat. In fine white lettering across its prow, The Jackalope announces herself.
In rapid succession, three more grapnels whiz across the distance between the boats, embedding into the Failboat's railing.
<DICE> Sicpuess scans over the rest of the Boat intently, . . . then over that other. . vessel, yes. A vessel. Thrombosis in the vessels of the Ocean, quite deadly probably.
<QQQ>Bloody Showoff Maniak falls flat on his arse, avoiding one of the grapnels that landed a bit too close for comfort. “What the hell.”
A bold Failor rushes over with a crowbar to dislodge one of the boarding hooks, but he is felled by an enemy banana.
The boarding plank is thrown over to the Failboat. Another Failor, desperate now, dodging a storm of bananas, rushes to dislodge it.
Just as he reaches the plank, he is smacked with an over-ripe plum and falls face-first into the ocean.
The cruel laughter of the Pirates is heard before they are seen. The dull thunder of feet on planks brings aboard the Fail Boat. . .
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac, who levels his Cannon at a group of Failors and lets fly a spray of Grape Shot. he laughs maniacally and hops onto the Failboat's deck.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac ducks as a particularly burly Failor swings at him with a halberd. He comes in and under the Failor's swing, and cracks his Cannon into the poor fellow's solar plexus.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac raises his Cannon and rips the Failboat's rigging and spars with a cluster of more Grape Shot. Green and purple grapes go everywhere, splatting into sails and snapping the smaller spars.
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne, who sits on Jacques' shoulder, brandishes her cocktail sword at anyone who even looks at her funny. There's a cherry stuck to it. She screams as she launches herself onto the face of a nearby Failor
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac roars, “Come on, crew! To the storage room!” He charges into a mass of Failors who are standing around the hatch.
<DICE> Sicpuess, a moment later, sits to the feet of said failor, chewing thoughtfull on said cherry.
<PRAT>Zed Pace, who unholsters twin flintlock revolvers firing off a round of Jujyfruits into the chest of the nearest sailor. He spins the guns expertly and jumps onto the deck of the failboat.
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne beats upon the Failor's nose with her cocktail sword, staining his face a dark red. She hears Jacques' command and lunges forward, running after him and roaring “Feck aye!”
<PRAT>Contestant Thor Thafrij leaps aboard, screaming his ancient family warcry, “ekskrementer ! ekskrementer ! Jeg onsker ikke a do ekskrementer !”
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne throws Cherry Bombs behind her. They splatter pathetically across the deck. What did you expect? They're Cherries.
<PRAT>Rather Small Bryan, at the signal, charges in with an armful of tomatoes. He pelts the defending Failors in the face and chest as he bravely follows his commanders.
<DICE> Sicpuess skitters after them! She manages to catch an armful unharmed. That is, two.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac is grabbed by several muscular and battle-scarred Failors, but he's so greasy and hairy in his Banana Hammock that he squirts out of their grasp like a watermelon seed. Flapping and kicking his way up and over the tallest of them, he jumps another.
<PRAT>Contestant Thor Thafrij throws kumquats into the fray, grinning fit to split his skull
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac is given courage by Thor's crazy made-up language! It's probably Spanish. He slams Grape Shot into a Failor's kneesm belches in another's face, and squirms past a third through the hatch.
<QQQ>Bloody Showoff Maniak blinks and spits out another “What the hell.” just in case the viewers at home didn't quite catch it the first two times. Why would pirates, who apparently already have a boat of their own, raid the failboat is beyond him.
<PRAT>Contestant Thor Thafrij farts forth fearlessly, foul feces flecked flail fending freakish foes franticly, flawlessly.
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne digs her heel into the toes of a nearby Failor. He squeals in pain and grabs at it, providing her a lift. She gets launched by his jutting movement, onto Jacques' hat. Convenient, that.
A grizled old Failor collapses into a heap, struck near-dead by Thor's Aggressive Alliteration.
<PRAT>Zed Pace is rather unaffected by most of the Failors coming at him. He's rather happy for his lack of pain receptors. He skirts behind Bryan and adds a bit of gunfired jujyfruits to give them a bit more punch. He then aims a shot at the bloke who launced Car.
<DICE> Sicpuess weighs one of the fruit in a hand, headtilting at a failed contestant. There's food. And it's free. And airborne. Expertly thrown, the red flesh is lodged between the same's lips, seconds later.
