Oi, y'ain't gonna start talkin' about me like that, are ya?

I…well…I mean…that “once upon a time” bit. It's good, yeah? But it ain't like I'm no fairy tale or nothin'. Don't go flittin' about. Err. Y'missed a spot there. Jus' sayin'…

And…well…y're gonna bugger it all up with all th'…y'know…editin' garbage. That stuff. I mean. You're tryin' t'be all dramatic 'bout me an' all. 'Preciate it, really…but…

Look…ah….s'pretty embarrassin' an' all…but…well…y'wanna cig? Y'look tense. I mean BLOCK TEXT. That looks tense, yeah? Could try a smoke. Probably settle your nerves….

Y'look it. Look. Uh. Y're tryin' t'talk 'bout me. That's…uh…that's good, yeah? S'a good thing t'talk 'bout me. But really. Y'know. M'jus' a handyman, y'know? Ain't like it's a big deal or nothin'…

Sure…uh…sure. Sorry t'bother. Didn't mean to, really. Uh…y'gonna finish that cig?

Denealus Tannen is a simple man born out of Brooklyn. At least he claims to be. To some, simple is an understatement. To him? A way of life. Being a little too literal-minded and a little too much in the bad part of town left him to learn to keep his head down, not ask too many questions, do what you need to do, and get out.

So, man like that, talent for tinkering, talent for laying low, being unassuming. Of course he'd be “hired” by the Network to put an end to this Improbability Drive nonsense, right?

Well, if you consider hiring to be a clonk and a bag over your head, sure. Somehow Den did.

Den has convinced himself, through his own convoluted logic, that the only way to stop the Improbability Drive is to “fix” it. After all, if the Drive can't be broken, the opposite way should yield some results, right? As such, Den tries to keep extensive notes on his encounters. Such as…

1. Do not stick one's hand in the Improbability Drive.
2. Do not stick one's hand in the Improbability Drive.
3. I lost a wrench in there somewhere, anyone find i–oh, there it is. It's a snake now.
4. The switches do something. They may do something different each time. But there's probably an improbability distribution of it somewhere…
5. Do not tell everyone everything I've figured out about the Improbability Drive.
6. Get more ingredients for biscuits.

There's more. Obviously. Some swear Den's smarter than he lets on and the blissfully not-all-there act is just that, all an act. Some swear he's an outright plonker. They're probably both right.