From //The Improbable Traveler's Guide to Improbable Travel, Season 1 Edition//:

====== Field Guide to Recognizing Contestants ======

===== That Annoying Epaphus =====

==== General Background ====

A minor [[newbie|contestant]] - the founder of Clan [[QQQ]] and not worth much attention otherwise.  He((Well, we think he is a 'he.'  It's hard to tell on the [[Internet]] sometimes, and [[Caveman Joe]] has not yet required contestants to provide proof of gender.  Or proof of maturity either, since that would remove about 97% of the Island's population.  Whew!)) had the dubious distinction of being the first [[contestant]] to hit Level 15 and complete a [[DriveKill]] in [[Season One]], a [[fact]] which he never lets anyone forget.  He was also briefly married to [[Count of Saint Germain]] at the beginning of [[Season One]]((Reportedly for the purpose of 'testing' the marriage function.)), though that [[love|marriage]] was quickly annulled and the two claim to be 'just friends.'((The [[rumor]] that Epaphus is currently shacked up with [[Foilwench]] is believed to be a lie, one started by Foilwench to disguise the fact that she lives alone with a whole lotta [[cat|cats]].  Not that we have anything against cats - we just don't like Foilwench because she refuses to reveal the location of the fabled [[90KV Stun Gun of Eternal Killing]] in the [[Jungle]] northwest of [[AceHigh]].  Epaphus has commented on this only to say that Foilwench can kiss whomever she wants at the Kissing Booth in [[Common Ground]].))

He was promoted to Moderator status during Season 1.  This has generally been considered to be a mistake ever since, but at the time [[the Watcher]] was looking for a plot twist, and no one expected this one.

==== Behaviors ====

Often encountered in [[NewHome]], [[Improbable Central]], [[Kittania]], and [[Cyber City 404]] - and of course on the [[Failboat]] - Epaphus typically exhibits three types of behaviors((Notice he spelled this without the 'u' that [[Caveman Joe]] likes so much.  This suggests that Epaphus comes from a place where Real English is spoken.))((Aaah, bollocks.)):

  * Answering [[newbies|newbies']] questions((As with the [[Wiki]] of Lies, the veracity of what he says may be open to some debate.  Epaphus can lie with the best of them - and often does.)) with varying levels of [[truth]], shameless [[lie|lies]], and sarcasm, sometimes even giving the newest newbies spontaneous gifts to help them get started in [[the game]].((This is usually seen as a tactic intended to lure the newbie into a false sense of security.))
  * Making random statements that are only sometimes connected to ongoing conversations or recent events.
  * Pouncing contestants in [[PvP]] matches and beating the stuffing out of them.((Bring yourself to his attention at your own risk.  He does not take part in the campaign against the [[Newbie Menace]] but he does love a little PvP action once in a while.))

==== Distinctive Markings ====

None known,((At least, none that he will admit.)) but he is usually armed.((And annoying - wow, can he be annoying.  There's nothing worse than a really annoying, heavily armed contestant.  Just writing this entry makes me want to go kick his ass in a PvP fight.  I'm going to head over to [[Kittania]] right now and wait for him to show up, and then I'm gonna poke him repeatedly in the tender spots his [[armor]] doesn't cover with my Grannie's Knitting Needles.))