Burton is deposited onto the deck of the Failboat.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac does a 360 at the hatchway, spraying the entire ship in a fruitstorm of grape. That Cannon is set on Full Automatic. The grapes splatter and cascade everywhere as the Cannon's engine wines with power. Get it, wines?!
<PRAT>Rather Small Bryan smacks a Failor right in the nose with a thrown tomato. “Fuck yea!” he cries, just before he's grabbed from behind by a large Failor. “Ah, le'ggo you bastard!”
<QQQ>Bloody Showoff Maniak has half a mind to protect Burton from the Pirates. Or viceversa.
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne drops onto Jacques' shoulder “D'yee evan remembar what th' shites lak like? Th' sails ar whatavar?” This is a rather important question, considering that's why they're here. She continues pelting Cherry Bombs behind her. They stain people's clothes.
Burton yells towards the Failor that is running away “Yeah you better run, next time I see you I. . . I. . .” He hears a commotion behind him and turns. “Ay-yey-yey.”
<DICE> Justa has already taken initiative: she hides.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac's shouts and farts can be heard from the hatchway. A failor reels to the deck and falls, his head streaming blood. No, wait, it's red grape juice.
<QQQ>Bloody Showoff Maniak stands by his comment. He still has half a mind to protect Burton from the Pirates. Or viceversa.
<DICE> Sicpuess whaps the remaining cherry onto Burton's forehead, for good measure, then scrabbles - ammo refill, ammo refill! And here she goes, clambersuptherailing priesakumquatoffit hurnls that mush right down the stairs down - where else would they go?
<DICE> Justa very carefully looks over the rim of her previous fortress of barrels and crates and wonders if the amalgam of fruit (in various shades of freshness) will be salvageable once this day is over. Until then pirates, Ma, pirates!
<PRAT>Zed Pace turns and hits the Failor, holding Bryan right between the eyes. The gummy candy sticks right between the bloke's eyes. He then aims a bit of a kick, shoving the unfortunate failor off his mate. “Watch yer back mate!”
Where else would grapes go, really, especially mashed ones? It seems to ferment mid-flight, turn liquid, then clear, then zips - unseen now in the huddle there - wetly across Chirac's lower left. Cheek.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chiracexplodes from the hatchway, a bulky bundle of cloth in his arms. His Cannon has been jammed down the front of his Banana Hammock. Unarmed, he is beset on all sides. “Li'l help here?!”
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac is graped!
<PRAT>Contestant Thor Thafrij cries “ekskrementer ! ekskrementer ! Jeg onsker ikke a do ekskrementer !” again and launches several kumquats, “Pffft, kum !” he adds
<PRAT> Cantankerous Biggs finally makes it onto the failboat. He's done his research on pirates and knows that they wear eyepatches to show how hard they are. He's showing that he's twice as hard by wearing twice as many eyepatches. It took a while to find the boat.
<QQQ>Bloody Showoff Maniak can't stand the cries for help from Jacques. He gets up from his arse, and deftly dodges the degrees of fruit “I must be bananas, but here I come Jacques!”
<PRAT>Zed Pace holster's one of his guns and runs toward Jacques. “Help! Right here!”
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac is in danger of having his Joker Hat jostled off. Some of these Failors are pretty tough. He elbows and kicks, but refusing to drop his precious cargo of - are those. . . bedsheets? - he loses ground.
<PRAT>Rather Small Bryan skitters on after his fellow pirates, pelting tomatoes this way and that. He makes his way quickly towards Jacques as his supply runs out, and he grabs armfulls of the cloth.
<DICE> Sicpuess expertly avoids a Failor as he tomato-slips next to her. . . but apparently has failed to take into concern the happenstances of heavy weather, that is, falling felled failors. Squat.
<PRAT>Contestant Thor Thafrij kums left right and centre, offering wide covering fire
Burton falls on his arse, a cherry stuck to his forehead. He stands up and looks around. He has to help somehow! He jumps on the shoulders of a nearby Failor and covers his eyes, biting at the big man's ear.
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne, still on Jacques' shoulder, attempts to keep Failors off of Jacques by pelting them with cherries. They land on nearby faces with little wet Paps and Spluts. Failors slowly are painted red.
<DICE> Justa winces when Jacques falls. What does one do in a place like this? She pats herself for any spare Chronos (none). She eyes the stretch between here and the lower decks; it's decorated liberally with squashed fruit and fruit juice. No chance there.
