Oh, jesus tap-dancing christ . . . if you //really// don't know what the [[Enquirer]] is, there's no hope for you.((Wait, this the Enquirer a tabloid or a newspaper?))((There's no hope for you.))

Nevertheless, it's high time we start giving out some [[lie|facts]] about it!

====== The Enquirer's Location ======
In your hand, silly!

====== The Enquirer's Headquarter's Location ======
The Enquirer's Headquarters is actually a large, rancid, urine soaked tent, cleverly in an undisclosed location. Sorry if that doesn't seem very glamorous, but you should've thought about that //before// you became an [[http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-jersey-17482664|English Major]], eh?
====== The Large Machine that Writes Most of the Enquirer, Unaccreditedly ======
What?! How did you learn about the Imprimater-- I mean... um... never mind. [[lie|Nothing to see here.]]

====== The Staff======
===== Gerald =====
An elderly editor who doesn't allow "naughty words" into his "precious paper" lest they "sully its dignity" and "tarnish its reputation".
Regardless, he seems to have little idea of how to do the important thing of catching typos.((in fact, he sometimes slips a few in, mistakenly))
He is responsible for the title of the page [[the_watcher_s_ahem|The Watcher's *Ahem*]], as well as its content, or lack there-of.
He also regularly edited [[ask_full_metal_loin|Ask Full Metal Loin]], though eyewitnesses claim he usually inebriated himself before doing so.

===== Mitchael =====
> //"Hello... Mitchal? Mitchel? Mitchaeel? How do you pronounce your name, boy?"//
> //"... 'Mitch', sir."//
-- Gerald and Mitcheal, during Mitcheal's job interview.

Mitchael is the yin to Gerald's yang. The up to his down. The anachronism to his finely-crafted novel set in 18th century France. Mitchael is the cliched, young, idealistic kid((Not literally)) on the Enquirer's staff. Well, he was. Eventually, he became, through Gerald's... Geraldness... a cynical bucket of resentment.((Not literally)) The two are a comedy duo((Psst! They literally are! But it's a secret!)), Michael is the decent-guy straight man Gerald bothers, and Gerald is the stupid one with the power. Despite this, Mitchael sticks with the paper out of some misguided ideals about "the value of information" and possibly "loyalty".

===== Snitch Tellworthy =====
A reporter! Suspected communist. Might be Mitchael's tortured soul manifesting as a person. Has written [[sydney_fletcher|one thing]] for us.

===== The Interns =====
A class of particularly expendable sub-human creatures, closely related to the "Undergraduates" of legend, but willing to work for much less money. In fact, they don't get paid at all! A few of [[liars|them]] are rumored to have names, but that's just ridiculous.

===== Lynda the Fact-Check Lady =====
The last line of defense between [[lie|lies]] and the Imprima-- erm... the printing press, and, eventually, [[you|the impressionable readership]]. Not known to hang around [[Ask Full Metal Loin]]. Or really, most pages. One day hopes to be an investigative journalist who rides around on a motorcycle.

===== The Enquisition =====
Rumours about a group of thugs that suppresses other, non-Enquirer sources of printed news are vehemently denied. In reality, the thugs just bake the rest of the staff pies. Tiny, tiny, pies.(([[Improbability Drive|Time pies?]]))((No.))

====== Shite that isn't News and yet is in the Newspaper ======
Besides the [[start|articles]], and the [[Sitemap|Table of Contents]] the Enquirer has
  * The surprisingly active [[http://enquirer.improbableisland.com/forum|letters to the editor section]]
  * The rarely-changed [[Classifieds]]((Rarely changed! Ha! Almost never changed! You cheapskates can't pony up a single req for journalistic livelihood. For //shame//.-EDITOR))((Dear readers, we apologize for that last line.  Seems Mister Gerald's been in the sauce again.  He doesn't mean it. -Morris the Intern))((I ruddy well do, you insolent pup! For that, you're //fired//! -EDITOR))((Sir, I was never hired in the first place.  Oh, this should go on his desk, not here, shouldn't it? -Morris the Intern))((Ed. Note: Now that the bulletin boards have been erected in the [[Outposts]], the Classifieds will probably see even less traffic.))
  * The extremely rare [[http://enquirer.improbableisland.com/index.php?topic=island_updates|editorial]]
  * The... community art spotlight gallery? Eh, whatever. It's The [[http://enquirer.improbableisland.com/mediagallery|Gallery of Shame]]
  * Two columns. They are [[Ask Full Metal Loin]] and [[nocturnal_submissions|Nocturnal Submissions, aka Harpo's Book Club and Sundry]]. The first is partially discontinued, due to most of the letters sent in to it being needed to patch a leak in the roof. The second requires such a pile of literature that it has already collapsed once, killing one intern and maiming two more. Please write to your favourite columns responsibly. We have only one editor, after all.((And he's a lazy drunk.))((Am not! The reviews are 96% curse words and archaic slurs, making them very hard to make appropriate! Intern! Erase this libel! -EDITOR))((Ed. Note: It's all good now, I've murdered R. Harpo.))((Editor's Note: The previous Editor's Note was untrue! Besides, I don't sign my notes like that at all! Please, officer, you have to believe me!))((Well this is just getting silly. -EDITOR))