<PRAT>Zed Pace snatches some of the plunder, hugging them to his chest. “Oi. . . we got it. We better get out of here!”
<QQQ>Bloody Showoff Maniak fearlessly flails fists into the face of the first failor he finds.
<DICE> Sicpuess wiggles free, only to be met with a still very much conscious, bewildered, and now determined flushed face. Staresquareoff. Sic moves~ flung~ landsskidsonyetanothertomatogah and~ Squirrel over board!
<PRAT> Cantankerous Biggs hears cries of “Help” and runs in that general direction, straight into the mast, leaving a fair sized dent there.
<DICE> Justa ducks as a brunch spills her way to skid banana grease from one side of the deck to the other.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac is relivied of his burden by Pace and Bryan,. and looks on gratefully as Maniak clears him a path. Punching a nearby Failor quite unnecessarily in the testicles, he runs back to the deck. “Aye! We're off!”
<PRAT>Contestant Thor Thafrij runs, skids under a huge failor's legs and dives below decks
Burton ducks and dodges the burly man's flailing arms and beats at the poor guy's face. “Yeah! I'm a pirate, too, yeh bastard!” he yells as he leans down to bite the ear again.
<PRAT> Cantankerous Biggs starts throwing his stash of rotten in fruit at what he hopes are Failors. A pineapple catches Jacques round the back of the head, luckily the coconut catches a Failor.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac, even in the midst of chaos, thinks he must help Sicpuess somehow. Stopping very briefly to grab a dazed Failor, he tosses the man overboard after Sicpuess. Maybe she can float on him?
<QQQ>Bloody Showoff Maniak scoops up a handful of fruit, cherries red as cherubs. Or cherries. He throws them in her direction, and immediately realizes he lost his cherry to The Watcher.
<PRAT>Rather Small Bryan waddles on behind Jacques, toting a large bundle of cloth. He clambers over to the Jackalope, grinning at his victory.
<PRAT>Contestant Thor Thafrij reappears moments later, after much ugly noise, bent double under a huge binnacle, “ekskrementer ! ekskrementer ! Jeg onsker ikke a do ekskrementer !”
<DICE> Justa hiccups as she sees the glint of the badge and the body of a joker-squirrel flung overboard. She knee-shuffles to the edge and thrusts a hand blindly out.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac is struck on the head by some craven pienapple-carrying miscreant. He slides across the deck, losing two of the sheets.
<DICE> Sicpuess hangs on to a rope for dear life. Considers. Cuts it, swinging towards the Jackalope, then scrabbles up its hull.
<PRAT>Zed Pace runs, slidding rather ungracefully on fruits. He spins as he runs into a dazed Failor. Stumble, fall, scramble to feet, lose a sheet. Run run run!
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac bites a Failor's ankle savagely, rams the top of his head into another's jaw, runs back for the sheet, and leaps for the Jackalope. “Back ta the ship!”
Burton is suddenly knocked to the ground, getting the wind knocked out of him in a “Hoooo.” He has two Failors on top of him suddenly and his lights are punched out.
<PRAT> Cantankerous Biggs moves into thieve mode and grabs anything that he can get his hands on. Some ancient coils of rope, old sacking, and, briefly, Justa's remaining arm.
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne is flung from Jacques' shoulder as he falls. Her cherries fly about her as she loses her grip on their stems. “Faaaaaack!” she shouts, before she lands against the side of someone's head. Poor Failor, that ass-print will never leave him.
<DICE> Sicpuess, Pirate of the Seven Puddles, is very new in his business. She sets to patrol the railing. Then grins broadly, and shoots along to slice through all the ropes.
<DICE> Justa yelps when her arm's grabbed. “Not a weapon, not a weapon!” she protests loudly.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac throws the sheets on top of Biggs. “Hold these, Biggs!” He whips out his Paper Cutlass and starts slashing lines. “Kick off the plank!” Unless someone's still on the boat. In which case they might want to hurry faster.
<PRAT>Contestant Thor Thafrij quickly ties the binnacle to a grapnel rope and prepares to cut free, to swing back to the ship
<PRAT> Cantankerous Biggs hears his captains cry and tries to make it back to the Jackalope. Luckily one of his eyepatches has fallen off so he is at least heading in the right direction when a Failor jumps him and brings him low. Even lower.
<PRAT>Zed Pace's boots clap across the boart, falling onto his face as soon as he hits the Jackalope deck. Sheets go flying.
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne runs to the Jackalope with a surprising speed, making a mad dash over the boarding planks. She clambers up to the bulwark, standing so all can see her. She bellows “EAT ET, FAILARS!”
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac notices some feckin; squirrel! On his ship! He takes his cannon from his Banana Hammock and starts raining Grape up at her.
Burton's motionless body is left by the Failors, his side kicked thoroughly before the Failors again join the fray.
<PRAT>Rather Small Bryan slides on one of his own tomatoes. “Damn it!” He flails his arms, desperately trying to regain balance, and drops all of his cloth! He scrambles to scoop it all up again, but he only manages to reclaim half the load before jumping to the deck.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac seems to be shooting up the rigging of his own ship. “Die, squirrel, die!”
<QQQ>Bloody Showoff Maniak, covered in sheets like a kid with a ghost costume from the cheapeast hallowen ever, has mistakenly boarded the wrong ship.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac screeches, “We left Biggs! And more importantly the cargo! I threw 'em on Biggs!”
<PRAT>Contestant Thor Thafrij rides the binnacle back to the Pirate ship, cuts it free at the last minute to skid across the decks in a shower of spinters, atop like a rodeo champ
<PRAT> Cantankerous Biggs manages to headbutt the failor in the bollocks, and grabbing some sails that seem to have been thrown at him, jumps for the Jackalope boarding plank, missing completely. SPLASH.
<DICE> Justa wails: as she goes down with Biggs. She somehow manages to get her arm back, only to find herself stranded in the middle of a Miranda Cameron-inspired warzone.
<DICE> Sicpuess is a furry bullet! She shoots even faster up! And scrabbles along a spire down a rope down to deck. “Set sail?”, she asks hopefully. “On fire?” even more hopefully. This last to the just-arrived Thafrij. Runs in circles around him.
<PRAT>Zed Pace pulls himself onto his feet and looks around. “We clear of the boat? Did we win?”
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac looks down at the water. “feck!” He tosses Biggs a rope. “Whoops! Should have tied one end on first!”
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne turns, cursing as Biggs falls “Shite! 'ee's gettin' th' cargae wet!”
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac runs by Pace. “We're off but gotta get Biggs bye” He grabs up a boathook and dashes back to the railing. he swoops it down and catches Biggs by the collar. Or maybe that's back hair.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black JacquesChirac screeches, “Hold on ta the feckin' cargo, Biggs, he half-blind bastich!”
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne clearly has her priorities in order. She shouts from her spot atop the Jackalope's bulwark “Feckin' 'arry ap! They're loadin' thar guns!”
<PRAT>Rather Small Bryan drops his cloth on the Jackalopes deck before rushing towards the railing to look at the fallen Biggs.
<PRAT>Contestant Thor Thafrij gathers more rope, ties himself, and leans far over waving his shitty stick, “ Can ye grab ahold there?”
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne points to the Failors dragging out an ancient cannon they've probably never had to use before. They fiddle with a lighter while someone else loads it.
<PRAT>Zed Pace jumps as the Captian runs past. He runs over to help. “Hook 'im! The two of us together can heft him.”
<PRAT> Cantankerous Biggs is hit on the head by a rope. “Which fooker frew thut ut me?” Then he is hooked somewhere unmentionable. His midget instincts kick in and he hangs on to anything at all valuable like a midget possessed.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac screams, “I got him by the hair or the willy or summat! Let's heave him on deck! But if he drops them sheets, drop him back in.”
<PRAT>Contestant Thor Thafrij sees the cannon, pulls out his last fruit, “If I can just kum down the barrel. . .”
<PRAT>Rather Small Bryan grips the rope and heaves as best he can, eager to help.
<DICE> Justa, released, finds herself crawling towards the nearest bit of shelter. She cowers, eye squinting for anything particularly blue and orb-shaped. She normally wouldn't result to theft, but desperate times, etc.
<DICE> Sicpuess shouts, loud as can be, “FIRE!”. Failors look up. “FIRE, DAMNIT!”, and they do. Try to. Blunder. The half-loaded powder blows the cannon into daylilies, the operators find themselves be-floralprint-skirted. Oh. Not fabric.
<PRAT> Cantankerous Biggs has visions of his life flash before his eyes. His first wallet. Mugging contestants in the jungle. Requisition.
<DICE> Sicpuess disappears on the spot.
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne flails wildly “Fer facks sake 'arry ap!”
<PRAT>Zed Pace grips the stick attatched to the hook and pulls with all his might. “So. . .heavy. . .Ffff. . .Pull!!”
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac pulls with Pace and Biggs is dumped onto the deck, gasping and flapping like a large smelly fish.
<QQQ>Bloody Showoff Maniak has slit eye holes in the sheet draped over him. He has vision now! Ooh, what a fancy boat he finds himself on.
<DICE> Justa finds none. She's practically seething with curses at this point. Right, okay, fine, maybe – maybe there'll be one of those little side-boat-thingummies? She scouts.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac looks around. Someone has shot up the rigging. Lots of ropes cut. Railing broken where someone smashed into it. Probably everyone present. “Let's away! Go! GO!”
<PRAT> Cantankerous Biggs is hauled up onto the deck of the Jackalope. He is still hanging onto the sails that he was thrown like grim death. It will take a while to pry his fingers open.
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne thrusts a fist into the air, calling “Pall ap th' boardar le's get th' feck out af 'ere!”
<PRAT>Zed Pace pulls in the board and calls out the any able crew. “Get us the bloody hell out of here!”
<PRAT>Rather Small Bryan plops onto his rear on the deck of the Jackalope. “We gotta go!” He points at the Failboat. More precisely, at her.
<DICE> Sicpuess is on a beskirted - - or bekilted, they instantly choose to call it, as they mill around the bouquety remains of the cannon. “Pretty, that.”, she states calmly. Is stared at. . . .
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac wonders if maybe more people are on the Jackalope now than there were when he got here. Oh well.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac roars, “Right, Jackalopes, let's give em one last broadside!” He unslings his Banana Hammock and points his arse at the FailBoat.
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne turns, panting and grinning to Jacques. She winks, turning around and exposing her rear to the FailBoat as they pull away. She cackles menacingly and shakes it, smacks it, and is all around rude with it.
<PRAT> Cantankerous Biggs is still shivering with the shock of having something vaguely resembling a bath!! This has been a traumatic experience for him.
<DICE> Justa peers overboard just in time to see the beginnings of a mass mooning. She drops back down with a squeak and scrubs furiously at her vision to make that go away.
<QQQ>Bloody Showoff Maniak regrets cutting eyeslits into his sheet now. A green stain spreads about a feet under the eyeslits.
<DICE> Sicpuess is flung overboardwards the second time in ten minutes, but. . . heavier than she should be? Again, she lands short of the railing, and this time holds her ground. Picks up a kumquat. Deadly precision has it stopper up The Miss MAAM QUEEN, FUCKERS filthy bum.
<PRAT>Zed Pace turns and gives the Failboat a good moon. He laughs uproarisously.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac shakes his rump at the FailBoat, growing distant as they pull away. “Tis a full moon tonight, ye Failor bastiches!”
<PRAT>Contestant Thor Thafrij drops his trous' but aims his nethers at the sails. Speed now, offensive arsegas later
<PRAT>Rather Small Bryan spins around and shakes his furry rear at the Failboat, giggling like an idiot.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac looks at Maniak. “I don't remember havin' a ghost on me crew.”
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne feels Sicpuess kum in her arse and squeaks!
<DICE> Sicpuess is throughoutly satisfied with that load.
<PRAT>Pirate Queen Carlynne cranes around to observe the damage. Not much. She flexes. pop Problem solved.
<PRAT>Zed Pace pulls his jeans up. As with all things with the pirates, the day ends with an ass. Perfect.
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac looks at Car's bum. “Say, that reminds me of our honeymoon, luv.”
<QQQ>Bloody Showoff Maniak boos and woos, slowly waving his arms for added effects. “Yarr, I be greenbeard, scourge of the fifty fruitstands.”
<PRAT>Bastard Pirate Black Jacques Chirac is impressed with the new guy. He's pretty dirty!
<PRAT>Contestant Thor Thafrij strains further, the sails billow magnificently
The Jackalope sails off into the distance, carrying with it stolen cargo, filthy Pirates, and raucous laughter. As fast as they appeared, the PRATs are gone.